Hey God,

I recently emailed that sinner Normal Bob Smith to ask him a few questions, but seeing as how he's just a human being and well, you're God and all, and I was curious if you would take time out of your busy schedule to give me your take on these. I know you spend a lot of time watching sparrows fall and counting all the hairs on our heads, and I hope you have time to get to me. So, if I've groveled properly, here are my questions....

Why are us humans only allowed to be so happy for so long before it's necessary for something to come along and kick us in the shins and remind us that life isn't about being happy, we have to be made to suffer? And if we refuse to play along, does that mean that the fall will be that much worse?

Is there some rule that NO ONE can ever say they love you without some sort of expectation or apology attached to it? For instance, you love us, but we have to worship you. So does that mean we have to attach some sort of expectation when we love each other here on earth? Can't we just love each other for who we are and the contributions we make to our world?

And the one that I really want to know... Why did you create fate? You know, the idea that there's one person out there for you, just waiting to be found, and if you pass them up, well then you're settling for less? I know you're God and all, but isn't that just like believing in fairy godmothers and princes on white horses? Someone believed in those at some point in time, so what makes you more real than them?

I also had a question for you that I couldn't ask Bob, but I'm hoping you can explain this to my small human mind. Can you explain this Trinity thing to me? I live in Indiana so I can understand how you theoretically can be both the Father and the Son, but I don't get that whole Holy Ghost thing. How can you be two beings and an entity all at the same time? And did you create Halloween so the Holy Ghost wouldn't feel left out since Christ has both Christmas AND Easter? Or did you do it just as a favor to us humans because we like chocolate so much?

As you can see, I have a lot of questions for you that I've been pondering for some time. I hope you can spend a few moments of your eternity to answer them, seeing as how you have a lot more time available to you to work out the answers.

Just wondering,

Lori Atkinson,

Oh Christ. Every minute with you people is, "I'm not happy enough!" Have any of you ever given one moment's thought to MY happiness?! Maybe the Guy who invented LIFE should be given a little consideration! It ain't too happy of a deal being the one and only God of everything. I've got no peers, no one to challenge Me, and existing for all of eternity is NO picnic.

Just once I'd like to hear one of you say, "Gee, I wonder how God is doing?" or "Hmm, I wonder how the Guy who gave me an asshole to shit through is feelin' today?"

But it seems that the "happiness card" is the only way to get through to you people.

So Lori, let me get this straight. You're sittin' there thinkin' that everybody's got their own special someone out there that'll provide the "eternal love" scenario, and it is "fate" that's supposed to somehow bring these two people together?
Ok, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

First the bad news: What are you CRAZY?!? Have you seen the world of fuck ups that are out there? Yeah, Ted Kazinski's got a perfect love-match out there yearning for his gentle touch. Puh-leeeze!

OK, so now for the good news! You are ALL fucked up. Each and everyone of you. From the guy sittin' next to you on the bus, to your first grade spelling teacher, to the old lady who waves at traffic from her front porch. And I'm not talkin' about cute little fucked up things like not flossing enough, cowlicks or wearing too much cologne. I'm talkin' major fucked in the head stuff like heartless thoughts of violent revenge, perverted sex fantasies, criminal acts, even apologizing for loving too much... ack! Delusional dark secrets that could destroy a social life. And I mean EVERYONE (except maybe children... but they grow up!). And it is this common thread that brings you all together for what you define as "happiness". It is your disturbed, fucked up heads that make you so goddamned dependent on each other. Dependent on other fuck ups. This is the reason why you need Me, My Son and the Holy Fucking Ghost. We are the only perfect match for everyone. Everyone else will fail you.
And that concludes the Good News segment.


Love, God


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