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Sperm
Boy Manifesto
January 26th, 2004, 4:18pm
I know
that you're avoiding me, Sperm Boy. I'm not blind to these things.
When
you came in here on the 26th at 4:18pm (just three days after seeing
you after a whole year!) you ducked out and ran into Kmart. You
never came out of those front doors. Did you fall asleep in there?
Were you doing your hair all that time? Were you shopping?!? An
hour and a half later and you still hadn't emerged from there. I'm
no fool. I know you're avoiding me.
"S" is for Sperm
That
day I drew a picture of you while I waited. In the picture you have
no arms. Imagine what that'd be like, Sperm Boy.
NO
ARMS.
And in
the picture I drew you were wearing a sleeveless turtleneck. No,
not "sleeveless" like holes at the shoulders. "Sleeveless"
like stitched up shoulders. Completely sewn shut. No place for arms
to go through! Isn't that exciting? No need for arms in my turtleneck
sweater. None whatsoever. Made without sleeves. Period. Get the
picture?
I also
portrayed you with a long wiggly Sperm-like tail instead of legs.
Wouldn't that be neat? All wiggling around, squirming about on a
cement floor... in the basement.
Secret basement.
But you
can't hide from me forever. You have to come up for air.
I
AM AIR.
A couple
times now when I've seen you, you haven't been wearing your Sperm
Boy hat. Why is that? You're Sperm Boy in your hat. You wear the
hat. That's what you do. That's all you need to do! Wear the hat.
I suggest to you that you wear the hat.
Secret basement.
I was
with my friend Colyn when I saw you two days ago, and you made me
look foolish in front of her. I had told her about you, and then
when you showed up I pointed you out to her, then you quickly went
away... and you weren't wearing your hat either! I'm not sure that
I like it when you don't hang around in your outfit that you promised
to me. Promises are meant to be kept.
When
I look out of this window I am expecting you to be keeping your
promises to me in your hat and turtleneck sweater.
"Thank you
for showing me perfection"
Also
when I draw you, I make your sweater meld seamlessly into your tail.
I don't yet know how I could do that, but that's what I would try
to do. Then everything would be complete. Without arms in the new
sleeveless turtleneck that went down to your wiggly tail. Only then
would you be perfect, like you're destined to be.
But when
someone becomes perfect, like you will be, you'll find that the
outside world does not accommodate your needs any longer. You'll
have new needs. That's why I've prepared a place for you that you
will like. It is warm and dark and quiet. You'll be safe there,
able to live out the remainder of your Sperm Boy life away from
the imperfect world outdoors. A place where you will be safe. Safe
to wiggle about in your new sleeveless turtleneck and your new tail!
Aren't you excited? I know I am.
•Introducing
Sperm Boy!
Pg 109
•Where
is Sperm Boy today?
Pg 110
•Last
Sperm Boy sighting:
Pg 112
•Farewell
to Sperm Boy:
Pg 117
•Sperm
Boy Returns!:
Pg 146
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