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My Christmas Blessings Neutralization & Containment Can

Their letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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Hey Bob.
This is Andrea, I live in a small town about 30 minutes away from Chicago. Okay, so I've been real curious with what's been going on in New York right now, so I looked up wall street protestors on youtube. And your account came up, and I just have to say I love everything! Seriously, i'm so jealous that i'm only 16 and I can't hurry and go out there! I feel like i'm missing out on everything great in the world, and by the time I'm 18 all the awesome people I see won't be there.

But anyways, I thought it was funny how you mentioned your mom and how she thinks you're going to ruin her heaven. I totally agree with living life to just enjoy things, and not so much be crazy, but to just be happy and not have to stress about religion. You see my family is all mormon and I do believe in my religion and I love it, but I also want to live without it. There are some things I do not agree with, and it's hard, because my mother gets so upset with me wanting to live my life any differently, because she says we won't be together then. Scares the shit outta me..life and death. I'm kinda struggling with what I want to do with my life, I feel like I'm meant to do so much but I dont strive enough. I want to be involved with the world.

I'm hoping you'll still be at wall street and I can meet everyone. I wonder what group I would be classified in, haha. Oh, and I also wanted to know how that skater guy, I think his name is Shaggy? Or maybe not, i'd have to check but the one you are always with. Well how does he, and everyone else afford to just go to wall street everyday and not have to work? Seriously! Hope you can get back to me! :)
Thanks.
Andrea


Hey Andrea,
I had those exact same feelings about wanting to get away from religion so I could be free and do what I want with my life. I also had those same feelings about NYC when I first visited here. Oh, and by the way, most of the "crazies" are shot at Union Square. Not Wall Street. I've been shooting Union Square folks for almost a decade. While the Zuccotti Park (Wall Street) footage is just this Fall. Nothing interesting was happening at Zuccotti before September 2011. You can bet I'll probably still be at Union Square by the time you visit. That is unless Free Hugs teams up with the Junkies, Fundies and the Peepers to run me out of town. Time will tell.

Doing what I wanted to do with my own life was the dream. I too felt totally limited and impaired by Christianity. I knew whatever I wanted to do wasn't going to fall in with the plans my parents, grandparents, pastors and everybody else in my life at that time wanted. But then I realized it's not their life. It's mine. And it's ME who's going to be stuck the choices I make. Not them. So I ran to New York and have luckily found myself here doing exactly what I want. Then you know what happened? Everyone just learned to deal with it. And the ones who couldn't deal went on with their own lives just fine without me.

Despite how it looks, Shaggy has a job. He's been working for like 13 years, full time, in the mailroom of Marie Claire magazine. He even got written up in the New York Times about it! l and everyone else affords hanging out in the park all day long because it's free, and there's a Taco Bell right around the corner.

My advice. Get the hell outta wherever you are as soon as you can and move to the city. You'll lose all that Mormon BS and start living your own life faster than you can sing "Wendell! Wendell! He's our man! He smells like a garbage can!"

Thanks for the letter Andrea.
Bob

“Please remember the reason for the season, the birth of THE Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

Bob,
Just wanted to send you good tidings here at Christmas. We wish you all the best here in Arkansas, and hope the upcoming year is a prosperous one for you. Please remember the reason for the season, the birth of THE Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He left heaven, came to earth as a mortal, and died for our sins, yours and mine alike.

One thing, to remember, he yearning for a relationship with you Bob, and he still stands at your door, you just have to open it. What a great gift………..eternal life.
 
All the best,
Shane Thompson

Hello Shane,
Luckily, this year I've found a way to shield myself from all these unwanted Christmas blessings associated with your baby-blood-sacrifice. With the power of Santa I can easily bypass your other worldly magical forces directed at me and funnel them into an old coffee can under my tree.

Many do not know that the original purpose of the Christmas tree is to act as a lightning rod for the immense surge of unwanted heavenly blessings accumulated during the holiday season.
A properly Santa-ornimented tree deactivates those other worldly blessings from the top of the tree down to the base where they're deposited into an equally decorated open coffee can. Then on December 26th, they're either disposed, or stored away. I like to save my blessings and over the coarse of the following months use the can for egg shells, leftover coffee grounds, toenail & fingernail clippings. It makes a wonderful compost for fertilizing plants come spring. You wouldn't believe what the addition of the baby-Christ blessings do for azaleas!

I've known many who've not had the unwanted-blessings-can below their tree and oh how their Christmases suffered for it. The joy that was supposed to be channeled through friends & relatives instead got watered down by the god-baby-love-ghost-filter. Their good deeds of Christmas love & giving were tainted by the "Dear Leader is always watching" threat. The promises of eternal fortune after their final Christmas excluded all who believed differently (including said loved ones!) thus staining eternal peace! This clever promise lures in the greedy with gifts, then blindsides 'em at the Pearly Gates with news that everybody else is burning right under their feet! Eternal heaven in peace? Sounds more like eternal heaven in pieces! Oh, SNAP!

You can rest assured Shane that I've got my can in place, and I just checked and your blessings are safely contained there. Thank you though. Your contribution will make my garden the prettiest on the block next year!

My advice? Get the can!
Merry Christmas.
Normal Bob

 

“I don't suppose dressing up Mohammed would be forthcoming as his followers would have your guts for garters.”

Suppose you had to dress up Jesus cos he has a love for you that is everlasting,I don't suppose dressing up Mohammed would be forthcoming as his followers would have your guts for garters.
Yes I am hurt/offended by your site.

David Taylor

What if I were to tell you that I also equally mocked Mohammed with a dress up page because he also has a love everlasting for me, and then requested your updated response regarding this new chain of events?

Bob

 

“how did jesus die...”

how did   jesus  diey  bob

Helen Kerfoot

Trick question. He didn't!

I'm so far ahead of the game I'm already at home watching it in reruns.

Bob

 

“is something wrong with you”

Ur website is sick, sick as in there is something wrong with you sick

Andrew Copley

So you don't mean it as if my website has the flu, or has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. You talking about me? Just trying to clarify your email better.

Bob

“I find it offensive, simple”

I find it offensive, simple

And ironically it's actually defensive. 

Bob

 

“What is wrong with you?”

What is wrong with you?

Gerry and Joel

I think it's just common courtesy for you to tell me what's wrong with you first.

I'll be waiting.
Bob

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Email bob@normalbobsmith.com. Received emails may be displayed publicly.

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