Oh how you love the
Hate Mail!

Below is a collection of hate type letters that I've received in response to JesusDressUp.com. Underneath each one of these letters is a smart alec retort written by me,
Normal Bob Smith. Now laugh goddammit.

Their emails will be in blue while mine are in black and white.

The Cube is for losers. Anyone who hangs out there is a loser. What? You hang there? Then you my friend are a loser. Of course, right now it's pouring rain out there so anyone at the Cube now is like a double-super loser.

Young skaters with a
Jesus Dress Up flier
So anyway, up town about 6 blocks from the Cube is Union Square. In the past few months I've met cool people there, handed out my fliers to many strangers, watched skateboarders, brushed up on my Tai-Chi... and I almost got into a fight with a model!
You see, there are these guys there who show off about being on the CosmoGirl's "Boy-O-Meter" and modeling for Calvin Klein. They pick up on 14 year old girls with their model-rap and sleep with them too.
Now one of my friends there is a skateboarder. His name is Bob too, so we call him Skater Bob. Skater Bob is very opinionated on the subject of these models because they also pretend to know how to skate, at least that's the case with the model I almost got into a fight with. This guy doesn't know how to skate and he doesn't practice skating.
Models (click for more)
He does know how to stand still on a skateboard and pretend to know how to skate when girls are around, and this really pisses off those who skate there (i.e. Skater Bob).

Skater Bob
So one day the CosmoGirl Boy-O-Meter model is standing in front of us and one of Bob's friends asks Bob for a light. Bob hands him his lighter then he hands it back. Boy-O-Meter then says to Bob's friend, "Ask this guy [Bob] if he can give me a light too." The friend asks Bob and Bob hands the lighter to the friend again (not model boy). The friend says, "No, it's for him." and he hands the lighter back to Bob. Bob simply hands the lighter back to the friend a third time saying nothing, totally dissing Boy-O-Meter.
Boy-O-Meter stares at Bob with his nastiest (yet still pretty) glare. Bob didn't even grant him eye contact. It was a fun scene to behold.

So the stage is set. Us against them. Pretty boy poser-skater wannabes Vs the non posers, cool group with personalities. Dirty looks are periodically exchanged, loud mouth Skater-Bob has no reluctance stating his opinion for all to hear (in his cockney Jersey twang that I love), and status is claimed by dominating the coveted front step position where we always sit. It's your basic immature rivalry that makes for intriguing high-drama. Chicks dig that.

The adorable Skater chick Dana coloring in a Jesus Dress Up flier at Union Square.

This is what led up to Near-fight day. On Near-fight day I was sitting with just a couple of people: my friend Noah, the beautiful Lady Ann, our friend Dana and a couple of others who I don't even know the names of (no Skater-Bob or Venessa). Much to my surprise Boy-O-Meter comes and sits right between me and Lady Ann.

I'm sure he thought he was going to show me "how it's done", but I knew (from a conversation just minutes prior) that Lady Ann was not interested, attracted, or even looking. She was in fact a bit home sick and Boy-O-Meter couldn't have cared less. Thus for the next 20 minutes what I was about to overhear would be priceless.

It started with, "So, what's up?" spoken in his coolest jock-esque monotone droll (think Sylvester Stallone... only less). Needless to say, his dull collection of "conversation starters" failed miserably every time and I couldn't pry myself away from eavesdropping.

Boy-O-Meter pretending to be a skater
(click for more)

Lady Ann & yours truly

Now Lady Ann doesn't speak much English (she is from Puerto Rico) and I actually befriended her through Nessa (who is also Puerto Rican).

"Soooo, what's up?"
Keep in mind that each time he spoke Lady Ann replied with one word answers followed by a good 2 minutes of silence.

"Look at that fat lady." He would say, "She's a lard ass huh?"
A bus went by with the Terminator 3 ad on the side so he seized the opportunity; "That Terminator 3 movie looks like it's going to be a good huh?"

Even a guy covered from head to toe in tattoos couldn't drag a decent conversation out of this moron.
"So, what do you think that guy's parents think about him doin' that?" He inquired.
He must've seen the squareness of that statement because he quickly followed it up with, "You know what, I bet he doesn't even care what his parents think huh?" ...and so on and so forth.

Unfortunately for him Lady Ann refused his offer to go to the store with him: "I'm goin' to the store. You wanna come with me?"
His trump card was rejected and after asking a second time he gave up and strolled away rejected, his model looks not pullin' through for him like they had in the past.

Well my friends, you know me. I began to recap and mock the entire event just as I would a Worst Movie that can't be Missed, reopening the grotesque wounds of failure and turning them into comedy for the amusement of all within earshot (including Lady Ann). Laughter and reminiscing filled the evening air and I was center stage telling the tale in my best model-boy impersonation as only I could. I was quite adorable.

Then, wonderfully, the subject of my mockery was standing behind me appearing very displeased with my unflattering imitation of him.
"What's up?" he grumbled (permanently establishing his catch-phrase).
"Oh, we were just reliving a very funny event that just happened here." I replied.
"What's so funny?" he stated sounding precisely like the sportos in my past who went to high school with me and shouldered me in the hallways.
"Watching you try to pick up on Lady Ann and failing miserably. It was very amusing." ...Well, he asked!

"I think that's pretty uncool." He concluded.
"Um, I think we have a better idea of what's cool than you." I corrected.
"Oh? You think you got a better idea of what's cool? I think you're a punk!"
"I am a punk." I declared and stood up more that a foot taller than him. "You wanna fight me?" I asked.
"I don't wanna fight you." He clucked.

Noah (not a model)
His site
"Then if you don't wanna fight walk the fuck away." I demanded. My friend Noah was making the same demands of him.
"I don't gotta go anywhere." Then he reminded us "It's a free country."
"Oh, so now you want to be our friend? You wanna sit with us and hang out with us?" His refusal to leave sent the wrong message if you ask me. "If you don't want to fight then walk away!" Noah and I yelled. "Don't hang out here, and if you see us go somewhere else!"
Watching him crumble before our eyes was a sad sight to witness. He slumped away, hopefully learning the "mind your own business" lesson he needed to learn.

Since then he's kept his distance, only once spitting on the ground whilst giving me a dirty look... then scampering off to the far end of the square.

I've said it before, I have an admitted prejudice against good-looking sporto white guys and it ain't goin' away anytime soon.

I try to be a better person but "their kind" is permanently labeled in my psyche and their consistency still astounds me.

Skater Dana colors in a Jesus Dress Up flier at Union Square on Near-fight day.

So yeah, Union Square is where it's at.


Subject: Mockery!!!

you're making a mockery of God, and you'l someday stand before him to be judged for all you've done!!!!

Christin Rivera

“I do imagine that you are hoping JESUS has a sense of humor...”

I do imagine that you are hoping JESUS has a sense of humor...or else you are most likely fearing that your ass might be burnt up in hell's fire....good luck either way....c

Charle K.

Nope. You're wrong on both guesses. I think I'm better than Jesus. You know; stronger, smarter, braver. So no, there's no fear on my end. You should ask your friend Jesus though. He's really clammed up ever since I posted the site. I don't blame Him. I'm kind of intimidating.


“p.s.(your an asshole)”

i think this site totally disrespects lord jesus christ!!!

p.s.(your an asshole)


Doesn't anyone know the proper way to phrase this sentence?

It isn't "Your an asshole!"
It's "You're an asshole!"
It's "You are an asshole" truncated! You see?
"You're an asshole!" Say it!

"You're an asshole!"

"You're an asshole!"

"You're an asshole!"

There. Do you finally understand?

“...taking them out of depression and giving up on committing suicide, thatąs Receiving Jesus”

“Well, I guess you all will never experiment such peace that is only found in Jesus.”

Hi Bob,

I saw your site and you know what? I think you are a stupid guy who has nothing better to do with your life. You are afraid to believe in Jesus cause you know that if you do you will have to follow and become a better person which you definitely cannot.

I tell you something: if there's one thing that I've seen saving peoples' lives, taking them out of drugs and crime, making them better people, taking them out of depression and giving up on committing suicide, thatąs Receiving Jesus, not joining in a site and saying: Jesus sucks. What good is that? If the entire world followed what Jesus said to love one another, there wouldnąt be wars, crime, and Mack, there wouldn't be people dying in Jerusalem either. Real Christians do good, they try to help. Now tell me: What good do you do? Gather bunch of empty-heads in your site to speak bad about someone that teaches about love? And even if Jesus wasnąt the truth (but he is), his message is good, much better than yours. You should be ashamed of spreading hate instead of love. Are you proud of it?

There are hundreds of millions of people that will follow Jesus, how many will follow you?

And all you people who agree with Bob, I bet you all feel an emptiness inside, I bet you're not happy, you're frustrated, I bet sometimes you wonder whatąs life all about, maybe you're into drugs, alcohol or in anything that makes you feel secure, cause when you face what you really are you know you are bunch of losers.

If you knew what Jesus is all about, you wouldn't dare say what you say. He's doctrine is so much more than going to church and trying to be a saint. Itąs so fulfilling. Well, I guess you all will never experiment such peace that is only found in Jesus. If you ask him to show you if he's real, he'll do it.

And just correcting you, Jesus didnąt say that everyone who didnąt believe in him would go to hell. Everyone who had the chance to believe but didnąt, will go to hell. He even said that even blaspheme shall be forgiven, unless you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost (Mark 3:28,29)

Bob, you will meet Jesus sooner or later

Angelita Nam

Wait. You're telling me that you've seen people receive Jesus and give up on committing suicide? Wow, that's some powerful stuff. I suppose you're right, I probably will never "experiment such peace". I guess I am a stupid guy. You're a wise and observant person Ana.

Now you concluded your email with something that sent a chill down my spine. You said something in regards to blasphemy of the Holy Ghost being unforgivable? Is that right? Does that even mean if I pray a prayer specifically asking for forgiveness of that one sin (Holy Ghost blasphemy) it WILL NOT be forgiven?

You see, the reason I bring this up is because last weekend I was playin' Truth or Dare with some friends of mine, and halfway through the game I got dared to make a mockery of the Holy Ghost and his good name. Not wanting to look like I was "chicken" I called the Holy Ghost "unreliable" and a "Love Connection dud". So needless to say your email left me a little troubled. Could you elaborate a bit on that statement you made?

Thank you.

P.S. Oh yeah, I also drew a smiley face on my privates and performed what I've now titled "Mr. Holy Ghost Penis Puppet Parade on Ice!" Let me know if that pertains to that verse in Mark as well.

“Fajny gostek???”

Fajny gostek???


Yok maj faddle frap?


“u dick”

u dick


This email has been sent from the West Berkshire LEA system, if you have cause for complaint regarding the content of this email please contact abuse@westberks.org

TO: abuse@westberks.org
CC: 01g-rooney@denefield.org.uk

I feel that I have cause for complaint regarding the content of this email.

Thank you for listening.
Bob Smith

“I have passed this onto appropriate personnel”

Hello Bob,

I have passed this onto appropriate personnel at the school concerned.


TO: abuse@westberks.org

God bless you Sue.

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