Normal Bob Seal God Ate My Balls
Part 3, Mar 24th, '01
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God Ate My Balls

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Just a short, short time ago in a galaxy far, far away from heaven, I had come to my Ewok senses and realized that the golden droid I had called "God" was nothing more than a fictional character in a long-ass story... with a disappointing prequel. A mere product of legend, faith and hope, it was the last of the childhood fables that I had outgrown.

My life was in shambles,
and then I lost Christ.

Earthlings enjoying this "love" thing.

I had been so very comfortable, my face buried deep in the warm, sticky underbelly of God.
I knew that a greater power was in control, life's purpose was fairly basic and there was a seat waiting for me in paradise.
I mean, what could be better than knowing every action was preplanned, "love" is as easy as its pronunciation, and your stifled existence is overshadowed by the anxious arrival of its end?

Despite all of this fantastic news, I was a horribly troubled individual. The adult logic I had been able to ignore for so long was oozing into the land of make-believe. The truth had always been in the peripheral vision of my Bible-sized blinders.

It was all bullshit, and until I accepted the fact that I no longer believed, it'd be a lie I'd be living.

Fear came first. Mainly the fear of death, and like anything worth doing, the fear had to be overcome. Every adult overcomes his or her own fear of death at some point. The key to this is doing it so that you're being honest with yourself. If you are not, it will come back to haunt you every time. For some straight answers and briliant theorizing I strongly advise getting Stephen Hawkin's "A Brief History of Time", and perhaps The Flaming Lips "The Soft Bulletin".

Your responsibilities are going to increase. You will no longer be able to ask forgiveness from an empty room. You will now have to admit your foils and seek redemption from human beings.
Death will remain a perplexing mystery (as it should) and your life will be yours... again.

EVICTING JESUS

Before attempting this procedure, you should familiarize with the 5 most common stages of Savior-Preservation that you'll encounter.

1.Denial: "You can't evict me, I'm God!"
Remember, his role as God is crucial in the saving of souls. If he truly loved you, he'd set you free.
2.Blame: "You're the one who left the door open."
You do not need to feel guilty simply because you no longer believe.
3.Begging: "Please! I swear I'll be quiet!"
Showing mercy only hurts him. Here you must practice "Tough Love" if you want to help.
4.Bargaining: "Sin all you want, I forgive you!"
Authority to grant forgiveness is his trump card. You're only cheating yourself by accepting this gesture of desperation.
5.Threat: "I'll tell my dad! You'll be DAMNED, for ETERNITY! I'LL SEE TO IT MYSELF!!"
He'll always expose his true self in the end. He's not looking out for your best interest, it's the admiration he covets.

Upon completion of a successful Jesus-flushing, you'll breath easier and life's importance will become clearer. The emptiness that you'll feel will be disturbing at first. It is in this space that you'll put the love you have for actual, opaque beings.

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