Hate Mail

Much to their dismay,
I answer their questions.

Their letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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Latest Updates

I seriously don't even know where to begin on all that's been happening in my life and what's coming up here in the near future. I think I'm about in the process of moving so if any of you out there have connections here in NYC/Brookyn for desirable apartments for rent please let me know. You can never have too many options in New York.

The photo you see above is just one of the shoot we had on Wednesday for the Unholy Army Tour. Wait'll you see what we've got in store for you.
Photographer - Keturah Davis
Manger/Stylist: Trisha Star
Models - Nicole Consentino

I'm also trying right now to get more comics to you folks. I have more Satan's Salvation and Sheeples coming up so don't think I've forgotten. I've just been trying to find the time to illustrate them.

Also, if any of you are Wikipedia pros go check out my page there. They seem to be having some trouble with the Quotes section. If you're interested at all your additions or subtractions to that page are appreciated.

And this shit about me DJin' here at Snakemonkey Studios is no joke! I'm here right now, and when I'm not home this is where I be, spinnin' some mad science for the Ooglas and Snakemonkeys, 212 Ave B in the East Village, NYC. Come visit. We're open most every day between 12 and midnight. M. Henry Jones has given me free reign over the speakers in this place, and I don't take the responsibility lightly.

But anyhow I'm serious about that apartment finders shit. If you've got a connection to something dreams are made of around the city or Brooklyn somewhere I'm up for coming down and considering.


Hello, Bob,

I'm a big fan of yours, and have been for years. I've got your magnets on my fridge here in Taichung, Taiwan, and if my house were on fire, I'd grab them right after ripping out my hard drive.

This ain't hate mail.

But I think you could have been more clear in your response to Daniel Graber in Hate Mail 326, when it got to the bit about humans evolving from chimps and whatnot.

We did not evolve from chimpanzees, or gorillas, or orangutans. And no scientist anywhere would claim that. Humans, chimps, gorillas, and orangutans all shared a common ancestor. We're cousins to chimps, etc. But we didn't evolve from them. We evolved from the same primate that they evolved from, way back when.

That's not a distinction that a bible thumper is likely to understand, but it's important.

When confronted with a similar question about evolution, my argument usually goes like this:

Humans, or Homo sapiens, didn't come from chimps, just like you didn't come from your cousin. (Mind you, this argument is often immediately refuted by the more inbred variety of Christian, but there's little to be done about that.)

Think of your great grandfather. We'll call him Jethro. Suppose he had two sons, Frick and Frack. Suppose they both married two different females, and had families whose children went on to have families of their own. It's like the branches of a great big tree. Disregard any inbreeding.

Disregard? That means ignore. Forget about it. Inbreeding? That's why your tree looks more like a pole.

The point is, you did not come from your cousin Sally-May. You share some genes, and physical similarities, but you are not her descendant.

And that's generally where things go wrong. When my opponent insists that he could quite easily procreate with his own cousin, but not with an orangutan, on account of how he done tried but it didn't work no-how, I tend to give up and look for the nearest liquor store.

I never said that my argument was very successful. I just keep hoping that it will be, some day. But the point is, if you're going to talk about evolution, don't let the fact that you're talking to feebs keep you from using sound science.

Warmest regards,
Doug Topinka

PS. Oh! And when they ask things like, "How come we don't see no intermediate stages of evolution, then, huh? Where are all the whales with short stubby legs, and the monkeys with big enormous boobs, and whatnot?", explain that every plant or animal currently living is in an intermediate stage of evolution. Evolution is an ongoing process. A fucking slow one, but ongoing.

Any animal you see today might look very much different in a million years. Or it might not, if it's well-adapted to its environment, and if its environment doesn't change much. Or it might go extinct. But that's how evolution works.

And as for whales with legs, specifically? Sea lions, walruses, seals, otters, you name it. They're not whales, but they might look like whales in a few million years.

If they want more than that, tell them to look at the fossil record.

Which never works, of course. They think fossils were either put there by the devil, or they're the skeletons of animals that drowned because Noah forgot to put Tyrannosaur cages on the ark.

“You cannot judge God by human standards. In relation to each other, we are condemned criminals worthy of death.”

Subject: Answer to the Hell paradox.

Hello, Bob.
I was reading hatemail316 and I just felt compelled to correct your faulty thinking on Hell. Now Tammy has evidently not spent a lot of time thinking about this doctrine, so it makes no sense for you to judge the plausibility of the doctrine by what she says. Analogously, a child may tell you cigarettes are bad for you. The child may not be able to explain why - a tobacco lawyer may be able to make him look foolish, but that does not mean the child is wrong.

First let's examine some biblical data- probably one of the clearest passages about Hell is Luke 16:19-31.
Lazarus and Abraham are clearly able to see the damned and are even able to interact to a certain extent, so Tammy is wrong there. Now note what is said. The Rich Man does not think he can escape Hell. He knows he deserves to be there. Likewise, Abraham knows it is impossible for the state of the damned to change (Lu 16:26).

If this isn't palatable to you, maybe this is because there is a problem with *your* perspective. Read Rom 3:10-12, Jer 17:9, and Is 64:6-7.
You say, "Is heaven similar to how the Nazis found pleasure in watching the Jews suffer and die?"
But that is simply a false analogy. The Jews were innocent of wrongdoing in relation to the Nazis. Do not flatter yourself that you, or anyone else in Hell is a poor, undeserving victim in relatiion to God. You must see how wrongheaded this is. You cannot judge God by human standards. In relation to each other, we are condemned criminals worthy of death. As we shuffle around the prison yard, we are morally obligated to treat each other a certain way. But God stands in relation to us not as prisoner to prisoner, but as righteous judge, who is obligated to see that justice is done. Would you call a judge a good judge if he had "mercy" on all criminals that came into his court and just let them out again?

We humans are spoiled, rebellious brats. We lie and rationalize to ourselves that, "aw shucks, we're not all that bad, we don't deserve Hell!" But this is simply a result of our sinful nature distorting our thinking.

I think that those in Heaven will be truly astonished that they were not sent to Hell. They will see those in Hell must be there by necessity and that they deserve it. They will see things as they are, and not according to your false view that people are morally neutral and that those in Hell are 'innocent' victims.

I don't mean to give the impression that we should joyfully contemplate the damnation of others (Luke 9:54-56), since all people deserve Hell equally and our emotions are tainted with schadenfreude, this would make us unloving hypocrites (as Normal Al Yancovic said in 'Amish Paradise' - "I'll be laughin' my head off, when he's burnin' in Hell").
The point is Hell does not logically contradict the notion of Heaven. There may be factors you cannot at present comprehend that will make the two compatible when people exist in a completely sanctified state.

I'm sorry I couldn't let you off easy by allowing you to refute people who obviously haven't bothered to think this issue through at all, but irresponsibly responded to you anyway. Now please consider what I said.

Brian McLaren

Do you seriously walk around in your daily life looking at others as condemned criminals worthy of death? That's your outlook? Spoiled, rebellious brats shuffling around the prison yard? This is how your religion teaches you to look upon your fellow human beings? This is the groundwork your God lays out for us to construct a decent and productive life upon?

Brian, I think your own words have spelled out precisely why your Christianity is so psychologically unhealthy on so many levels. I can't imagine looking around at friends, family or even people I'll never see on the other half of the world with such a sour eye. You've definitely explained "Paradise while others burn" so that it's no longer a paradox, but in doing so you've matched it up quite well with my "Nazis looking down on tortured Jews" analogy. I assure you that there were Nazis who felt quite lucky to have been born on the right side of the line as they witnessed the suffering and death they inflicted, and amidst all that pain and suffering they found a way to enjoy their paradise, just as you say you will when you pass on to the other side. It's quite a grotesque reality you see in your future. I'm sure you're able to see from my end how disturbing it appears on the surface and I'm sure you've got all kinds of "biblical data" to explain it a hundred different ways, but no matter how you look at it you're still dealing with human beings enjoying a paradise while others suffer forever. And that's a monster of a demon you're claiming as your own.

Brian, I am an atheist, so of course I don't believe that there are Christian parents in heaven enjoying a paradise while their child burns in hell, or that God is the Supreme Being version of Hitler. It's all as much bullshit as Zeus was to the Greeks, and believe me they banked their lives on that "truth" just as you are now with your god.

It's fascinating watching you believe.


“Subject: why?”

Subject: why?

I'm just curious to know why you would take so much time, and talent to make a mockery out of Jesus?

Daniel Graber

Because it's a lie that's gotten way out of control within the country I live.


“what is the truth?”

then what is the truth?

Daniel Graber

God is fake.
“where did we come from?”

then where did we come from?

Daniel Graber

Have you done any sort of studies on evolution or opened a science book ever?


“I don't expect a science lesson from you.”

If we have evolved from ape, chimpanzies,etc. than why are they still a species? And why don't we see any still going through the "evolving" stage? And we all the time see ancestrial genes born generations later in our children, why do they never match an animal species?

I realize you probably don't have concrete answers to this theory of evolution either, I don't expect a science lesson from you. Could you agree that no matter what you or I believe, there are questions left with no concrete answers, and that we have to put our trust in which ever "theory" that you choose to believe in?

Daniel Graber

Yes, I understand that you don't want any sort of a science lesson. That's your problem, Daniel, because there are science lessons out there that answer these questions you've asked me.

The reason there are still apes and chimps even though we evolved from them is because animals evolve differently, especially if they're in different locations on planet earth. The reason given by science for our evolution into humans while the apes we see around us stayed apes is because we separated from the pack and moved from the forests to the grassy plains. For quite some time apes and chimps stayed in the trees, that's why they have such huge upper bodies and scrawny legs. They are built to climb trees and swing from branches. But then there came a time when some of these hulking apes separated from the pack and moved out onto the flatlands, probably in a search for food, which required stronger legs for walking and an ability to stand more upright for looking out over the tall grass. Climbing trees was no longer an option for these curious gorillas so they had to stand tall to spot food and enemies.

At the same time their brother and sister apes which they left behind stayed in the trees where there was no need to evolve into upright, plains-walking venturers. It would not have suited their needs to become less bulky on top with longer, more powerful walking legs. Their bodies were perfectly adapted for where they were, thus they evolved differently over the millenniums.

This is how animals evolve, Daniel. Certain fish develop the ability to flop out of the water and crawl upon the dry land to find more water while other fish never develop this ability. And it's got everything to do with the environment they're in and whether or not the body of water they call home is drying up. Insects, lizards, elephants, polar bears, even viruses evolve differently as a result of their individual fights to survive. These are concrete answers given by science.

In science the word "theory" refers to a mathematical or logical explanation, or a testable model of the manner of interaction of a set of natural phenomena, capable of predicting future occurrences or observations of the same kind, capable of being tested through experiment. Your use of the word theory in reference to your bible beliefs only credit the word as any idea somebody can dream up without any sort of evidence to back it up. That is not proper use of the word "theory," Daniel.

And I'm not sure what you're saying when you state "we all the time see ancestral genes born generations later in our children, why do they never match an animal species?" You need to clarify what it is you're trying to say here. We share many similarities with animals. Scientists have even been able to splice the two together and create animal-human hybrids! Click here. Christ, I love this stuff.

Yeah, this is what I'm talkin' about. You really should just read some books and study science some. It's totally fascinating and it has all kinds of answers to your questions, unlike your bible which you're constantly having to make excuses for, or simply believe in even if it goes against all the evidence.



“god is totally going to punish u by taking u to hell after u die.”

Subject: why?

Ya hi there Mr. Bob
Ya I heard and I totally know u invented the jesus dressup hey u know wat if u think ur going to make fun of god guess what ur not cuzz god is totally going to punish u by taking u to hell after u die.
I hpoe u read this and understand.

Indeliza Marquez

Yes, I know. They're going to send me away to a room that's super super hot with no windows to open or a sink to get a drink from. And they're going to make me wear a rubber skin-diving suit and a snorkel with a banana stuffed down the tube so I can't breath and there'll be a whole bunch of people standing there pointing and laughing at me because I look so silly.

That's when you, Indeliza will get your revenge on me for what I've done and then everything will be all right and equal again, and the meaning of life will have come full circle so everything ends up being fair after all.

Yep, that's what's gonna happen, and I am so so so so scared. Terrified. Really seriously.

Thank you for the heads-up.

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All opinions, writings, illustrations & designs are that of Normal Bob Smith (C) 2000 - 2012
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