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Signs the Bum
(Shaggy's Dad)


I remember, back in around 2006 or 07 seeing Signs for the first time, sitting Indian Style against the wall out front of Duane Reade just around the corner from Union Square Park. And I clearly remember thinking "Jesus. He looks like he really sucks, and it's just a matter of time until he discovers Union Square. Fuck."
It was just a matter of time before he was a part of my life for me to deal with on a daily basis.

It was the Spring of 2008, that this fear came into light. One of the first things I remember telling Shaggy was "let's keep that guy at as much distance as we possibly can, because I think knowing him will suck."

 

And Shaggy & I did a pretty good job at that, for about 2 weeks. Signs has a way of poking and prodding you until you either have to acknowledge his existence or never come to Union again.

You see, Signs sees himself as the park's security. Signs also hates other bums. In fact, Signs is pretty much an ornery 13 year old kid at heart and mind. If the rest of the kids won't play by his rules then there's not going to be any toys for anyone! As far as he's concerned.

Over time, Shaggy and I discovered that one of the best things for Signs when he's been acting up day after day, week after week, is getting beat up. Ideally, every Spring, the beginning of each year, Signs would get beat. Because after Signs gets beat his aggressiveness for the following months is brought back down to a human level. Shaggy and I discovered this after Signs got body-slammed by The Heart Stopper. A silly little tiff that started while Signs was counting his change on the steps of Union, and The Heart Stopper asked him for a quarter. Signs refused, and kept refusing. See video below.



 

After this incident, Signs chilled the fuck out! Don't get me wrong. He still acts like he won that match, and every time I see him he asks how many hits it's got on YouTube. But there's no more whacking us in the back of the head with his signs. No more throwing everybody out of the park. No more just being a complete asshole to his own son!

People ask me all the time, "Is Signs really Shaggy's dad?!?!?" And my reply is always, "Yes."
Signs is really Shaggy's dad. No joke. Definitely. Make a Wikipedia page about it because that's how real it is.

However, I have to give him credit where credit is due. Signs knows how to handle the Jesus Freaks. Signs knows how to handle the b&t. Signs knows how to handle crackheads and drunks and bums. Signs knows how to handle most of the annoying visitors of the park. Which can make him a handy ally where there's anybody around to need to sick him on.

2011 was a stellar year however. Because 2011 is when after an entire Summer of throwing people out of the park, and all of it going straight to his head, he got beat by a girl.




Now, whenever he starts getting out of hand, he's easily made docile again by reminding him how many hits THAT video's gotten.



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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
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