My friend/photographer Venessa gets involved with the Mike Greiner files.
Subject: Mr.Greiner, You are on NormalBobSmith.com!!
I'm writing in response to your letter located in hatemail page 229 on NormalBobSmith.com.
Initially I thought what you wrote was kind of funny, only before realizing how completely in the dark you are. First I thought you were one of those anti-fans. You know, those people that don't really care either way about god or religion but are just angry Bob is getting attention and recognition that they cannot. Yeah, I can never get enough of those guys. But then I noticed something... You're just one of those brain-dead I love jesus people! Kind of like the brain-dead I hate jesus people you described, except you see those people you described don't exist. It's impossible to hate someone you don't believe exists. That's like me hating... well, Santa Clause. How can I hate a man whom I've never met and who I know does not exist? Sure I can hate the idea of Santa Clause. I can hate that people lie to their kids and make up this stranger that comes to deliver their jesus presents. But tell me Mike, how the hell can I hate Santa? Well, I can't.
You see silly, we don't hate jesus, we just don't believe in him or god so it's okay for us to make fun of him. We can joke and blaspheme until the cows come home and it won't matter. The only thing we'd be hurting are the feelings of believers. And you of all people must know they don't count anyhow!
Your whole email turns to shit after your "normal-bob slathering groupie" comment. I mean seriously, did you completely give up and just start typing out some dumb dialogue between you and yourself that you (and only you) could think were funny? You should have a family member or friend supervise your attempts at humor before clicking the send button. You know, kind of how they supervise your meal time, bath time and bed time. Your email was not funny.
So what if Bob is obsessed. Christianity and Christian mentality is a very easy thing to become obsessive about. There is so much in that fucking book, you know that book. The bible. There are more holes in that thing than swiss cheese! Plus you guys have about a trillion different ways to interpret that book. It's really kind of incredible.
Well I hope this email has helped you better understand some issues you were obviously misinformed about. I'd hate to give you an excuse to spin farther down the spiral of uninspired sarcastic ramblings.
I saw your letter on Normal Bob Smith's site, and I felt compelled to explain something to you.
I can't speak for Bob, but I don't care about Jesus any more than I care about any other fictional character. But people like you do care. If that was all, if you cared about Jesus and the Bible the way some people care about Yoda and Star Wars, I'd just shake my head and walk away.
The problem is, some of you are trying to run *my* life based on *your* fantasies. That makes it my business, and means I can't just walk away. Nobody is trying to pass constitutional amendments defining marriage as between one man and one Wookie, we don't have "Use the Force" printed on our money, and we don't have a moronic president attacking other countries because he thinks they're on the Dark Side. When any of that happens, I'll put up a site mocking Jedi Knights. Until then, I'll stick to mocking Christians.
I hope that clears up things a little.
Subject: Your e-mails to Bob Smith
Well, I must say you did an awesome job of saying...absolutely nothing. I've gotta hand it to you, though, it's not often that someone tries to predict what someone else (someone they've never spoken to or even know) will do over the Internet. Bravo for that. I can't speak for Bob, so I'll speak for myself. I don't hate Jesus. I just don't think he ever existed...ever. If that translates to hate in your eyes, YOU must be the one with the problem, perhaps even the proverbial turkey.
|“What can be better than wasting my life laughing at people whom I think are phonies?”
Oh Bob, you are so cool. The way you put down those Christians just shows how very intellectual you are. I hope one day to be just as obsessed with people I believe are phonies, just like you. What can be better than wasting my life laughing at people whom I think are phonies? Oh sure, I could get a life of my own, but then where would the fun be!
You are so smart. You are so great. You are so cool. As soon as I have my lobotomy finished, I’m going to be a normal-bob slathering groupie, too!
Keep up the good work, bob. It’s best to stay busy.
Oh, and the way you give happiness to the many brain-dead “I hate Jesus” people is so kind. I mean, they hate him, but they’re obsessed with him. What would we do with these people if you didn’t give them a nice place to visit on the web.
Oh bob, if everyone were like you, the world would be, well, stupid. But hey, I like that. God bless you bob. Oh I mean satan bless you, or whoever it is you obsess over.
See you at the convention for marginalized yo-yo’s! I know I don’t qualify yet, but one day . . . when I’m like you.
Go, bobby, go.
(he’s so awesome isn’t he? . . . okay, well just say he is, it makes him feel important)
All right Mike, I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't have that comin'. However I've honestly tried to counter the fan mail, groupies and "slathering" (as you put it) by stickin' mostly with hate mail and complaints, and generally trying to speak from the heart. Because you're absolutely right. I don't like the phonies. I'm obsessed with it. To me it's the worse thing you can be. Better to reveal your darkest secret than to become a phony. I suppose that's why I love mocking it so much. Some phonies are just so damn phony! Know what I mean? Like, so mistaken in the way they conduct themselves with a "logic" that lacks any kind of logic at all! It totally fascinates me.
Like you and that humorless rant you emailed me, without the tiniest mention of what you believe or think is important. Just you hiding behind the sarcasm, bitchin' about how I bitch about the people I think are phonies.
What exactly did you mean by "Get a life of my own?" What does that mean to you? Am I somehow not living my life doing what I'm doing? Is the art, writing, comedy, dressin' up, making games, selling magnets and workin' the business end of it all not life? Are the people who love my site somehow not living lives of their own? What things would you include that'd make the lives we lead more our own? Oh God, if you say "Jesus Christ" that'd really be the cherry on top of your letter to me.
I'm being very forthright when I say believing in Jesus is wrong. I sure ain't being a phony when I say that. And to me it seems like a statement worth making due to what a high percentage of people believe that He's God. A human God! And believing words written by ancient man! And people really do believe it all! The talking animals, the chariots in the clouds and angels mating with humans. It's fucking madness.
Thanks for the email. I really don't mind being called out on my head getting too big.
Now say something that isn't just witless sarcasm. Because quite frankly, it makes you look like a phony.
|“Oh, bobby, did I get you to think poorly of me? Oh, don’t break my heart...”
Oh, bobby, did I get you to think poorly of me? Oh, don’t break my heart. Someone of your greatness is so important to me.
Me? “A witless phony” oh, you are so right. If only I were like you, a witted man of great integrity.
One of these days, if I am so lucky.
(and if I can stop laughing).
Hey, you know those teenagers on Simpsons that only talk in sarcastic voices, and they've been sarcastic for so long that they don't know how to speak regular anymore? You remind me of one of those characters! I love it!
Okay, now do that again with this email!
|“My first email was sarcastic mocking, that’s all. It didn’t deserve a response. I knew it would get one because cynics are proud and most proud of their intellects. You responded. So I did it again. You bit again.”
Okay, Bob. Here’s the deal.
Mocking and cynicism are the lowest rungs on the intellectual ladder. Anyone can do it. It takes no brains at all. All you need do is find something to be cynical about and say, “isn’t that stupid.”
But, what happens to people who mock and are cynical is they become blind to their own foolishness. Cynics are to the thinking world as turkeys are to the bird family. Turkeys are convinced, especially Tom turkeys, that they are majestic. They puff out their feathers and prance about, and any outside observer knows that they have a beauty of their own, but they are not majestic. The eagles are majestic, the peacocks are beautiful. The turkeys are stupid and they don’t know it.
You’re a mocker. Nothing more. The only reason I emailed you was to test you and see. My first email was sarcastic mocking, that’s all. It didn’t deserve a response. I knew it would get one because cynics are proud and most proud of their intellects. You responded. So I did it again. You bit again.
My friend, (and you may not think of me as that, and that’s fair enough), I have no dislike for you, and I do admire your capitalistic venture, I know that a lot of Christians out there see your sight and get all worked up –as do a lot of Christian haters. By answering your mocking and sarcasm, they walk into you trap, you are in the power position. You take advantage of their naively thinking that you are listening. Well, I turned the tables and you walked into mine. I threw sarcasm at you and you resorted to insults. It was easy.
I will give you only one small bit of actual discussion to work with (because until I know you are going to do anything but rant, why bother? Argue with a fool and he thinks himself wise). Your position that being an atheist is reasonable and believing in a God is unreasonable goes against the evidence. Some of the most brilliant thinkers, from all ages, including the present, believed and believe in the existence of a creator God. You can take pot-shots and the rank and file and get them to bite on your lines all you want, but no intelligence is emanating from your mouth.
Now, my belief is that you won’t be able to resist responding to this. If you don’t respond I will be proud of you, for you will begin to show that you can’t be toyed with so easily. But, if you do, I don’t plan on responding, for my expectation is that I’ll get another rant about how witless I am, or some other such pejoratives dressed up to make you feel intellectual. But, if on the off chance you respond like a human being who is not only thinking, but has control of himself and can show respect to another (and I admit, you don’t owe me this –as I confessed, I began our conversation with sarcasm), then I’ll get back to you. I just don’t expect that to happen.
Well, Bob, that’s it. I have a feeling our paths won’t cross again, but if they do, I shall be more cordial. I pray you forgive the tone of my first two emails, but I’d hope you would see the spirit in which they were given –when one sees a drawn sword, it is only right to pull one’s own and to say, “En Guard!”
May God bless you, and keep you, and make His face to shine upon you,
Ps. I don’t watch the Simpsons
You are clearly putting a lot more thought and care into these emails than I am. You've got me examined from every angle, predicting every move you think I'm going to make next and even anticipating your next move based on what you think I'm doing next! I really don't take all this as if the fate of our eternal futures depend upon who comes out of this exchange the victor. To me it's just you prancing around exactly like the turkey you described.
Don't you know that to me every email I receive is worth responding to because no matter what the argument (be it sarcasm, anger, straight forward or stupidity) they're all real reactions. They're all to be enjoyed and appreciated for whatever they're worth. I mean, you do realize that I post the emails I get, right?
These I'll be posting just to show how much people who say they don't care, care, and the strange games you play in your head in an attempt to stay one step ahead of me. I'm also looking forward to showing you saying, "Mocking and cynicism are the lowest rungs on the intellectual ladder" and then how you send two emails that do just that. And THEN try and pass them off as some sort of clever trap you've schemed to lure me into that "Majestic Turkey" analogy! An analogy that had nothing to do with my "I admit I had that comin" response.
It should be obvious to you why I'm stringing these letters along. Mike, you should always expect a response from me no matter what you're sending, because I enjoy reading your thoughts the way you lay them all out in front of me as you would a collection of your dirty underpants.
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