Normal Bob Seal God Ate My Balls
Part 6, Apr 6th, '04
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God Ate My Balls

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Magnet “Toy” nearly Destroys all Mankind

Cutting edge/Christian friendly retail store, Urban Outfitters complied with fundamentalist right-wing religious stereotypes last month and removed the eternal-soul-damning Jesus Dress Up fridge magnet sets from their shelves.

Urban Outfitters responded to a single complaint from one guy (Gerry), saying that they do not sell the dress-up Jesus magnets to provoke or offend people, but simply to reflect a diversity of opinion among their customer base. This response was then forwarded to NBC 10 Philadelphia.


The Notorious Jesus Dress Up fridge magnets

The Jesus Dress Up magnets were the 6th best selling toy for Urban Outfitters last Christmas despite the item being an inanimate object of blasphemy. The magnets allowed human beings to pay $14 to commit the unforgivable sin, thus damning ones eternal soul forever and ever to hell (estimated one soul per magnet set). It also provided a regular forum in which to taunt God again and again on the door of one's refrigerator for no additional cost whatsoever.

Shoppers at the King of Prussia Mall in Philadelphia were visually assaulted by the product when an NBC reporter purchased the item and showed it around the mall to get feedback for his story.
"That's horrible!" One shopper laughed, repulsed. "Why is He [Jesus] in tighty whities? He he he!"

After the story was leaked to the public, there were protests outside of the mall and thousands of emails poured in to the retail clothing store from The American Family Association, which includes the elderly, suburban pre-teens/toddlers and automatic-complaint-email-generators. Not wanting to declare bankruptcy like so many other businesses who've experienced the wrath of being boycotted by religious wackos, Urban Outfitters dropped the magnets less than 3 days after the initial complaint letter was made public.

 

 


Mel Gibson
"I'm horrified to see someone trying to profit off of Jesus' execution."

The man who calls himself "Normal Bob Smith" surprisingly admitted to The Washington Times Tuesday to being the creator of the magnet kits (which "coincidentally" ride the coattails of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ).
"I've had the magnets for sale long before the Passion was released." Mr. Smith stuttered in a deceptive tone. "In fact, the site's been around for almost 4 years!"

There couldn't have been a more inappropriate time for such a product, immediately following the recent crucifixion of Jesus Christ in Mel Gibson's movie. Gibson, who thought of making his Jesus movie more than 4 years ago, told reporters that he was horrified to see someone trying to profit off of Jesus' execution.


Smith, who claims to be an atheist, says he's making money the same way Mel Gibson is.

Despite getting the Fun-time magnet games banned from store shelves, it was still available for public viewing on-line at JesusDressUp.com. Thankfully however, the site was shutdown by the Internet Watchdog Group, Laptop Lobbyists. The heroic organization harassed Mr. Smith's web host with faxes, emails and telephone calls until they interrupted its business enough to give the host no choice but to drop the site.

Laptop Lobbyists (the self appointed parents of the world), also demanded that Network Solutions (the provider of the web addresses JesusDressUp.com & NormalBobSmith.com) update Mr. Smith's personal contact information or else put the web addresses up for auction, as per NetWorkSolution.com standards. Mr. Smith was given 5 days in which to comply or lose the site names. Mr. Smith complied two days later, paying an additional $15 to keep the personal information private.

Jesus Christ, who is still alive and living up in Heaven, was asked to comment but did not return this reporter's prayers.


Jesus Christ: "No comment."

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