Normal Bob Seal God Ate My Balls
Part 1, Sept 4th, '00

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God Ate My Balls

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Christians (God loves them best)

The Daryl Hannah Argument

Did you know that animals have no souls? It's true.
When a puppy falls into a wood chipper, your chances of ever seeing him again are sprayed out the other side. Sure, animals may be nice and all but there just isn't enough room in heaven for every sewer rat that chokes on a toenail clipping.

So why are you any different? At which stage of evolution did your soul appear? Some say that it was during the Cro-Magnon period (Portrayed by Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bear).

It could be argued that there is no such thing as a soul and that ghosts (and God) are as imaginary as mermaids. Daryl Hannah also portrayed a mermaid in the movie Splash (half human, half animal) which would raise many questions about her soul. The Bible states that Mermaids only go to heaven from the torso up. Good thing she'll have wings.

Daryl Hannah portrayed a replicant (androids that are almost indistinguishable from humans) in the movie Blade Runner, and according to scripture androids do not have souls god dammit!
That's what it says!

It has also been argued that Neanderthals developed a soul during the Stone age.
I believe that we will remain soulless until our evolution back into apes.

Why He doesn't care and You shouldn't either.

Do you think that there's someone floating high up in the sky looking over you? Explain to me how that all started. Explain to me how that makes any sense. It's a really neat and appealing idea that paradise exists beyond this life, but it just doesn't make sense to someone like me who thinks logically.

Really, the only evidence that there is is this book that you may have heard of called "The Bible". It has stories of people who lived to be 900 years old and a guy who fit every species of animal on a big, giant boat. There's also a guy in this book who raises the dead, heals the sick and can make the blind see again.... His name is the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior. I think that he could shoot lasers from his eyes and turn himself into anything made up of water using his special magic ring too. He was very special indeed. Some might think that people just made up these tall tales, wrote them in a book and called it fact... PEOPLE DO THAT YOU KNOW!

Did Neanderthals develope a soul during the Stone age?
I used to believe in Christ. I used to think that he protected me and that he promised if I believed I'd spend the after life in the clouds with all my friends and family that went before me..... at least the ones who also believed. All the others would be burning in Hell drowning in a sea of fire screaming their regrets to a merciless god.
That "God" can be such a self centered, pecker sometimes! But what about my best friend from high school who was Mormon and got killed in a car crash?

He'd be scorched to cinders, his cries of pain echoing through the depths of Satan's lair. Sorry Jason.
And what about the mother's son who got molested by a priest, and found himself dead to a drug overdose by the age of 19. He never believed.... Sorry mom, he's damned for the rest of eternity strung up-side-down disemboweled with his head in a bucket of snakes. Shoulda been a Christian smart guy! That's what I was taught to believe and believe it or not this is taught to many people all the time. I'm not kidding!

So, in spite of how much you want me to buy your fairy tales written in your book, I need proof for all that I'm supposed to revolve my life around. If you find yourself in a life built around "faith" you're too lost to even begin understanding this.

Now I'm not saying that I know what (if anything) happens to you when you die. I do know that what ever happens it's not going to make a damn bit of difference if you bowed your head and prayed or picked up the phone and read the side of a Wheaties box to a dial tone.




All illustrations & designs are that of Normal Bob Smith (C) 2000 - 2009