Normal Bob Seal God Ate My Balls
Part 10, March 12th, 2009

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God Ate My Balls

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Passion of the Christ

No, I wasn't featured as a "character" in this project. And no, they didn't consider me to be a part of it. So I suppose the answer is "no," I'm not enough of a character to be noticed. And you know what? I wasn't really even invited to the party.
Crashing the Vanity Fair/USA Network Character Project Party

Stephan Weiss Studio, West Village, NYC

So the other night Super Chic Lenora Claire invited me to the Vanity Fair/USA Character Project party that she was to be featured in. She couldn't get me on the guest list, or even assure me I'd make it in for that matter, but as I soon discovered, all that really matters is you come with freshly polished horns, a red head & impeccable style. And that's just what I did.

I was approaching this event thinking to myself "Okay, I'll just say I'm a guest of Lenora's and maybe frantically flip through my notebook like I'm looking for a confirmation number or something and just hope they let me in." Then as I got closer to the swank Stephan Weiss Studio in the West Village where the event was being held I could see paparazzi and tuxedos and striking, expensive looking women holding clipboards clogging every entrance, and I realized this even had the potential to get kinda ugly.

Me w/two tightly dressed, ultra-chic Soho honeys

When I got to the door the lady with the list said "Hello! Are you on the list?" to which I replied, "I'm with Lenora Claire," and as she futilely brushed her fingers over pages of names a lady to her left said "Yes, Lenora's already checked in. Come on in!" And I was waved through into a lightening storm of camera flashes. That's when I realized I was on the red carpet in front of one of those logo patterned walls that celebrities stand in front of to pose for a crowd of photographers... and the ham flowed out from me like an unlicensed pig factory. From there the night only got better.

I've really never experienced anything like this before. Celeb treatment all the way, even for "nobodies" like me! They even got my name right! Listen, this party was so hot they hired a Super Model to DJ. Apparently it was one of the "night's top 3 parties in the world."

Lucy Liu was there, and Mena Suvari, and Jeff Golblum, and I even sold a set of Jesus magnets to Andrew W. K. without even knowing it was him! Seriously, he just looked like just some stoner tagging along with a hot girlfriend. Remarkably out of place, in a pretty brilliant way.

Super Model DJ

The stunningly beautiful Maria Angelica left me breathless slipping me her card and suggesting we go out to the next big event together with her as an angel to counter my red devil. As M. Henry Jones would say, "Man...i...cured!!"

What are my chances? One in a hundred? A thousand? A million? That's still a fucking chance!

Maria Angelica

Oh! And there were models, and photographers, and journalists, and free drinks, and bonbons, and gift packages, and a young Hollywood that I knew I should be recognizing but didn't have a clue. I look a little clueless at the beginning of this vid.

Of course, I didn't get so blindingly starry-eyed that I forgot to give anyone who patted me on the back a reality check with GOD IS FAKE flyers or a hard sell on a set of Jesus magnets. I mean, c'mon. A guy's gotta make a buck.

During all of this the thing I kept repeating through my head was, "Why am I not doing this ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?!" Of course, finding out about such events isn't always this easy, but Christ! I feel like I found my new calling.

The next chapter.

My Special Purpose.

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All illustrations & designs are that of Normal Bob Smith (C) 2000 - 2009