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Photo by Normal Bob
I'm so fed up with having to deal with these haughty Manhattan model types with their photographers right in the way of pedestrian traffic like they're the most important, beautiful people in the city! Take it to Vogue Studios you pretentious uptown waifs! This is Union Square, and we don't need your kind here!

Photo by Normal Bob
Yay! It's Old Man Condom and his goofy condom top hat handing out condoms to all the lucky children of the world!

I just love it when he comes to town because it means the next time I'm about to get laid I stop and think of the old man who prepared me for this moment, and in doing so ruined it by popping up in my brain.

Photo by Normal Bob
Oh c'mon! Don't tell me you don't see it too! It's so obvious he's just using her to get to the sister! It's so fucking blatant!

He's probably been workin' his way down since the mother! What a fuckin' scumbag, pushin' it down the tree like that! But such is the nature of rock-n-roll, mother fucker! Rock-n-fuckin'-roll.

Photo by Venessa Nina
Toby here tried like a bitch to pick up this tennis ball with his front paws again and again and again, failing every time. That's right. He would trap the ball in his paws and struggle with it, trying to lift it up. From our perspective it looks like he doesn't succeed, but he actually is succeeding, pushing beyond what a dog's "supposed" to be doing and attempting to take it to the next level. Now tell me life doesn't naturally try to evolve!

You go ask some religious wacko about it and he'll look at you with a crazy eye and respond, "So you're sayin' that one day a monkey laid an egg and a person came out?!?" Like you're so stupid that you'll be like, "Gee wiz, I never thought of it that way before. I guess Jesus did die for my sins after all!"

Photo by Normal Bob
Christ, I know I'm probably about to lose about half of my male audience when I say this, but fuck it. I can't keep it in any longer.

I think that one of the stupidest things in the world is when guys have their nipples in the center of there pecs like that. I mean, what were they thinkin'? "Uh duh, just put 'em in the center where they belong! Jus' lemme get out of here so I can start walkin' around with my shirt off! Uh duuuh!"

Next time either keep your shirt on or don't wear the nipples that way. It's sooo gross!


Photo by Venessa Nina
Oh he knows what's happening while he's shoppin' for lube, all cyborg like with the Nike and the Puma and the camo and the headset! He knows full well his bag is hiking up those shorts ever so slightly, just enough to give us that pimple on the back of his thigh like a little winking eye. A wink that says, "Ha! Caught ya lookin! Now let's party!"

Photo by Normal Bob

This is what skater chicks are supposed to be. Part eye-popping and part tomboy. A little pretty, and a little punk. Sweet and stinky. She'll flirt while she picks at scabs. Nothin' wrong with that.


Photo by Normal Bob
Jesus Christ man, since when did spandex become your every-day-wear? It's this kind of shit that's going to ruin it for everyone! Oh god, and those legs! *Barf!* Somebody save me from this bloated nightmare! Who do I have to pray to wash my eyes of this?!

Photo by Venessa Nina
See now this is what I'm talkin about. Spandex the way it's meant to be worn. Oh lordy, make my fuckin' day with that cat walk. That ain't no tiger either. That's a mutha fuckin sex kitten sent to earth to cleanse us of all of our past spandex sins. A messiah of spandex, if you will. Mrrrrrreoowww!

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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
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