Normal Bob Seal God Ate My Balls
Part 2, Oct 14th, '00
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God Ate My Balls

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I now realize that I probably missed out on knowing some really fun people.

GOD'S GREAT PLAN
Everyone Christian!

It seems to me that it must be God's ultimate plan is to have an entire planet of God worshipers. This is when everything will be perfect and the big picture will have come full circle.

I suppose from here we will all begin our new, perfect lives in a world of Christians, quoting our favorite scriptures to each other and patting ourselves on the back for being so fucking right... oops, I mean fricking right! Fricking right, right?

Obviously, there is no chance of this ever happening. There will always be a portion of the population that thinks logically, only believing that which can be proven true. And they will pay by spending an eternity in a burning ocean of fire. Now that sounds like a plan!

This heaven place is going to be the pits. Loads and loads of Christians everywhere singing hymns, telling knock-knock jokes and everyone can be summed up in one word: "nice".

I remember back in art school when I'd be working on a project after class. There were these pseudo slacker-dressed 20-somethings that'd be strolling around campus introducing themselves to students.
He'd sit down and "get his foot in the door".

"Hey dude, watcha workin' on? That's pretty cool."

"Oh, it's a hobo clown I'm drawin' for my conceptual illustration class. It's not finished yet, I'm gonna put a tear in the eye." (This is just speculation on what I'd say. I don't remember word for word, but this is probably right.)

"Wow, that's rad, Hey, what are you doing on the first and third Wednesday of every month?" By the way, my name is Bill, what's yours?" Extending his hand for shaking. (I imagined his youth pastor saying, "Shake their hand, you'll seem chummy and worth befriending!")

It is then that I'd realize I'd made a horrible error and a target of myself for wearing a black T-shirt that day.
"Um, I'm really not interested if you're trying to sell me Christ or something."


That ever so tempting "Single girls will be there" lure.

"No, you've got me all wrong, I was just being friendly, and besides, there will be a lot of cute, single girls there. But if that doesn't sound cool to you then, hey, whatever."

"Yeah, thanks anyway Bill. I'm just real busy lately."

"Fine, you're the one missin' out."
And he'd up and leave. This happened to me on a regular basis. I guess that this method had to work sometimes or else they wouldn't be doing it.
This is just how I'd want to spend two Wednesdays a month, in a room of friendless saps willing to sit through Bible readings for a chance at repented pussy.

Prepare yourselves Christians. You're going to be spending the after life with spunky Bill in Jesus-sales and his band of socially retarded followers.


"Hey, have you met Kenneth?"
"No, what's he like?"
"Oh, Kenneth is such a nice guy."
"Yes, he sounds nice. Very, very nice."
"But everyone is nice in heaven, aren't they!"

Not to worry though, Hell is gonna be the shit! Imagine a place where the guy in charge, Satan, does everything to spite God. Remember, God really fucked him over casting him out of heaven. Sure, God would like you to believe that the Devil is doing all of his dirty work, but trust me, I've worked for bosses who thought that they were God, and it's the folks they fire who start their own businesses that I'd rather work for. Satan knows how to treat the little guy. You know, sometimes it makes me wish that I believed in all that crap.

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