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Fundies



Yesterday, Sunday the 16th the Christians returned to Union Square and set up shop. It was the same Canadian youth leader as last time (with Canadian Jason) but a whole new crop of high schoolers.


 

This time the majority of them were Oklahoman Christians mixed in with the Canadian Christians. It's a very potent mix.

And this time they had a booth! And they had dancers and performers, free bibles, missionaries and everything! It didn't take long for them to get noticed and immediately kids from Union started handing out my GOD-IS-FAKEs & Jesus Dress Up flyers to everyone involved.

And of course it didn't take long after that for them to find the source of the blasphemous propaganda and head straight towards me with their merciful mission in hand.


I finally feel that I'm to the point where I'm prepared for all the questions, arguments, tactics and inquiries. I can thank years of hate mail for getting me prepared. They came at me with statements like:

* But if there's no God then where does right and wrong come from?

* What about people who don't get caught for their crimes? Where is their justice?

* What's our purpose then?

* But people will fail you!


You'd think that the Canadian youth pastor from last time would have coached these youngsters better for this second time around, but they didn't have a clue.

Somehow thinking that because life wouldn't be fair without God proves to them His existence. Those are of course very naive reasons to believe, but that's the reasoning you're dealing with at this age.


Speaking of naivety, there was this redhead who did the most outrageous sing-along performance piece you could have ever imagined! She did a lip-sync to gospel music that was being played on a loud speaker. She was flailing around, dancing and waving here arms over her head with the craziest grin on her face.

She was so ecstatic about the awesomeness of her God she couldn't even contain herself. While I spoke with the highschoolers gathered around me I pointed to her and said, "Do you think she looks sane?" And as hard as they tried the delirious kids couldn't give me a reply. They were clearly without explanation, for both her and their association with her. It was a treat to behold.

Her dance went on for a while and I wouldn't let the kids I was with off the hook. I kept saying, "Look at her. You've gotta see how crazy you guys look when you bring something like that to New York City." And "Tell me she doesn't look like she's straight out of a mental ward."

But there's no real victory in stumping these Oklahomans. I relish only in the knowledge that they've been thoroughly confused and maybe they're going home with something more to think about. It was a little disappointing to see them so completely stumped by some of my most basic retorts, like:

* Do you think dinosaurs existed? How did they fit in with Adam & Eve?

* Do you think there were really giants, like David & Goliath? Then why haven't we ever dug up a giant's skeleton?


The Student, Canadian Youth Pastor & Me

The kids were dumbfounded. They didn't have a clue. It was a horrible reminder how weak the human brain can be at times.

There was a time even when I was surrounded by at least 10 of these students, who were all very inquisative, listening and asking questions, trying to soak in all of these new ideas that have never even crossed their minds before. It seemed that they couldn't get enough of me.

Finally, after several hours (you can see the duration of time by the amount of sunlight in the pictures) it was time for me and Skater Bob to leave. I left leaving them with the statement: "There's nothing you can say that wouldn't also defend any other religious cult out there." And we walked away leaving their longing puppy-eyed faces to vanish in the Union Square night fall..




The Floridian Pantomime Christian Brigade Performers at Union Square North... LIVE!
Photos by Normal Bob Smith

A believer tries not to be lured away from her Bible by her peers who pressure her into a world of sin, while a Yankees fan watches intently.


So my friend Sarah and I are strolling through Union Square when, wouldn't you know it, we happen across a group from Florida putting on a show for the people of New York City.

So my friend Sarah and I are strolling through Union Square when, wouldn't you know it, we happen across a group from Florida putting on a show for the people of New York City.

Sarah and I immediately planted our asses on a bench to soak in this wonderfully overacted performance.

In this scene the Christian weeps while those around her dramatically bow their heads for effect, and that one kid in the background who's in charge of the boombox scopes out some sweet ass in the audience.

Don't let anybody ever tell you that Religious Floridians don't know how to perform interpretive dance reenactments of popular Bible stories, because I seen it and they sure as fuck do!


And parents, don't worry. I've been assured that those who are Christians and trying to deliver their message of Good News through interpretive dance are not part of a cult! In fact, it's very very different than a cult. Like polar opposites!

This picture here doesn't help my argument much but I promise you that the toe-heads worshipping this God are totally different than those people who worship other gods.


 


Sure there were neigh-sayers in the crowd who giggled and snickered at the southern teens and their message of hope, but that's okay because they'll pay forever in hell. Sorry. Not.

Here a Christian is lured into the world of pot smoking. The girl on the left takes a drag from her "joint" while the others laugh gaily. Tell me these aren't the exact same kids from Hell House.


But easily, the most dramatic part of the show was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Their youth leader got to play both Jesus and Satan (the difference was Satan wears shades and a baseball cap turned backwards). And see the cross? That's an actor! No kidding.

Here Satan makes people fight each other, and commands a great many other sins from the sidelines of life.

All of the popular sins embraced the victim and engulfed him into a world of filth. I was pleased to see that one of the cuter girls got to play the role of Pornography. Good call.



You can download a video of the sins of man pushing their victim to his breaking point here.


Then after the victim wore all the sins around his neck Satan stepped in to belittle him relentlessly, using aggressive hand gestures.

Then the victim of sin prayed to Jesus and gave all of his sin up to him and Satan was stricken down, conquered by the mighty hand of Christ, who was then crucified.

I get so excited when I see these religious youth brigades in the city! I feel my heart grow brighter and my energy level rise! I want it to go on forever. I picture them all in their huge, comfort-fit clothes fighting over who gets to be Jesus and Satan and even The Cross! It all takes me back to when I got spoon-fed all of those stories, only I was never foolish (or popular) enough to partake in the theatrical numbers.


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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
NORMAL BOB SMITH DESIGN NEW YORK


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