Hi, Bob!

Yes, I did put pamphlets in the bibles at Church, because my mother still makes me go.

She thinks I'm still "saveable"

As you may have guessed from the previous paragraph, I am not quite an adult yet. That means I don't have a say as to whether I go to Church or not, unfortunately. Even worse is the fact that I have to set up a lot of the equipment at the beginning of church in the hope that some of the holiness will wash off on me. On Sunday, my job was to put frayed ribbon bookmarks in the Bibles so everyone knew which passages to turn to. So, naturally I thought I'd do everyone a favour and reinforce the weak bookmarks. I wrapped your pamphlets around the bookmarks so that they fell out when the books were opened.

Bob, you should have seen the expression on the priests face! He started roaring "Not bloody BOB again!!!" and spurting four-letter words like he had turrets! You would have been proud at the hilarity of the chaos that followed.

Of course, I got in HUGE trouble from my mother, but it was worth it! Next week I have to replace the toilet paper in the bathrooms, because the priest thinks I can't do anything bad there. This opens a whole new world of possibilities for me...

~Crystal.

Subject: I DEMAND SITE OFF NET NOW!

Dear Normal Bob Smith:

Sorry, I did the subject for the attention due to the fact that you haven't been replying to my past couple of emails. No, I don't hate your website, and no I am not some conservative Christian who wishes to shove biblical quotes and 'your going to hell!' crap down your throat, I am Brendan! I am your official Normal Bob Smith nerd, as well as your official Normal Bob Smith Streat Team!

O.K. Bob, I know what your asking yourself right now, "who the fuck is this kid, and what the fuck does he want with me?" Well Bob, I don't know if you remember me, but I am the kid who always seems to run into you and your friends in downtown Manhattan. I stand about 5' 11", attend the all boys school, and am the 'Normal Bob Smith nerd.

Anyway, I have been doing my part lately, replying to Ryan's emails, and spreading the word.

And by the way, my parents will be so happy to recieve their Jesus Dress-Up fridge magnets for Christmas this year! I can't wait to see the looks on their faces as they see the wonderful world of Bob Smith unwraped and resting in their arms. As you can see Bob, I am risking my home, my education, my life (a lot of Christians are out to get me), and my sexual relationships for the Normal Bob Smith cause. But I feel that it is well worth it, and in the end, we'll all be ok.

Fight The Good Fight!
Brendan

Subject: your so wrong

I am a christian, Roman catholic infact. Point is, I believe God is the ultimate and I'm about to stick up for him.

Please go to the folowing site: www.google.co.uk

Go to the 666th entree and your site appears.

After viewing your site, that does not fucking surprise me, your an insult to Christianity. God is not a cartoon character who finds evil a joke. Bob, you are Satan. Now fuck off and stop trying to entice young minds into your sordid and sad paedeofilic world, keep too wanking in private.

Rich, darlington, UK
+44 (0)7779 xxxxxx

Phone me if you want a fight, fuck head.

Richard Sowerby
richdarlo1977@hotmail.com

What? You don't want the email fight? Is this because "your" sensitive about your spelling?

"Your" also not very good at giving directions. 666th "entree" on a search for what? Do you even know how a search engine works?

And lastly; Roman Catholic?!?!
I needn't say anything more on that topic.

"Your" very brave to pick a phone call fight with me but I don't fight with eleven year olds. You just keep emailing me. I don't mind all of the mistakes and the practice will do you good. I suggest starting out by using "you are" instead. You see "you're" (the word you're trying to locate) is an abbreviation of the words "you are".

Heck, keep listening to me and soon you'll be top of your 5th grade class!

Bob.

my spelling is not too good. i'm from northern england and not to bright.

i tell you what. I'll jump on a flight to your shit country and plant you one on the nose, how about that, eh?

twat

Richard Sowerby
richdarlo1977@hotmail.com

Subject: something else..

me again
its not "And lastly;", much better to say "And finally;"

wanker

Richard Sowerby
richdarlo1977@hotmail.com

Richard,

You are precisely the audience my new dress up page is geared towards! It has been carefully designed to suit the needs of those who wish to cause bodily harm upon me but for one reason or another don't have the balls to do it face to face!

It's the new Normal Bob Smith Dress Up REVENGE!

Are you slightly disgruntled at the things I've drawn and said? Dress me up in a flowery sun dress and make me read the bible! Yuk! Or, are you so outraged that you'd enjoy opening up my skull and feeding my brains to the rats? Or perhaps you're driven by lust? A deep seated yearning to punish me sexually for the wrongs you're so happy to have caught me committing. Strap me down, tear off my clothes, blindfold and gag me, then take your little mouse and put it anywhere you desire! I'm helpless and entirely yours!

Richard, you may not have guts enough to fly out and punch me, but I've got guts enough for the both of us. Pull off my chest plate and see for yourself!

Sometimes wishes do come true.
Bob.

Subject: sorry

Bob,

You win. It was the eve of Halloween and was very drunk and being extremely silly. I don't think I'm evil, sadistict or sexually frustrated (though I've been without it for a couple of months).

I lost it and went mad, sorry Bob. I mean that.

Take care and do what you believe.

Richard Sowerby
richdarlo1977@hotmail.com

Don't worry about it. You're not the first person to lose to me. It happens all the time. I'm a lot quicker and cleverer than many people in the UK. I think that most Americans are smarter than you guys actually, but I was surprised that you chickened out of fighting me.

Maybe it's those chicken noses you guys've got that make you so chickenly. I mean, everyone knows you're alcoholics, but I didn't know that this made you cowards. Or, I guess you drink to mask your cowardness.

Well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Apology accepted.
Bob.

Thanks

Richard Sowerby
richdarlo1977@hotmail.com

Don't thank me! Thank that chicken brain of yours for wising up!

Perhaps you limies aren't so stupid after all.