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secretagents
Photo by Normal Bob

Listen, if you're new to NYC because it's your first semester at NYU and you're just starting to pretend to be an adult and you think you just thought up something really funny that involves you and your buddy dressing up in a suits and make-believing you're secret service agents at the park, standin' there for like 20 minutes expecting an impressed audience to gather 'round with cute girls thinkin' you're hot and funny but what actually happens is no one gives two shits about you or your lame idea except for some fucker with a camera who's gonna post you on his website to make fun of your lame-ass, do this one thing beforehand: Jump off the roof of your school onto a parked car.

loveyourfans
Photo by Greg Matherly

Hey! I've felt the exact same way about things a lot less valuable, so you just think twice before you start giggling!




Photo by Normal Bob

Wow. Seriously – Wow.
I've seen some bad ideas in my time, some of them even an attempt to purposely look like the opposite of what everyone's supposed to be doing, but this one takes the cake!

She even had the frickin' slouch down to a science! Lerching out of the park like she was on the losing end of a dare. uglydress2

I dunno, maybe I'm wrong! See that's where I fuck myself. I witness something like this and then I recognize that she's a human being just like me, and after that I look at what I'm wearin' and no one's chasing me around with a hard-on, and I'm scrambling around after her like she's Paris Hilton and, Jesus Christ! Tell me it's her and not me!!!!

crackhead
Movie by Normal Bob
CAUTION

I first spotted this scary crackhead at the beginning of the summer ripping his shirt off in front of strangers and doing the crab demanding them to tell him where they've seen muscles like his before.


Today Crackhead thinks he's doing his "funniest guy in town" improve act yelling about god knows what, and finishing by charging a girl leaning against the railing. He was expecting a huge hug. Instead, she ducked & fled the park.


As Skater Bob would say: "Bobo, it looks like somebody's found a home at Union Skwayrrrrrr!"

beatboxer
Movie by Normal Bob

You think you can do any better? Go for it! Bring your tape deck to the park and show us what you got!


Uh, but don't bother gettin' all dressed up in anything special. An old pair of sweatpants and a stinky shirt with the sleeves torn off will do. I mean, you don't wanna look like you're tryin' too hard.

clowns
Movie by Normal Bob

In case you're not fully grasping the tremendous amount of clowns there are at Union Square, here's the lot of them exiting the park all at once at the end of the day.


There's Graver clown and Cyclops clown and Broke Clown, and Junkie Clown and Anti-Bush-Demonstrator Clown and 6 Foot, 7 Inch Jew Clown and Peepers Clown chasing the 40 Year Old Teenage Girl Clown and Dog Molester Clown and so on and so on, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, on and on, forever and ever into the lost, dark crevices of Manhattan Island.

skaterdouche
Movie by Normal Bob

I gave this little jerk one of my Authentic Skater flyers and the skitzoid went BALISTIC on my ass! No joke! He totally flipped out and charged me with his skateboard and then he told me to get a job! He told ME to get a JOB! I was like, "What the!?! I'm the grownup! And you're the little kid! I tell you what to do! Not the other way around!"


Well apparently he wasn't havin' any of that.

raveisdead
Movie by Normal Bob

When a trend finally dies, it dies not with a thud, but instead with a choking, last, gasp. Thus is the case with Rave.


But don't feel bad. The same thing happened to the hippies, and now you see 'em making a comeback with the homeless. Mark my words, Rave will return, and it'll be middle-aged drug addicts in UFO's diggin' through trashcans who'll bring it back ...with a vengeance!

junkiespoon
Photo by Normal Bob

If you were wonderin' if junkies ever cooked and shot their junk in the restroom stalls at Wholefoods across from Union Square, I got your answer right here.


And if you ever see one of these little porta-kitchens layin' around in some public toilet or back alley dumpster the most important rule to remember is DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT!!! Christ, you might be able contract AIDS just from lookin' at a picture of it! If so, sorry.

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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
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