Dear Almighty God,

While growing up, I was told by many of your minions that animals do not have souls. Of course they were referring to animals other than the human animal. Is this true? If so, why? Or, is this just something they tell children to explain the whole meat eating thing in today's society?

Thank you, and Amen.
Mary (not that Mary, the other one)

Mary Whipple

Would it make you happier if I let all of the cute-n-cuddly animals into Heaven Mary? All the little baby Orcas and bumblebees and the huggable, roly-poly panda bears too? Or how about this, I go and give all of the animals souls, then if they don't pray to Me, and believe in the bible, I damn all of their furry little souls to Hell?!

Sorry Mar, animals ain't got no souls. They never had and they never will. You're lucky I granted your primitive species a soul. It was like pullin' teeth getting you all to evolve from the goddamned ape! I gave you a break when you all started hurlin' stones at each other and skipped you up a couple notches to a soul worthy level (the ever so puzzling "Missing Link" you can't figure out).

But for you Mary, I'm gonna make sure to let a couple of mosquitoes slip through just so you'll be happy when you get here. How's that?

Love, God


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