Dear Almightly Ruler of Heaven and Earth,

I bow to You daily and worship You at all times, but I'me sure You know that. Anyway, I have recently though of a question that only the Super Good #1 Big Man would be able to answer. Why is the Church so deathly against masturbation? I mean, it seems like something that is perfectly harmless and almost everybody does it, so why would the Church feel so stongly against it? I am a constant masturbator and I feel as though I am living a life of sin. Please forgive me. Do You really consider masturbation a sin? And if so, why?

Amen.


Patrick,
 

Masturbation. The ol' Puppy Pound. The Me, Myself & I 3-way. If there's one thing that'll be the downfall of mankind, it's that big, lonely "M"... and I've gotta watch.

Omnipresence really blows when it means being front row center for Grandpa Slappy's bathroom tile joyride. Sure you get your occasional looker, but it's mostly butt-faces that're home alone on a Friday night flirtin' with their crotch. And I've got to log it into My Sin Book in lengthy detail and replay it on Judgment Day. It's totally awkward and a real drag.

Maybe I wouldn't be so against it if you were fantasizing about Me. I could write it off as some sort of worship or something. But you're all a bunch of pervs! You wouldn't believe the stuff you folks jerk-off to. There's no rhyme or reason. No consideration for what's Holy. If a lie makes Baby Jesus cry, masturbation is the equivalent of rubbing your groin on Him.

I don't care that you're not hurting anyone down there, you're makin' us sick to our stomachs. So knock it off!

 
Love, God

 

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