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The Dog Molester

The first time I ever saw the Union Square Dog Molester it was the summer of '06, and I didn't refer to him as the "Dog Molester" at all. He was just "The guy who helps single moms push their baby carriages," and that was the extent of it.

He was the most laid back guy in a wig you'd ever seen, casually strollin' around the park sparking up conversations with ladies pushin' carriages, and taking over the driver's seat. I'd seen him walk lady's all the way out of the park, charming them with his people skills, not letting them get a word in edgewise however they tried.


It wasn't until later that year when I first witnessed the Dog Molester's true self. He used the same method he had for pushing lady's baby carriages.

He walked along next to ladies with their dogs, and without even asking he'd scoop it up off the ground and carry it right along side 'em without missing a step! And he always spooned the pooch's backside in what became a signature maneuver. That's when he really got my attention.

Not long after the first sighting of this did I witness with my own eyes the Dog Molester actually diddling a dog. He played it so casual, as was his way, sitting down with the owner chattin' up a storm until she'd let her guard down and look away. It was then that the innocent puppy petting advanced over the back, around the rump, and all the way down under to the dog balls.

But he was a slick mother fucker! Every time the owner would look back he'd resume normal petting procedure. And his ability to dodge their glances also made capturing hard evidence on film virtually impossible.

Following that, most of the photos I got were taken after the assault had already taken place and I was only left with a photo of a scarred Yorkie huddling at its owner's feet. And who gives a shit about a picture of that?


I was once coming off the train at Delancy/Essex and on that platform I was accosted by the most mind piercing whistling you could imagine! It was the happiest tune you'd ever heard being whistled by lungs that seemed bionic! The shear pitch of it was enough to shatter any daydream you might've had going and leave you focused only on escape.

I quickly b-lined to the exit and started the haul up that long staircase. The whistling seemed right on my heels, but I refused to look over my shoulder and give the perp any satisfaction he might get from being heard. As I darted up those stairs I actually took a running pace trying to get away, and once on the street I strode like a madman to the corner.

I pushed forward but that sing-song whistle screamed at the back of my head all the way to the corner! Completely & utterly bedazzled by what was happening I finally looked back over my left shoulder, and there he was: The Dog Molester in those goofy oversized clothes of his whistling away like the sun shined out his ass!

The other distinctive warning sign of the Dog Molester's approach is the way in which he wordlessly asks for cigarettes. Fingers to lips, the Dog Molester makes the most ear piercing kissy noises as well! You can hear the Dog Molester requesting cigarettes from 50 feet away! The video above is a good example of the technique but not the typical volume. That's me mimicking exactly what I've just described.

Weeks, months, even years would pass of me writing about the guy we called "the Dog Molester" without any hard proof to back the title.

And boy did I have doubters! I'd receive emails callin' "bullshit" on my ass, accusing me of contriving his whole persona because I was runnin' out of material, or trying to top myself, or just makin' shit up for the sake of makin' shit up.

The Dog Molester would sit next to me and my friends and I'd go into stories about the things I'd witnessed, and in return I'd get patronizing stares of disbelief, like I'll say anything to make people think I'm still funny.

Then it happened. Less than a month ago (June '09) I saw the Dog Molester livelier than usual talkin' up another dog owner. I said to my friend Skater Bob "Dog Molester's chattin' it up with a dog owner down there!" And Bob took my camera, skated towards the action and captured the footage you see above.

When Skater Bob handed me back my camera I saw what would be my gargantuan "I TOLD YOU SO" moment, and exactly what I'd been looking for to complete this indepth expos'e on the Dog Molester of Union Square.

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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.

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