City inspectors have recently traced a strain of Upper East Side bedbug larva to a rampant Lower East Side infestation that's been plaguing residents there for years. Only recently has this particular breed made its way so far north at such an alarming speed and quantity. And who are the carriers of these troublesome critters? Experts point the finger squarely at the Free Hugs movement of Union Square South.
"Who hasn't stopped to give a free hug to one of the innocent darlings at the park?" one park resident exclaimed. Unfortunately the answer to that question is "very few." And considering the ease in which these blood feeding pests transfer from one body to the next, the epidemic only looks to worsen.
File footage of high ranking Free Hugs Club Member
and Hug-Predator "Huggies"
"Opening yourself up to casual contact with park vagrants, such as friendly arm around the shoulder, group hugs and especially intimate touching is the leading culprit in the advancement of this infestation." Sueriele Abjabar, Chief of Headquarters for Body Lice and Bed Bug Operations of the Greater New York area
Chief Abjabar went on to say, "Hug-Prediters like the Union Square Dog Molester, and high ranking Free Hugs Club Member, 'Huggies' are just a couple examples of the numeroussuspected carriers of the bedbug spores & active larvae which young teens and 20-somethings have been unwittingly transporting from the Union Square/Astor Pl Cube locations to their Upper East Side homes."
"If you're partaking in the Free Hugs movement you're probably already carrying bedbug larva in the creases of your skin around your face & torso, and in the lining & folds of your clothes. And transference can happen in the blink of an eye - literally leaping from eyelid to eyelid!"
Volunteers have been stationed in established red zones to circulate flyers & educate the public. Their presence has not been welcomed by the Free Hugs gangs, and in several cases met with complete disregard and even hostile reactions.
"This isn't a problem that's just going to go away. Bedbug populations in the United States have increased by 500 percent in the past few years, and it's estimated the Free Hugs movement alone will probably double that number by the end of the decade.
Inspectors encourage anyone who's hugged a Union Square FREE HUGS member to seek proper delousing at the nearest treatment center facility immediately.