I just recently stumbled across this new Super Bible that is supposedly selling, like ten times better than the first one did. It's got more miracles, twice the good deeds and the messiah in it knows Ti-Chi, and can count the letters in sentences just by hearing you say the sentence!

You can thank Joey Behymer for me discovering this New & Improved Bible! And he's just another crazy character in this kooky issue of...

Hate Mail!
Their emails will be in blue while mine are in black and white.

Greetings to Normal Bob!

I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you that I enjoy your website to no end. I found the link to Jesus Dress up during a random search and have not stopped laughing since. I love the comics, the hate mail, the dress-ups, the NBS revenge page and of course God ate my balls. In the words of Comic Book Guy: Best Essay Ever!

I enjoy your hate mail because I never grow tired of reading your responses to your would-be redeemers. I find them sometimes funny, sometimes scathing but always thoughtful. I have had my horizons expanded by your unique and well researched point(s) of view on numerous occasions.

I'd like to ask you a few questions at this point in time just out of sheer curiosity. Feel free not to answer any if they are too personal.

1) What do you find to be the most absurd "rule" in the bible?
2) Your favorite moment in Satan's Salvation?
3) Your favorite Hate Mail x-tian?
4) Your favorite Jesus Dress-up outfit?
5) What inspires you THE most?
6) What are your political leanings?
7) Would you ever do a Bush dress up?

That's about it for now. I hope I haven't asked you a bunch of questions that you get all the time. I look forward to viewing all of your work in the future.

Keep on (not) believing
Josh.

1) What do you find to be the most absurd "rule" in the bible?
I've always favored the Blaspheming the Holy Spirit as the one unforgivable sin. I hoped that doing such a thing would cause more Christians to just give up on me and let me be, but it didn't. And it's great! I believe it shows once again what little weight they put in God's word.

2) Your favorite moment in Satan's Salvation?
You know, oddly I find myself continually going back to the Bloody Nose episodes. I've always been cursed with random bloody noses for no reason. This I've always blamed on Jesus, so it's nice for me to give Him a taste of His own medicine.

3) Your favorite Hate Mail x-tian?
My god, there are so many. I could never choose just one. But if you made me pick, then, maybe I'd choose Pastor Bob. Those were the greatest, and it put everything in a whole new perspective for me; That a grown man, with that much education and experience can still be an idiot.

4) Your favorite Jesus Dress-up outfit?
I always laugh at the Evil Jesus Dress Up options. That's easily my favorite version. Hmm, perhaps Hitler? Yes, Hitler. Then John Wayne Gacy.

5) What inspires you THE most?
Sex.

6) What are your political leanings?
God I hate politics. I've been all over the board, and am horribly judgmental about everyone involved. I think I hate them all. Does that count?

7) Would you ever do a Bush dress up?
Nah. Doesn't interest me. I suppose I would if someone paid me. So, yeah. I guess I would. It bores me though. But I've gotten hundreds of requests for one. (Here's a Bush Dress Up for those of youwho are deparate for the page).

Thank you for the compliments and questions. I hope that the answers are satisfactory.

Bob

Thank you for your timely and interesting reply. Thanks to you I now blaspheme the holy spirit at least once a day. The fun part about that is when my catholic co-workers try to save my soul I can merely reply: "Oh don't bother. I've violated Mark 3:29." They never fail to give me a blank look. "It means I'm blasphemed the holy spirit on numerous occasions which is an unforgivable sin." Sure enough next they ask me: "What does it mean to Blaspheme." I reply: "Oh that's easy. It's when you call the holy spirit casper's less friendly cousin or that it likes altar boys or something of that nature." That settles it, the attemption redemption is over. All thanks to you! :-)

I'm with you on politics. Society seems to muddle along no matter which asshole is in charge. I hate the shrub more because I am studying environmental science then his poltical leanings.

In regards to Satan's Salvation: The bloody nose scene is great, especially the "Oh no, blood on my new magic cloak!" part. Laughed my ass off good on that one. 138 (satan's daydreams) is my favorite, personally. I worry that you'll tire of doing it because I've found it to be a ceaseless pick-me-up whenever I've had a bad day.

I am very thankful that you took the time to reply to my letter so promptly. I hope that my rambling monologue here didn't bore you too much. Take care of yourself and just remember what Jesus said: "Suffer the little children to come unto me." Oh that's where the priests get it from, lol.

Josh
I put some of your banners on my Livejournal

 

“were you sitting on the toilet and had the devil jump into your butt and come up with this crap?!”

Subject: WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!

i doubt that this will get read amongst the corporate crap forgetting the people... i find your product rude offensive and downright EVIL.... what, were you sitting on the toilet and had the devil jump into your butt and come up with this crap?! this is juck and should not be made or online!! i hope you will change your mind... God bless you!

geocities.com/shifuh_2007/4hisglory
check it out
Joey Behymer
shifuh_2007@yahoo.com


Wow Joey.

I was about to toss this email as just another poor attempt to argue your side with, what I refer to as, "The Name Calling Defense"... then I saw the link you sent me with all of the Christian stock images. You really gave me something new to ponder there.

The one of Jesus' face glaring down on planet earth really made me think. And then I saw that one of that sparkling guy on the lightning-horse, and I thought: "Wow, um... Christians are really strange."


It's so nice of you to offer those images (that you got from other sites) to people for no cost. I took the one of the cover of the bible for my site. I did however alter it just a tad to help get the point across a little better.

Thank you Joey.
You've really done your part.
Bob

PS. Your site had 12 hits on it when I visited last night.


“i am however offended that you would have trash-talked my website”

I would like to apologize for my rudeness.... i was having a bad day.... i hope that i did not sway you to oppose my religion and stuff.... i am however offended that you would have trash-talked my website.... i put that together as a way for Christians to enjoy God.... i think it is completely against the teachings of christianity to dash such a website..... i apologize again and hope there are no hard feelings... God bless you!

Joey Behymer
shifuh_2007@yahoo.com


Hey, it's no sweat off my balls shit for brains! You're the one who's got to wake up in the morning and look at a dud in the mirror every morning.

BTW, you need to get more pictures I can use! I'm already bored with the one's you've got on your site! If you want, I'll gladly submit photos you could post.

Do yo need more pictures of Jesus Christ? I know that if you go to Google and type in "JESUS CHRIST" into their image search you can find a shit load of pictures to give away!

Let me know. I've got other places on the Net I've discovered that'd be perfect for your make-shift Christian stock photo gallery.

Bob


“i would like to update but havent had the time”

Thank you very much for your suggestions. i would like to update but havent had the time.... i hope to have an opportunity soon.... i will try and do it this week..... how are you?? btw... what state are you from??? oh crap, im outta time... gotta go get ready for school..... God bless you

Joey Behymer
shifuh_2007@yahoo.com


Cool! Hey, I found this picture that you can give away on your page. It's of Jesus dancing in a pond with some dude. It's kinda gay but you can use it for your site if you want. Could you put "Found By Normal Bob Smith" or something underneath it when you post it? That'd be cool. I found a lot more pix too that you can use. Just say the word and I can get you like 5,000 pictures! It'll be the hugest Christian site on the Net!

I'm from New York City. Where are you from? I'm guessin' Nebraska or someplace boring like that! Oh shit! I gotta go read the Bible! Ha ha ha! Just kiddin'! Cool man.

Later.


Wet Jesus Dancing Gay in Pond with Gay Man
“I was researching for a BIG 20 PAGE history report on Jesus when I happened to run into this awful catastrophe.”

Subject: How Rude!

I cannot believe that you would make something up like this! I was researching for a BIG 20 PAGE history report on Jesus when I happened to run into this awful catastrophe. I do not know what you were thinking putting this up were people who actually believe in what happened to Jesus could see.

It is disturbing and has to be against everything in the bible. If you think that this is a joke than you have a very very bad sense of humor. I am very upset with this and hope that Jesus and his many followers bring you BAD LUCK!

DJ Weber
djweber@chartermi.net


Oh God! 20 pages on Jesus Christ? Are you including a section on how all the research done for the project was taken from people who'd only heard rumors through a couple hundred year old grapevine? And will you also emphasize that Jesus Christ took no part in documenting His life and was not available to confirm or refute the stories?

You should also mention that all of the records of that period were kept by wacky, superstitious loners who weren't gettin' laid and shivered in terror during thunderstorms. It wouldn't hurt to remind everyone that the authors claim that their information came to them telepathically from God Himself from the 4th dimension while they ate mushrooms that hadn't been approved by the Food & Drug Administration.

And finally you should tell the readers that no one has ever been able to do any of the magic tricks that the Bible describes, and that ever since the invention of audio and video recorders there has never been a miracle performed by God to be documented.

Now, with all that I think it'd be funny to include that not only do you believe every word said in that book but you also think there's such a think as bad luck, and see it as a worthy threat to those who offend you.

Now that'd be a report worth reading!

“stick it up yer ass.”

the first record i bought was in 1979. if the kids are united by sham 69... they rocked then and still do today i guess. your site is shite, keep up the good work u punk. im no so sure about the jesus mockery, he was a bin-laden, a che guevara... more than you will ever be kid! stick it up yer ass.

peace
mr bill.
wales uk
Andrew
vivus@hotmail.com


Yes, well, He was also make-believe, so He was a Big Bird, a Robo Cop and a Willy Wonka too. So I say you can shove it right back up your ass after its been suckin up the juice from mine.

Graduate from fucking preschool you idiot.
Bob


“i just dont like agrerssive mockery it seems a bit silly really”

har har nice one bob.
1/ thanks for takin time to reply
2/dont take it the wrong way, im a skeptic too i just dont like agrerssive mockery it seems a bit silly really
3/some people have got a real problem with you havent they!
4/ see, i can count!!!
5/see you around dude.

peace
Andrew
vivus@hotmail.com


You don't like aggressive mockery because you think it's a bit childish, BUT you tell people to "stick it up their ass" and you believe in the Blond Boy Wonder who loved all the little children most of all?

Mr. Bill. You are the silly one... "dude".
Bob

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 13:55:25
“go tom hell”

you are sad you are a pig do you thing he would like that no so go tom hell

A. Gabidon
AGabidon@aol.com


Tue, 13 Jan 2004 13:56:40
“ i hate you”

you are a pig i hate you so there

A. Gabidon
AGabidon@aol.com


Tue, 13 Jan 2004 3:58:28
“pig”

send one back then pig

A. Gabidon
AGabidon@aol.com


I have been sitting on these letters three for exactly 55 hours and 4 minutes. It is 5:07 in the morning and I am still horribly troubled. These are the ones that so carelessly refer to me as "pig" within their poorly punctuated kindergarten speak. Where does such a reference come from? How is it that it's found its way to my Inbox? How has this happened to me at this point in the game? Who is A. Gabidon and where does he find such words?

I'm looking in the mirror for what must be the hundredth time. My slim face and arched nose resemble nothing similar to pug, and I am neither obese nor round like some offish boar. My fingers are slim and well groomed. My legs are long, even knobbish (if you must scurry to a Thesaurus to fish out a clever insult to dash in my direction)... heh heh.

And it couldn't be my grooming habits that you're referring to. Even my neighbors have complained, saying that "There is not enough hot water for the rest of us with all of the bathing you're doing in the wee hours, singing songs of how you do not resemble that gluttonous farm animal!" Their words echoing through the venting shafts that lead to my bathroom's ceiling.

"I sing these songs for A. Gabidon!" I yell at the tile. "They are a reflection of the war in my heart from his accusations that bears no resemblance to me!" It always ends with some heavy stomping overhead, then a gradual decline in stride to where they surely place their heavy asses onto a sofa and dine in a snack food trough propped up by a TV tray with bending legs and quivering stature.
"You are the PIGS!" I yell. But they can never be distracted from their HBO premiers.

So where does this characterization leave me? I am now gazing at my glistening rear end in the mirror, drying it off after another shower during this graveyard shift. "A little rounded, you are, Mr. Buttocks." I declare. "But not that of a pig." I'm toweling off, searching for the answers without even being sure of the question.
"More like two piglets!" Laughing my heavy laugh. "Like two piglets who've stopped halfway up my length to nestle and feast from the nipples buried deep in the concave of my pubic bone!"
My own analogy sends me out of the bathroom guffawing enough to arrouse my neighbor's stomping hooves once more. Oh, these nights. If A. Gabidon could see how this (what he describes as pig-like) allows me to have such freedom in the hours before dawn.

As the snow comes down outside and blankets the automobiles in its sheets, I cherish that which makes me a pig to these eStrangers. And it's 15 minutes until their alarms will be sounding, so I go to my linen closet and retrieve another comforter, increasing the layers to four.

I will Spellcheck this later, when I finally wake up on my own schedule's leisure. When Gabidon is probably on a lunch break eating the bastard offspring of a rusty vending machine.

I throw open a window before I bed, and wave my fist west.
"PIG! Now wake for Farmer Jones, you tool!"

 

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