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Photo by Normal Bob

Listen everyone. The number one rule in cleanliness is: "Wipe thoroughly!"

Fuck, my own personal belief is that one should shower after every bowel movement! Otherwise you're gonna be itchin' and diggin' at your ass for the rest of the day, and you don't want that. Hell, somebody might take a picture of ya!


Photo by Normal Bob

Okay, now what did I just say? If you skip the soapy scrub you'll be itchin' in the mud.

I don't know what's worse: Walkin around with your hand down the crack of your ass, or grinding on a hand railing.

Oh nevermind. The votes are in, and clearly the guys elect the railing-hump. Yeah, they're all looking at something really interesting just to the right of her. Right.


Photo by Normal Bob
C'mon, what's with the shirt dude? This isn't the freakin' auto show! And XYZ, Cowboy! Christ, have you totally given up on ever having intercourse again?

Photo by Normal Bob

Now there's a mullet worth staring at! Even those people to his right seem inconvenienced by it.

You know what I hope for? I hope one day in the near future Timberlands & mullets will be thought of as a package deal, like Fauxhawks & flip-flops or Chelseas & Docs.


Photo by Normal Bob

It's always so calming to see a group of meditating yogis showing us that even in the big city harmony can be... Wait a second? Who the fuck does that kid think he is? Fucking Kung Fu?

Listen Pubes, no one is impressed that you know how the arms are supposed to go while you listen to your gay ass "Ocean Sounds" on your iPod.

Jesus Christ, I want to put those New Balence sneakers on my hands and clap his ears with 'em.


Photo by Normal Bob

So I'm just sitting there on the step when this lady leaps in front of me with her swamp ass and starts waving her hands up in the air and screaming for her friends who she sees off in the distance.

Her friends must be blind and deaf because she yelled and waved for a good 46 seconds before they spotted the lavender and reluctantly made their way to her.


Photo by Normal Bob

Then they all changed into these outfits, formed a pyramid and handed me their camera so that I could take a picture. I said I would as long as I could take one with mine too.

They told me it was a bachlorette party or something, then I started thinking about how these girls believe in the concept of marriage, then how appropriate it all seemed.



Photo by Normal Bob

So yeah, I guess I hate loving couples at the moment. They walk around showing public displays of affection, gawking at the lonely people and rubbing everyone's face in it just because they can! "Your life sucks and ours is beautiful, and you'll never be happy because you're not as pretty as us!!!"

Okay. "Huff huff!" I'm done.
Sorry about that. "Pant"


Photo by Venessa Nina

Shhh, listen. What's that I hear behind the cellar door? Why, it's the Jagermeister elves and their coming up from the basement of the bar to take you to Drunken Dreamland!

Oh sweet Drunken Dreamland, where lonely nights are wiped clean from memory and there's no one to wake up next to who's gonna bitch at you for ruining her one night out with her friends.

Goodnight Jagermeister elves. I love you too.

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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
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