My friend Bob is a very special fellow. He's one of my best friends here in New York. He is a lot of fun to hang out with and he's one of those guys who you have to meet in person to understand.

He's such a hard guy to describe. He's obnoxious, but sweet. He's friendly, but an asshole. He says all of the wrong things very very loudly... but he is also cool. He has high morals, and yet somehow, also has none at all. And he has a neat speaking voice too, but some say that "he has a girl voice... and he knows it, and that's why he doesn't get any girls."

Anyhow, the following is a series of letters written by Bob to a girl (Trinity) he met while she was handing out fliers for a night club. They exchanged information and she failed to respond to Bob's emails and phone calls.

Hopefully this will help you get to know Bob like I do. Hell, like we all do.

Trin,

What is the deal with you. I ask you to call and you say that you will but you never do! You say that you have a cell phone but you never turn it on. Let me ask you a simple question? What is the point of having a cell phone and never turning it on. That's like throwing money away. If you don't own a cell phone there is nothing to be embarrassed about. If it's just a voice mail you don't have to lie to me, I won't make fun of you because you are broke and you don't have a cell phone. I never had a cell phone, not because I could't afford it, I just don't really care for them. I really understand how it feels to be broke because I also used to be poor. At one time I had to wear hand-me-down skate sneakers and hand-me-down skateboards. So if you are poor and you only have a voice mail I am not going to laugh at you. I've been there.

You probably check your emails once a week because you don't own a computor. You probably check your emails at your friend's house. I do the same thing! But let me know what day you check your emails and I can foward you my story ok.

Listen to me I understand life can be really hard and I am here to help you out. Just call me. The tcc phones only charge 75 cents to call Jersey. Most of the bums usually use that phone so you might have to wait in line. If you need someone to help you let me know. I always tell my broke friends that I can help them. Just because I am white doesn't mean I am rich. I was on welfare when I was a little boy and I am proud to tell all my friends I am not ashamed and used to being poor. Be like me be proud. I just hope that you are not homeless because then I can't help you. You are on your own.

Bob

Subject: a little advice for you

I am really sorry to bother you. I didn't know that handing out flyers in the street for a shitty club was such a professional job. The way you tell me about your shitty job you make it sound like you own the club. If you were in high school and you were handing out flyers for a club you would be labled cool but you are not in high school and you are not a child anymore.

I think its time for you to grow up. Even though you are 6 feet tall and weigh about 185 (fatslob) you have the mind of a pea. If there is anyone you should put down it should be yourself. Try looking in the mirror!! I really feel sorry for people like you. You are the kind of person that thinks they are better than everyone but the truth is you are beyond a loser. I would give you more respect if you were flipping burgers at McMurders. The thing that made me laugh is that you take your job very seriously. How serious can a job be if you make 2 dollar comission for each person you get into the club. The most you can make in a week is about 50 dollars. I think it's time to wake up and smell reality. I bet your parents give you shit about you getting a real job. Why don't you take your fat ass to Starbucks and get a job with benifits.

Love always
Bob

The answering machine message that she left.
296k

"Bob, this is Trinity. I just got your email and..."

hi i am jessica navarrette and i think that you are a fuckin sico and this is no way to treat jesus christ, he is our lord and savior and i am reporting you, you damn idiot, and you should be knocked out. bob, you need to shuve those figures of yours up your boney ass. and this is mocking jesus, he dies on the cross to save our sins, and this is not right. i am not a judge but i know what is right and you are wrong you wack off!! go to hell,

Jessica Navarrette
Hecaballero@wmconnect.com

And who would you be reporting me to? Your mommy?

Subject: this is sinful

Hey Bob is it. I think this site is despicable and you should have never made it. It's a mockery to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He died on a cross for the sins of the world and you go and make a site like this to mock it. the picture up top about magnets and ruining Christmas. Jesus in a Satan outfit. That is really low man. What you want people to dress the Savior of the world up like Santa or the grinch. Those who really aren't the meaning of Christmas.

Man I will pray for you but I am going to rebuke you for Christ gave me the power to do that by coming into my life and saving me from a life bound for hell. Bob you really should get rid of this site and do some serious thinking and asking God for help in a clear right direction for your life that isn't a mockery to Christ. Well you have my opinion on this mockery site of My (the worlds) Lord and Savior. He died for you and this is how you repay Him. That's not cool man. Well, I will pray to Him on your behalf but you should do that yourself.

Murray Wheeler
murray_ca17@nexicom.net

Regarding this "dying" God had to do to make up for the sin-debt we owe to the universe, how does believing in that concept attach me to the paid-in-full people? Your crazy stories seem so crazy to me. Do our bad deeds accumulate over time and collect in the sky or do they disperse themselves onto us in the forms of earthquakes, birth defects and popular sport upsets?

I have so many questions about your strange beliefs. Is your god an other-worldly being? Do you see ghosts (and do they see Him too)? Are there other outer space creatures besides Him? If so, do you worship them too?

Thank you for your email. I am a sci-fi buff and I live for these types of stories.

Bob

Bob,

God is constantly givinvg the people of this world a chance to repent and accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior. Earthquakes and stuff like that may be one of God's ways of showing this world that He is there. There was a time when the whole world had a fear and respect for God that was needed. Now look at this world.

Man I know you may not entirely believe all of this but not even us as Christians really understand it all. It's called faith and I would sooner believe and find out that my belief was inadequate than not to believe and find out that I should have. No there are no aliens out there. God is a spiritual being the Ultimate Being and not I don't see ghosts or worship anyone besides God. Well, I guess I should leave it at that for this e-mail. God bless and my prayers.

Murray Wheeler
murray_ca17@nexicom.net

Yeah, I know, it's really crazy huh? No wonder everyone of faith is always trippin' over themselves when it comes to making sense of it. So confusing. Sometimes it looks like people will believe anything if the threat is big enough.

Eternal hell fire? Christ! Ya' really can't beat that. We used to have a fear and respect for God that was needed, like back when weather fluctuations equaled God's emotions. Back when cavemen used to run from rain and ask forgiveness from an eclipsed sun. Those were the days huh?

Yeah, we really need more fear. We haven't nearly enough of it lately. Good idea Murray. I'll start tomorrow.

Bob

Not only are you a Satanist son of a bitch, but you are a sorry pig too. This country that gave you the freedom to say what you feel, was founded on religious principle. It is not my place to judge you, but I honestly feel that there is a place for you and you'll need a lot of sun screen when you get there. Sincerely, a Christian

Tim Wise
cwise8@backroads.net

Yay! Here I come Acapulco!

You can yay Acapulco all you want to, but smart asses have few friends. When you get to the fiery pits of hell, say hey to the bitch that had you and the son of a bitch that fathered you for me. You have guts, but all you'll ever amount to is the computer nerd that you are. By the way the name is Tim you sack of shit

Tim Wise
cwise8@backroads.net

Tim Wise (you're name is so ironic),

Yay! I can yay Acapulco all that I want! Yay Acapulco! Yay Acapulco! Yay Acapulco! Yay Acapulco!
And I'll have you know that I'll be in hell without my parents because they're both Christians! So HA!

Hell with no parental supervision! Yay Acapulco!

Bob Smith
*Computer Nerd
*Toy Maker
*President of NormalBobSmith.com
*Complaint Dept. Asst. Mngr.

Dude many people love himand all your doing is making fun off him so stop becuase i love him very much

Lacie Cron
xxxbradxxx@frontiernet.net

No no no.... I'm not just not making fun of Him.
I'm profiting off of Him too.
You understand, right?

Bob

Hey, its sounds to me like your making fun of him i mean like dude your counting the ways how to pick on him so you are , also not understanding what your saying

Lacie Cron
xxxbradxxx@frontiernet.net

No, what I'm saying is that I'm both making fun of Him AND profiting off of Him. I'm not just making fun of Him and that's it. There's actually an entire business based around the mockery, and it is turning a profit.

Now you understand what I saying?

Bob

Hey

so u are but your also makin fun of something else your not a nice guy and dont talk with me because what your doing is wrong i dont want u to talk to me ok so good bye bob

Lacie Cron
xxxbradxxx@frontiernet.net

Hold on a second! You started talking to me first, right? I answered all of your questions and this is how you treat me? It is very disrespectful. I have feelings too you know. How would you like it if I treated you like that? You wouldn't like it would you? I didn't think so.

Next time think about the other person's feelings before your own.

Bob

you are the worst guy in the world to make fun of Jeasus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Izylovr@aol.com

Hooray! I finally beat Hitler!

if you ever write back i'll call my loyar

Izylovr@aol.com

What do you mean? Like this?

And it's "lawyer" babe. Um... can 12 year olds hire lawyers?

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not 12! I am 4! so get your sorry butt away from me or youll be sorry-er

Izylovr@aol.com

Sorry Let me rephrase what I wrote before. " If you ever write back I'll call my lawyer"

Izylovr@aol.com

Yeah, you're also going to need a spelling teacher huh?
I can see it now, being summoned to appear in court because I emailed you: "U r heerby ordered 2 apeer in cort 4 the krime of emailing when askt not 2 email some1"
Ha ha.... I'll be so sorry!

Thank you for emailing me Izy.
Bob