Hate Mail "You're just pissed that everyone else who believes in jesus is happy and not lonely. Unlike you."
The Chic Chirac files

His letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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Subject: Hi Bob!

Hi Bob! Just a line to let you know that I have been following your career with great interest. You are a continuing inspiration to me - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who hands Christians their asses with their own book.

If I may, I'd like to ask you a question: does the constant onslaught of stupidity ever get you down? Are there any bright spots? I can tell you that faith is a huge barrier in getting otherwise decent intelligent people to say more than two words to me once I drop the A-word or better yet, non-theist.
It kills me to watch my friends fade into this bleak and dreary world view that the Jesus freaks have. The parties, the drugs, the music, the fun and friendly sexual encounters... have you seen this happen? They just stop and run for the skirts of their priests when things get a little too weird.

I don't see the point in stopping. I like this planet, I like the people on it, and I couldn't imagine anywhere more awesome, and I am surrounded at all times by people who are voluntarily fading. What the fuck is up with that?

What I mean is, once you do away with the god delusion, the only limits you have on your behavior is the law and your own physical limitations. I have never understood it, never actively participated in it, and I have never seen any reason why we can't all just work for profit and get plowed every weekend.
I thought moving to Las Vegas would help the situation. It did for a while, too...but the friends I made started hiding behind the churches and the rituals and all the other bullshit. I got on a bunch of social networking sites and found my old friends...all desperately clinging to a delusion they dismissed in my company a decade ago.

Have you experienced this? What do you do when your old friends start beating a bible in your presence? Well, I have no idea what to do about it. They are still my friends, but their imaginary friend is getting in the way of their real relationships. How would you approach trying to reconvert them, if you thought it was worth it? Or would you just say "Fuck it," and see if you could find new friends, ones with brains?

I hope you can imagine my dilemma. I put these questions to you, sir, not in the expectation of a solution to my problem, but out of curiosity.

Frankly, you are obviously more creative than I am ( I don't have a wildly popular website and a stable of fellow artists at my disposal ), and while you say that you are a clown, I say it is from fools that the truest wisdom may be obtained. Also, feel free to post this message on your site, should you feel it merits such a position - just so these knuckleheads know you do have people who agree with you.

Anyway, thank you for your time, and I respect you for your savvy and your courage. Job well done, sir.

Warmest Regards,
Thomas Jones

Subject: a little island of sanity in a sea of stupidity.

I am writing my first e-mail in the category of 'fan mail', which feels a little childish, but sometimes you have to say when you see something you like, not just whine about things you don't.

My family is nominally Catholic (which is to say that we dont go to church, but my dear mother prays for my soul) but I am a fairly devout athiest, which is something I will follow until there is compelling evidence otherwise. It is great to see that there is an avenue of religious discussion and debate, where there are considered responses to the writings of the fearful (a fair descriptor of the faithful). The only negative thing I can say about your hate-mail responses is that they are better articulated than my own defences of non-belief!
I am ex-military, and discovered that there are a lot of fundamental christians maintaining aircraft. Phrases like "Jesus wouldn't let me make a mistake that could cause a crash" are not things you want to hear when you have go on a 2,500km trip in a helicopter.

And facing someone who genuinly believes that dinosaurs are works of the devil, can sometimes make you feel like you've been taking crazy-pills.

Congrats on the site, and even more kudos for the 'super-chicks', they are the only compelling evidence for a male, all-powerful super creator I have seen!


p.s., as for the lack of pic, any stock photo of a bloke with a shaved head would be close enough!

What the fuck is your problem?

Subject: Hey!

I sent an email before with the generic 'why you do this' crap, but then I read your hatemail, you get a million of that question. I don't believe your answer though.
You see, I went through your whole site, piece by piece. You know what I learned, Bob?

You're just really lonely. Sure, you might have friends, maybe. But most of your stuff revolves around sex and girls. The kind you aren't getting perhaps?

So I can answer my own question. What the fuck is your problem? Simple.... You can't seem to find someone who thinks you're special. You're just pissed that everyone else who believes in jesus is happy and not lonely. Unlike you. Just how unhappy with life are you, Bob?

Chic Chirac

Jesus Christ. Am I that transparent? I have to admit, I get lost in my own ruse sometimes. I forget how miserable I am with my friends at the park in the springtime here in New York City. And this "living" I've invented for myself. Drawing pictures for people for money, selling Jesus magnets and having to deal with complaint after dreadful complaint about them.

I'm so jealous of people who have Jesus and his promise that the next life is one worth showing off about now! I WANNA SHOW OFF ABOUT SOMETHING INTANGIBLE AND YET TO OCCUR!!!

You're an extremely observant and joyous individual.
Please send me a photograph of yourself looking proud so I can post it with your email to me.

You're turning 40 soon with no stable income, even if you stopped shaving you're head you're still going bald, you have jowles, and you dress up as satan as if he were in a mariachi band. Sure you get girls. But seems like all you get are younger girls...

Well, I'm glad that you have so many happy thoughts. Friends, fame, spring, you have so much it makes me so glad you live in a delusion that makes you want to get up in the morning. I want to stitch these thoughts in a teddy bear for you to hold and help you sleep at night.

And Jesus dressup magnets probably are making a difference! Everyone who looks at them begins to question religion, society, and even their own conscious belief in the moral order!

What wonderful thoughts. You have no reason to be miserable, right?
Except for the fact that you're turning 40 soon with no stable income, even if you stopped shaving you're head you're still going bald, you have jowles, and you dress up as satan as if he were in a mariachi band. Sure you get girls. But seems like all you get are younger girls you can't trust (because they're irresponsible) and they probably just flirt bc it sounds like in your blogs you don't get any, and you never denied that you weren't getting any. and one day you're going to get murdered by some crazy fanatic bc you just donn't know when to knock it off. And then you'll go to Hell for all eternity. Is that really so much better?

Chic Chirac

You should've seen how I flaunted all of those things at my 20th class reunion last year. You woulda shit your pants.

The fact that it all gets you so crazy angry is frosting.

you don't want to admit that you're sad deep inside.

I'm not angry, I'm making a point. I think you don't want to admit that you're sad deep inside. You know, I know you're not going to listen but if you just open yourself up to the experience of Christ (without shutting off ur mind) that you'll feel fullfilled.
You could even keep the dressups, just not the Jesus one.
That's all I'm saying. Sorry if it offends you.

Chic Chirac

An hour later...

I was incredibly insulting to you personally, and said some awful things...

You know something? I think I understand now what you've been saying.
I was incredibly insulting to you personally, and said some awful things all because you have disdain for my religion. Every one of your hatemailers do. You're still an ass, but I see now that I wrong to attack like that.. You have my apologies.
So why do you answer angry emails if you don't listen to people, and just make fun of them?

Chic Chirac

This is Bob's mom. You're too late. He hung himself in the basement.

If you forward us your mailing address we'll gladly send you a funeral invitation.

You were his only friend.

Bob's mom.


Yikes, You scared me for a second! I didn't want to talk to your mom, and for a millisecond I thought that she replied. Good grief. Just out of curiousity, is she as weird as you are? does she support you?
Why do you always have to be so assonine in your replies? Were you bullied as a kid or something? Is that why you answer emails that insult you? cuz you're used to it? And since it's the internet and anonymous you can say whatever smart-assed thing you can think of? Jeez.
You still suck. It's like apologizing to a hamster.

Chic Chirac

You're right. You actually sound like a really cool guy whose suggestions deserved less asinine responses, as well as this BFF pen pal relationship you're so eagerly pursuing.

Christ. You'd think I was running an entertainment website and placed little to no value in the opinions of angry strangers who don't know me. I must really be off the deep end to not respect the thousands of anonymous complaints and pleadings I get from any simpleton who can switch on a computer.

I really want to do everything I can to nourish this relationship we've got so it can grow and blossom into something special. Something unique. Something beautiful. What's say we meet tomorrow at noon for a picnic lunch in Central Park?

Oh, but wait. We've never met. Ever. So just to be safe, how about you meet me there wearing a purple carnation behind your ear, neon blousey shorts, striped knee high stockings and wooden clogs painted yellow. Oh, and it might rain tomorrow so you might wanna bring one of those giant umbrellas you stick in the ground.

If I'm late just wait for me. I would never in a million years think of sabotaging this special relationship we've got here online, which is a very real place for special special friendships.


5 days later...

Listen up, Unnatural bob smut...

Subject: Your fans

Listen up, Unnatural bob smut..

Keep your monkeys off my back or I'll file a complaint of harrassment I've forwarded the hateful emails I've received from one of your groupies. Make sure that tramp doesn't bother me again or the both of you will suffer legal consequences. I've had enough of this.

Chic Chirac

Quite honestly, I'd be really curious to hear how your "filing a complaint for harassment" actually plays out. You see, I get similar letters from strangers, threatening me, yelling and name calling, even anticipating my own assassination and celebrating its definiteness.

I've got this one oddball who's written me some of the angriest, ugliest, most degrading letters you could imagine, and no matter how non threatening or self-deprecating I respond he continues with further threats and, what you refer to as "harassment." And you know what the best part is? HE started it! Some people are so backwards. Or is it us who're backwards for responding to those we don't want to hear back from? It's the unsolvable riddle I suppose.

So yeah, let me know how that all goes. Then, if you could, give me your lawyer's contact info. Boy, have I got some nutjobs I'd love to sue!
Thank you in advance.

2 weeks later...

I'm retracting my apology, and since I've been getting such nasty mail from your toys I'd like to add 'Fuck you and everything you stand for. Fuck your little dick, fuck your bald empty head, fuck your friends, fuck your whores and your pretend fame. FUCK YOU.

Okay, seriously, I'm tired of getting all your lackeys emailing me shit. This is ridiculous, I thought you'd have the decency to not sic your dogs on everyone who complains about your blasphemous bullshit.
I'm retracting my apology, and since I've been getting such nasty mail from your toys I'd like to add "Fuck you and everything you stand for. Fuck your little dick, fuck your bald empty head, fuck your friends, fuck your whores and your pretend fame. FUCK YOU."

Call off your dogs. Seriously.
Chic Chirac

Do you actually think I care whether or not you apologize, or if there's an apology pending, or retracted, or collecting interest, or whatever? I'm supposing you think all these things really matter to me because they're all things that really matter to you. If you get an email from someone you don't know saying, "You jerk! I hate you! You're dumb!" you get hurt and defensive and see no option but to defend your manhood to this... stranger... whom you never met.... on the internet.... because you can't just delete it, why?

Look, I'll tell you what. I couldn't care any less about your apology or which insults you retract and which ones you refuse to retract. To me it's all just a quirky Myspace dramedy playing out in your tiny brain. But since it bears so much significance to you I simply ask you to do for me 3 things and I'll "call off my dogs."
#1. Individually email back everyone who defended my honor an apology, and tell them they were right and you were wrong and Normal Bob does indeed have a large penis and gets girls. That last part is of key importance!
#2. De-retract your original apology to me so I can have that back in FULL with no more take-backs!
#3. Denounce the existence of Jesus Christ & God, then fully accept your deserved damnation to Hell and eternal pain forevermore due to the lack of a savior of any sort. Again, no take-backs.

That's all. 3 simple requests to make up for being stupid. So stupid that after reading my Hate Mail section you send me hate mail, then you're shocked when your hate mail is added to Hate Mail, and expect the favor of removing your hate mail from Hate Mail by sending me even more hate mail.


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All opinions, writings, illustrations & designs are that of Normal Bob Smith (C) 2000 - 2011
Email bob@normalbobsmith.com. Received emails may be displayed publicly.



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