The magnets are starting to cause a stir.

Their emails will be in blue while mine are in black and white.

Ode to My Love

This is a tribute to the most wonderful, magical member of mine. My cock. I love you. Your length, your girth, your hardness and your softness. You, my beautiful penis. Yes, you. You keep me strong when I am weak. And you make me weak when I am strong. You cool my head when I am hot and heat my pants when I have a cold. You warm hands when they are frosty, and you point me ever forward when I don't know where to go.

Throbbing, pulsating and alive, like some B-movie monster peering out from the unzipped. You are traitorous and demonic, yet still warm and lovable. Girls want to run away in terror, yet they always return, drawn to your villainy.

You are most famous. A celebrity in a shoebox stage with a hole poked in the bottom and tiny red velvet curtains draping you in a frame. You are the next big star glistening under a blinking arch of Christmas lights. A one man show. I wish everyone could gaze upon you and see how glorious you truly are. But no. Only a lucky few will ever see such wonder and dazzle in its glow. And the rest, the ones without you, will only know sadness and despair.

You are Prince Peter searching for a princess in a tower looming high into the clouds, aiming your wary eye across a kingdom. You demand entry into areas most sacred, and take up so very much room, lugging bags too large and full. My how your cockiness scares them.

I'd give my life for you. Did you know that? It's true! You are my life. The most honest and real example of life that there is! I take such great pride in you, my sweet. You are so beautiful, and sleek, and firm in stature. And you bring me so much joy and happiness. I promise you, Mister Dick, that until the end of time I will care for you. I will wash you and polish you and keep you moist on the hot summer days. I will search long and hard for a love who deserves you and loves you as much as I.
Someone who will smother you in sweet sweet kisses when you have been well behaved, but also see no shame in spanking you when you are very nasty. Oh how I long for that day.

So, my most wonderful member, this is for you. May you get all that you desire, and then some, because it is not only for your happiness, but for theirs as well. I owe you more than I could ever deliver. Your demands are so great and your pouting so cruel...
you selfish prick.

“You should be sues for a hate crime.”

I can't believe how sacriligous and base your DressUpJesus items are. It is highly offensive to my beliefs and I'm not a religious nut. I watched as other people looked at it and everyone had the same reaction. You should be sues for a hate crime.

I told the manager of the store that I will never purchase anything in his store again and I won't. Also I will tell everyone I can about Urban Outfitters carrying such offensive items. I know this is probably just what you wanted - offending people - but what you did was sick.

Patrick O'Brien (Patrick Martin) .

I have been contacted by the management of Urban Outfitters regarding the specific complaint that you've made, and I've been asked to address it directly. So here I go...

Please please PLEASE don't sue me! Oh please God NO! I beg of you! It was an accident! "Sob." I promise! "Weep." I didn't mean any of it! "Cry." What do you want from me? Groveling? Tears? Blood?!? I'll do anything you ask! Oh why is this happening to me? Why, Pat? WHY!?! (include lots more belly aching and sobbing here)

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot. Please, I beg you not to complain to the staff at Urban Outfitters! I am so positive that they're going home and losing sleep, weeping their puppy dog eyes out screaming: "I hope we don't go bankrupt without Patrick's fourteen dollars! Without the fundamentalist wackos who will buy our merchandise how will we survive?!?" they sob into the store's intercom system.

Oh weep, cry, sob and even more crying still. I lunge forward onto this table and scream into my hands in unbridled terror. Whatever shall I do now... and so fourth.

Thank you for taking the time to give us your feedback. I hope that you found this response satisfactory.

Complaint Department President/CEO
Jesus Dress Up Fridge Magnet Enterprises
Normal Bob Smith.

“I hope when you have children and they become a poster child for some disease...”

Subject: Jesus Magnet

I hope you get whatever condemnation you deserve.
I cant believe you could amuse yourself w/the image of Christ.
You better watch what you do, for it could fall back on you or worse yet your children. I hope when you have children and they become a poster child for some disease nobody draws a moustache on them. Do you not care what you depict yourself as by created such a product?

God save you. Please reflect on your choice to produce such an item.
It is a greater sin to be the cause of others to commit sin. So whoever you sell to, times the number of buyers by at least one plus your own sins.????????????????? Where will you be at the end of time. Please take this off of your shelves or fridges.

Cassandra Smith

You win!

Your "hopes" top mine any day! -My children to become diseased? And people drawing mustaches on them?!? That's hard-core! Are those the things you really hope for? I mean, I don't like kids much either (why I never plan to have any), but my dislike for them doesn't involve paramedics, long hospital stays, browsing child size coffin catalogs and vandalizing their portraits. I didn't think I could be topped, but you Cassandra have topped me!

Do you care how you depict yourself by writing such an email? I suggest that you reflect on your revenge techniques and see your fellow human beings (like children!) as more important than Jesus' feelings. Christ, you're goofy just for thinking that my magnetic toy has anything to do with my whereabouts at the end of time. Please tell me you'll get your tubes tied.


“What gave you this idea? ”

Subject: I dont get it...

Why is this funny to you? I am not even a churchgoer, I am not an active christian, but this is upsetting to me. Don't get me wrong, I am no do-goooder or watever, but this is offensive! What gave you this idea?

Matthew A. Mitchell

What a wonderful question Matt. Let me address your inquiry.

I got the idea from a belief that I am actually better than Jesus Christ. It's a form of mockery, similar to how one might mock a losing opponent in a popular sports competition, or laughing at a family member who falls down a flight of stairs.

You see, I've concluded that I am better than Jesus Christ because the stories that I write about myself are true, as opposed to Christ's that are clearly pretend. Sure, I cooould write stories that'd clearly blow His out of the water! I could represent myself as a miracle worker, Son of God, write about saving children's' lives, behaving flawlessly in every scenario and even raising from the dead, again and again... for the good of mankind. But if it's all fiction it hardly makes me a better person, right?

So there you go. I hope this answers your question, Matt. I'll tell ya', it's a delight to be able to explain my feelings on this matter, as I feel quite strongly about them.


“I do see the potential for your own 'fame and glory' though no matter how sick... you claim to be.”

I do not see the humor nor the 'art' in this. I do see the potential for your own 'fame and glory' though no matter how sick and 'artistic' you claim to be.


You've hit it on the nose.
Oh, except for 'claiming to be sick'. I do not make that claim.


“...websites and emails circulating with your picture and the hilarious 'changes' made (I really thought the one of you and the dog was funny, though the one of you and Hitler was quite funny too, although predictable)”

I am glad you have a positive attitude.I am sure you do not mind the websites and emails circulating with your picture and the hilarious 'changes' made (I really thought the one of you and the dog was funny, though the one of you and Hitler was quite funny too, although predictable) I cannot believe some of these sites though, but it is art right?Good luck to you.


Oooh! I'd love to see those pictures! What are the web addresses? I have to link them to my site!


“No need to worry, your site is linked to them...”

No need to worry, your site is linked to them, how else would I have found your site?! I hope with any profits you can afford to purchase a dictionary. You have a word misspelled on yours; the site with you, Martha Stewart and David Gest pointed it out.


No! You don't understand. I must see the link! It all sounds very hilarious (these devastating, and emotionally heartbreaking photos and artistic renderings of myself). I'm dying for a good laugh at myself (something every human being should be able to do). Please email me the link! That is, unless you're just playing make-believe?


“I will try to find the emails and links again, I never save anything.”

No, not playing, thanks for thinking that though. You still have a word misspelled on your site, if you cannot afford a dictionary, I suggest the word is in the last paragraph, actually the very last word. I will try to find the emails and links again, I never save anything.


WHAT?!?! A misspelled word?!?! I misspelled a word on my site!??! Please! Lisa, I beg you! Please tell me the page number! Please direct me to the paragraph! I can't believe that after 480,000 words I've got one misspelled! Oh, I beg you Lisa, please ease up on the jabs regarding my horrid spelling. I can't even bear it. "sob"

And I have the sneakiest suspicion that you aren't going to be able to find these links.


(Unfortunatly no links or images were ever forwarded to me. You know, this may inspire another art contest!)


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