Hate Mail

the Qwerty files
and a short story by Normal Bob

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Subject: Just some thoughts

Hi bob,
first of all i would like to say that i am not a christian or an atheist but simply a person trying to find out what is the truth in the world and also a person who doesn't like labels. I really liked your site and i love reading hate mail (epic giggles) but i thought that even though Christians are pretty much crazy Jesus was just a cool Jewish dude looking for some freedom, he didn't exactly start Christianity and so the dress up thing, to tell the truth, creep-ed me out a bit...
but any how.
My dad was actually the one who showed me your site and i really think that parts of it are really cool and fun to read.
keep up the stimulatin' work bob!

Jessi S.


Hey Jessi,
I'm thinking you haven't heard the whole story of Jesus if you think he was just a cool Jewish dude trying to get freedom for everyone. Uh, freedom for everyone except slaves (Jesus never once condemned slavery, and in fact even condoned their beatings by fully supporting the commands of his father, God. Matt 15:4-7).

The whole story of Jesus is pretty creepy if you actually read what Jesus did and went through, and taught others to do. I mean Jesus told people if they stood before a mountain (a literal towering mountain made of rocks) and prayed for it to rise from the ground and be cast into the sea it would happen. Matt 21:21 And anything short of that actually happening was the fault of the person praying for not believing enough. That's pretty creepy. "Cult-leader creepy" if you ask me.

Jesus regularly condemned people, even entire cities, to death (including women, children, cripples, pets, the elderly, etc). He made such condemnations for the simple act of doubting him. Matt 11:20 And commanded death unto children who curse their parents. Matt 15:4-7. And believe me, back then if Jesus commanded such things people acted on those commands, and he knew they would.

My god Jessi, you can't get much creepier than the description of Jesus in the book of Revelations, 19:13-15. "Jesus, whose clothes are dipped in blood, has a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth. Thus attired, he treads the winepress of the wrath of God." That's describing Jesus himself powering a winepress by walking atop it while it crushes people into juice.

And after all of this he was murdered on the cross, then rose from that death, went to his friends and showed them his battle scars, then put his hands down to his sides and shot into the sky like a rocket, through the clouds and all the way up to heaven where he sits to this day, King of the Universe.

If that's not a creepy story deserving of a little dressup game on the internet, I don't know what is.
But thank you for the compliments! Have you seen the Peepers of Union Square?
Bob


Yeah I did i thought they were really cool, i would be doing the same thing except for the fact that if i did that in my town... i would probably be lynched... 

thanks for the Jesus stories, made me laugh... and also shiver with fear. I never really read the bible all that much so these stories really gave me new and exciting information. If that is the Christians superman... I'm even more terrified of them then i was before!

Jessica

 


Hi Bob,

  I just read your story "Don't Worry Qwerty" and almost spewed my intestines through my nose from laughing so hard!  That was a perfect response to his absolutely insane, horseshit-filled logic that ducks did not evolve from whales so thus the Bible's account must be correct and it all sprang up magically like a summoned leprechaun!  I think the best part about this incredibly demeaning story is that it followed Qwerty's earlier babbling where he said  "Watch your mouth motherfucker . . . oh and by the way, life is like rainbow-colored crack that us Christians are constantly free-basing as we marvel at how perfect everything is and we'll just throw butterflies at those things that point to there being no creator like birth defects and leprosy and the extinction of 99% of all life that has ever existed . . . YAY!

  Ahhahaha!  When I think about the end of that story, I start laughing all over again!
  One of the best pwnages I have ever seen!  Nice one!

- Thormod Skald.

PS I included this as an add-on because I dont want to seem like I'm peddling my website but if you get a chance, come look at fafnirthedragon.com  I think the humor there will suit you!  Btw, if you publish this letter and feel it would be better to leave my website address out for the above mentioned reason then that's fine - this was supposed to be a high-five letter, not spam!   

“Hey atheist if you're so smart explain how ducks evolved from whales?”

Subject: atheist

Hey atheist if you're so smart explain how ducks evolved from whales? Not one fossil has been found that shows this supposed missing link between whales and ducks.

You just got served!
Qwerty Qwerty

Holy Shit! The answerless riddle that proves there's a god! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I just called The Post and they put me on hold.

Bob

“Just like the wind, we may not be able to see it -- but we can feel it, and we can see the effects...”

People believe because there IS proof . . . it may not be proof you want or are expecting - ie. actually seeing God with your own eyes . . .

BUT! You can see proof of God in his works that are all around us . . . The Earth we live on for example, all the millions of species of animals, insects and plant-life . . . all the wonderful picturesque and exotic locations . . . all the different varieties of foods we have . . . each season, beautiful in its different ways. The atmosphere around this planet is so perfect for us, giving us just the right amounts and ratios of essential gasses to sustain us and to keep the planet green and healthy
Us! There's a huge slice of proof pie right there, how perfectly our bodies work . . . how our senses give us joy in life - to smell taste touch hear and feel the world around us . . . And there's nothing more awe-inspiring than new life, a tiny little baby that has grown in its mothers womb for nine months and now has a perfectly working body all of its own - there's no way you could assume this was all random, no way all these things 'evolved' in such perfect harmony with each other ,, surely they were all designed and created to do the things they do with the purposes they have

Just like the wind, we may not be able to see it -- but we can feel it, and we can see the effects it has on our surroundings

Qwerty Qwerty

See, you're missing the point. If there were only beautiful, perfect, lovely things everywhere you might have something there. But there are also eye eating worm larva, monstrous baby deformations, ugly swamplands that choke away the pretty flowers, poop eating maggots, and a mice epidemic in Australia that you have to see to believe! Or better yet, type "blobfish" into Google images and then tell me how beautiful everything is all the time!. You just think everything's lovely and perfect all the time because that's what all the postcards show you.

And our bodies don't work perfectly. We have organs we don't use, and diseases we can't defend against. How many women have died during child birth? And if you ever are forced to piss out a calcium deposit you'll be immediately reminded how flawed our bodies actually are.

There are good things and bad things. Ugly things and pretty things. In fact, it's exactly how it'd be if there were no artist at all and it were left to exist on its own.

Your "proof" succeeds in proving any god ever invented, as well as a complete lack of gods too. That sorta negates its "proof" element, Einstein.

“do you think that all of this could have come around by accident???”

the Christian God is the one true God
people need to know about heaven!!!
thats where we'll spend eternity with God
there is tons of proof for God
just look at the world around us
do you think that all of this could have come around by accident???
just like a clock it has to have a maker...just like our earth God is the Creator
Jesus is not pretend
he was a real person
there are tons of documents about him that arent the bible
like Josephus
he wrote tons about the bible and Jesus
none of those are stories...they are History
 
You can't prove how the world was made so I guess it doesn't exist...
 
it's a good thing there is proof of my GOD....creation. Today is the day of salvation....accept jesus and live he is our only hope.

God loves you.....God bless
Qwerty Qwerty

Hooray! All that and powered sugar on top! And everybody who prays to Jesus gets their own pretty butterfly cloud up in the sky, where the pillows are stuffed with butterfly dreams and the breakfast cereals are sprinkled with butterfly wishes!!

My apologies. I didn't realize you were a 4 year old.
Have a nice day.
Bob

“if evolution was real, then we would have come from PLANTS”

Watch your mouth motherfucker.

Who else created this world?

evolution just doesn't make sense.

if evolution was real, then we would have come from PLANTS and plants work very very differntly than we do. They get food off of photosynitis and we eat. They dont even have blood! and dont tell me that it "evolved" because what could it evole from? all the animals out there-- yes, even the ape. Our intelligence level is really high, we have emotions, we make amazing things, we are very different! And if you deny this, you may just be lying to yourself. We are WAYY to complex to just come from...nothing. In the sum of it all there HAS to be a higher power, someone who created us. And if you look around, science proves it! Albert Einstien became more of a christian because he studied science, and figured out how everything worked.

I feel sorry for you. You will never know the truth for you are not willing to accept that it is truth. Oh and by not believng in god you have just opened a big can of worms for yourself in death.

If you have absolute proof that God is a fake, then you can keep your web site. Until then, neither you ( nor anyone else for that matter), really do not have a clue as to what the 'truth' is, do you?

are  you going to force your lack of religion down peoples throat?

Sounds like you are doing the very thing you blast Christians for doing. all for a bit of publicity and to sell some crappy fridge magnets.

Qwerty Qwerty
converse666@yahoo.co.uk

"DON'T WORRY, QWERTY"
A short story by Normal Bob Smith

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Qwerty Qwerty. "Qwerty" had a secret that made him more special, more important, and more entitled than most other people. And this secret made him the happiest boy in town. Qwerty's special secret was that he was best friends with the super wizard who made everything in the whole galaxy. Qwerty's best friend was named Bombo.

Bombo lived underneath Qwerty's baseball cap, and whenever Qwerty got scared of something, or needed a friend to talk to, or had a worry about one of the many toils of life, Bombo told Qwerty whatever he wanted to hear. This always made Qwerty feel all better.

Qwerty hated school work. He hated having to study to learn things, and book reading, and all that junk! Schoolwork definitely wasn't for Qwerty. So whenever Qwerty was supposed to learn something complicated, something that he'd have to read a long book for, or do lots of thinkin about, Bombo would peak his beak out from under Qwerty's cap and whisper answers to these problems into Qwerty's ear.

"Don't worry, Qwerty. You don't hafta learn all that junk! You know why? Because I gotta easier answer for ya! - 'Bombo made it that way!' Heh heh heh!"
It was a funny joke, but it was true too! Qwerty got answers for everything that way.

And so it began. From then on everything Qwerty didn't feel like learning, he just responded with "Bombo made it that way!" and stopped thinkin' about the long, complicated answers everyone else wasted their time reading about in textbooks. Qwerty was a lucky lucky boy to have the super wizard who made the galaxy living under his hat. A lucky boy indeed.

As Qwerty got older there were other things that made life complicated. Other things besides book learning. For instance Qwerty discovered that sometimes he was really really greedy and wanted things other people had! He wanted Sally's shiny new bicycle. And Jimmy's expensive iPod. And even the red Mustang that Hank's older brother drove around town. Qwerty saw lots and lots of things other people had that he wanted for himself.

But Qwerty had Bombo, and Bombo was there soon enough to ease Qwerty's jealous thoughts.
"Don't worry, Qwerty. Those people will never have all the presents and toys and riches you're going to have." Bombo whispered.
Qwerty listened so closely to all the things Bombo whispered. "Qwerty, where I come from, you can have anything! You can have a hundred Mustangs that go one thousand miles per hour! And the iPods where I come from never need recharging, and they're made from the purest gold! Where I come from you can have whatever you want. That place is called Magicland, and one day you'll get to come there with me! How do ya like that?"
Qwerty liked that very much.

Bombo knew just what to say every time. Qwerty looked forward very much to Magicland. Bombo promised Qwerty he and Bombo would both be KINGS of Magicland! Bombo was already king there, but Qwerty would be Second King! Qwerty had an exciting life in store for him when he would finally get there like Bombo promised he would. One that Jimmy, Sally and Hank's older brother would be so jealous of if they knew all the stories Bombo told. Qwerty was a happy, special, privileged young man. And so it was.

Then there was the weekend that Bombo revealed an amazing new secret to Qwerty. A secret that'd solve even more of Qwerty's worries. You see, Qwerty was at Jimmy's house and saw his amazing iPod sitting on Jimmy's bed. So you know what Qwerty did when Jimmy wasn't looking? He stuck it in his jacket pocket, then said to Jimmy "Hey, I gotta go! See you later!" And walked out Jimmy's front door with the iPod.

One thing Qwerty didn't expect immediately after that was an ugly feeling deep inside his gut. He tried not to think about the reaction Jimmy would have when he couldn't find his iPod anywhere. He shook his head and tried not to imagine how mad he'd be if someone took this iPod away from him now! Then, right on cue, Bombo peaked his beak out from under Qwerty's cap and whispered into his ear, "Don't worry, Qwerty. Just ask me and I'll take the blame. You don't have to worry about any of it, because it's my fault. Put it on me, and you enjoy your new iPod."

Bombo was the most amazing, special, and secret friend anyone could ever have.

 

Soon Qwerty became an adult. He hadn't learned many booksmarts, but that was alright. Bombo made that okay. He had Magicland-answers for most everything. And Qwerty did whatever he wanted to make himself feel good inside. Bombo made that okay too. And Qwerty never worried about the future because Bombo promised that'd be okay too. Better than okay. It was going to be perfect! Qwerty was pretty happy with how things were going under his hat. What a lucky lucky boy he was to be best friends with the super wizard of the galaxy.

Then, one day, years later, while Qwerty walked down the busy city sidewalk, he saw a crazy man in a green cap standing on the corner with a long beard and a giant cardboard sign draped over himself. The sign read: "THE END IS NEAR" in giant capital letters. The man was waving around a book in the air screaming at the top of his lungs things like "YOU WILL ALL DIE IN AN OCEAN OF FIRE!!" and "IF YOU DON'T BOW DOWN YOU WILL NOT SEE PARADISE! YOU WILL BURN! BURN! BURN!!"

Qwerty was shocked to see such a man! "He's crazy! He smells awful and looks like he's been standing on this corner for a long long time! What do ya think of that, Bombo?"
But Bombo didn't answer.

"Bombo!" Qwerty said, "Isn't this man crazy? Have you ever seen anyone so nuts in all your life?" Qwerty wiggled his hat, perplexed.
But Bombo still didn't respond with anything at all.

Qwerty, still watching this crazy man, said out loud so everyone on the street corner could hear "Bombo! I'm talking to you! Where are you? Aren't you listening to me?" At the exact same time the crazy man with the long beard took off his cap and looked into it.
"BOMBO! BOMBO! BOMBO!" Qwerty shouted!
Nothing. There was nothing at all in that cap. Qwerty felt the top of his bald head. Nothing at all. Then he looked up at the crazy man who was standing in a window. He too was holding a cap and scratching his bald head, staring back at Qwerty, confused, lost, and empty.

Qwerty put his cap back onto his head, straightened the sign he was wearing, took a deep breath, and pushed out the biggest crap into his pants he'd ever crapped. Then he heard someone whisper ever so quietly into his ear, "Don't worry, Qwerty. Where I come from crapping your pants is a compliment."
Qwerty smiled and laughed. It was a funny joke, but true too.


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