Dear Almighty God

As a New Yorker who watched the World Trade Center collapse at the end of his street, I have become a bit jittery regarding the prospects of another terrorist attack. Your faithful and wise servant Jerry Falwell has said that the reason this attack occurred was because you had lowered your Shield of Protection around America - this as a result of the presence of gays and feminists here. What I'm wondering is how exactly we can get this God Shield up and running as quickly as possible. Can we sacrifice a token gay and feminist as demonstration of our good will or do we need to round them all up? Also, if I insult a feminist I know, could I get a temporary God Shield around my apartment building or maybe just my bed?

Thanks Almighty God for your prompt attention
Jittery Mike


You people just wouldn't listen! I warned you. Jerry warned you. I infected you with AIDS, and I doubled the number of violent hate crimes, but you just ignored Me. Me?!? GOD!

Honestly, I just had enough. The anal sex, women working outside of the home, Don't Ask Don't Tell, the Baby Jesus Dildo. You left me no choice.

The funny part of all this was that I only had the damn shield down for like 30 seconds... and then WHAMMO! Oh man, I was thinkin' it'd be at least a couple of months before somethin' got in, and all I pictured was maybe a really bad flu season or somethin'.

Then the second plane hit and I was totally scrambling for the switchboard! I got the shield back up but boy was I blushing. Jesus said that the look on My face was priceless! I was so embarrassed. But that's how it goes. You get what you deserve.

Mike, sacrificing them won't do a bit of good. Only virgin sacrifices are good to me. What you folks need to do is ship all the gays and feminists to one of my unshielded locations. I suggest Canada.


Love, God


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