After almost 12 years I finally did it! Page 500 of hate mail is here! Lots has happened since then. Myspace came & went, making way for Facebook, Twitter & a plethera of new, more exciting ways to communicate. Email's taken a back seat to these more popular applications. But even still the hate mail maintains a somewhat steady pace. Just this week I've gotten a half a dozen, or more!
To the right you'll see I've taken a good amount of time to answer the accusations of a single hater, but it's an entire page of hate mail none the less. I hope it meets the expectations you've grown accustom to here. Plus, it's all true.
I'd like to think that no where else on the net has there been such a consistant flow of hate mail delivered to your doorstep, along with some sort of flippant response.
But that's not all I've been keeping busy here with during this mild winter in New York. As of this very minute brand new sets of Jesus magnets are being assembled in Hong Kong, and I can't wait until there're here!
Last week I approved samples of both the Lady Gaga Jesus Dressup magnets, and the new and improved Final Justice Jesus Dressup magnets! These are going to be the toy to beat in 2012, I predict! And if Jesus Dressup holds a special place in your heart in any way please come over to Facebook and join its Like page. It's an excellent way to keep up with "The most blasphemous product ever!"
I've also been passing the time drawing portraits of pretty people, in a collection I'm titling "Pretty."
It's my way of celebrating how important being gorgeous is, and my own shallowness. Lots more of these to come. For me drawing them is like eating candy. It's not only easy, it's a joy.
All this, and I still have a fan letter or two to share every now and again. This time from a Christian no less! Enjoy.
I believe she's the one on the right.
I'm Ollie, from London, England. I've recently become a Christian, and just stumbled upon your website.
It actually made me laugh quite a bit. All I wanted to say was, I really admire your courage. Don't listen to any of the hate mail, because no one is right to judge.
No one is really in a better position then you, not even me, who believes in Jesus. We're all just as low and sinful as each other. However, I cannot say that I agree with your website at all, but, I think your one of the bravest people I've ever seen in my life. How you can do these things and not be scared of anything really bewilders me!
|“I dont care what you believe or not believe cause the only person affected by that is you, so there is no need to get bent out of shape about what you write.”
Stumbled upon your site, maybe by accident or maybe by devine purpose. Anyway, i was wondering what it is that you are trying to do or is it that you want to make someone laugh? Either way, no matter the answer you put alot of work into your mission. It takes alot of time to think of these things and energy to post them. You even had some celebrity testimonials who have spent useless effort to support you! Wow congratulations. It takes almost nothing to do that these days.
Do you think Jesus is offended by you? I know him pretty well and I would think not. So you wear makeup and imitate satan? That guys a chump. He already lost, and you have decided thats the team to be on huh? You are amazing. Maybe you dont believe in him? Or Jesus? Well I dont believe its gonna rain but guess what it did. Does Science support you? Or do you support science? Textbooks are amazingly rewritten over and over again cause guess what... they come to realize they may have been wrong. New data supports new theory which supports new ideas. Youre ideas arent new so you cant claim them. Youre following others who have done what you are doing. This world is millions of years old and you have maybe 40 years under your belt if best?! I may be wrong but give or take 10+ or minus, not much of a difference. But you sure are intelligent! Whats even more astonishing is the way you present this intelligence. In this time now you are sure laughing cause you have managed to stir up a few, and giggle with the rest, but guess what you are not tougher than disease or sickness, pain or death which is coming for you and for us all.
When death knocks at your door can you giggle your way out? Or will you be exempt cause you supported Satan in His efforts? He will tear you from each limb and have the last laugh and there is nothing you can do about that. You may not believe in him but that doesnt stop him from believing in you. Same thing goes with God. Choose your side my friend cause you will. You are small compared to all that is around you and nothing in the eyes of eternity. 99 years at best is what you get, but eternity is endless. Whats in your thoughtless mind didnt mean anything according to yesterday, because that is gone, and it wont mean anything here as you are gone. But it makes all the difference where you are going.
If you think you will be wormfood without anything more thats great, but what a senseless existence we'd have if that were so. If we all thought that way what a useless life to live for, this place is a dump. I bet you know there is good that happens around you and you certainly know there is evil. The media has no problem expressing that. Guess what? This may be news for you...that comes from somewhere.! Things just dont go poof! and they magically appear. Just like your Jesus comics. They originated from somewhere, whether it was you or some other person. By the way, you came from somewhere too! God has a sense of humor.
I tell you what, I dont care what you believe or not believe cause the only person affected by that is you, so there is no need to get bent out of shape about what you write, but just know that as in science for every action there is reaction, for every cause there is effect, for every outcome there is reason. Those are the laws and no matter how much you run and excuse yourself, you are not exempt nor are you above. You are tiny and nothing compared to all that is around you, so nothing has to obey you, but you WILL obey something. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but the last laugh comes and NO ONE is exempt. You have posted a comic with satan to seek salvation... How funny. He doesnt want that! You are proof to that! Oh wait You are special...in a class all YOUR own. Even amoebas to their dissatisfaction must be classified as SOMETHING. shucks. There IS a Heaven, a place of rest, immense beauty and grace free from pain and death, where life is more than you can imagine, and there IS a Hell, a place of extreme torment and burning flesh, agony of ripping limbs and curtling screams, and as each hour passes you are swinging the pendulum in weight of one more than the other. This life my friend determines your next stop. Whether you think so or not, you have no say so.
You'd not believe how often I get emails like yours in my inbox. Emails astounded by what little amount of energy I put in what happens after I die. Emails from people who're positive they know who the god of the universe is, who the source of all evil is and what exactly happens in the hours following my last heartbeat. I'm not hesitant to tell you I'm bedazzled by these emails from regular human beings no different than you or me but they know that which it is impossible for us to know. No joke. I'm genuinely confounded by the presumptions made by people with no more ability to obtain afterlife information than me. Yet their emails persist. Then I had an idea.
The other morning when I was putting on my socks my toe popped right through a torn hole in one of them. I cursed, pulled it off my foot and threw it on the ground. In that moment that sock was the embodiment of all my frustrations, bad thoughts, turmoil and helplessness. All things evil and unholy emanated from that grey sweat sock. That's when it hit me. I looked around my room quickly, spotted an empty Coke bottle, and I took it and that sock and set them side by side on my windowsill. You see, the night before that Coke bottle made me quite happy. It refreshed me when I needed refreshment. It was good, and the sweat sock was evil, and from now on all things that happened that were good would be attributed to the Coke bottle, while everything bad was 100% fault of the sweat sock. I was on my way to relating with my emailers in a way I could not yet fathom.
Immediately after I assigned roles to these items my thought process altered drastically. Before I left the house to go grocery shopping I put my hand on the Coke bottle and hoped for its good luck, while glancing in the direction of the sock to give it an evil sneer. The beautiful sunny day was credited to the Coke bottle. Stepping in dog mess, clearly the work of my sweat sock.
In the days to follow my mind shifted in priorities. One morning my clock alarm didn't sound and I was late for an important appointment. I blamed the sweat sock. BUT a friend of mine who I hadn't heard from in years called me and we got lunch, and you can bet the Coke bottle got a pat on the back and a verbal "thank you" when I got home. All was right in the world. Life's mysteries were easily solved with this new system I'd thought up. Every morning before I left the house I'd praise the Coke bottle, polish it on my shirt and ask for lots of luck! While the sweat sock got nothing more than a dirty glare. Some days I'd even spit on it to curse its existence. "Stupid sock!" I'd hiss, "I'm not scared of you with Coke bottle on my side! I hope you rot."
I too wasn't going to let it get me bent out of shape. I had the answers to life's problems here on my windowsill. I was special indeed. And I had answers no one else had. No one could deny it.
Now you'd think, much like you explain in your letter to me, that all one must do from this point on is obey the Coke bottle's every desire, while cursing the sweat sock's evil. I'll admit there were days when I forgot to polish the Coke bottle on my shirt, then I'd stub my toe, or gas prices would rise, or Whitney Houston would die. Coke bottle did not like neglect. And when it was neglected sweat sock was allowed additional hexes. You're absolutely right – For every action there's a reaction. Cause and effect. You cannot outrun the powers of the Coke bottle. And no one is exempt. You can deny it's raining all you want, but that doesn't keep you from getting wet.
Then something occurred that I did not expect. Something inside that I would never imagine coming from within me.
A friend of mine who's a police officer came over to drop off some gardening tools I lent him, and we were going to grab a beer later on. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away while he was in the other room at the window. He said something to me that I could not hear. "What?" I asked, and he said it again. "Stupid Coke bottle. Why's there a stupid Coke bottle here next to an old sock?"
Now obviously I was upset by his statements, but I held it in and calmly replied, "The Coke bottle isn't stupid. Please apologize to me, and I think you should ask the Coke bottle for forgiveness, if you don't mind." Silently to myself I apologized for him, but clearly the Coke bottle needed to hear it from him. And it had to be sincere.
He looked at me very strangely, smirking. Looking back I can see clearly now that he was being influenced by the sweat sock's lies. I didn't know it then, but I understand now that this is how the sweat sock works to turn people against the Coke bottle. He said to me, "What are you talking about? This?" and he brushed his hand across the sill knocking the bottle to the floor. It smashed into a thousand pieces. It was a purposeful act of defiance, and his mockery was meant to hurt me.
The following moments are a blur to me. I remember seeing a butcher's knife in my hand as I rushed towards him. There were screams, several heavy thrusts of strength, then total silence. The next thing I knew I was looking over my friend's unrecognizable face and torso. There were stabby holes everywhere. Red was squirting out of his neck like a ketchup bottle being rhythmically squeezed. The sound of the utensil falling from my hand and clanking on my floor jarred me back to reality.
I'd killed a cop.
I was calm. I knew what I'd done was good. Despite the violence in my actions and the drama of blood all around, I was in the right. I felt no different than if I'd just given a 20 dollar bill to a homeless child, or walked an old lady across a busy intersection. But there was blood everywhere. A pool of it was spreading outwardly across my living room floor. Before I gathered myself together enough to rise to my feet I was an inch deep in this puddle of dark red gore. Looking up, there it was. The sweat sock. And it mocked me. As hard as I might try not to believe in its capabilities, there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"I am NOT on your team!" I screeched. I snatched it up and turned a high flame on my stove. "THE LAST LAUGH IS MINE! Your powers will never exceed those of the Coke bottle! NEVER EVER!"
I swear to you, I heard a crack of thunder outside as the sock went ablaze. I was still dripping with blood on my hands and legs as I sacrificed this symbol of all villainy in my kitchen that afternoon.
So much transpired that night. Mopping, extinguishing, dismembering, concealing, incinerating. I still gape in awe when I think about how much happened within those four walls of my apartment. But don't think me a fool. Good had not been destroyed. Not even close. That Coke bottle was merely a blessed symbol of good. Imagine how pointless life would be if the Coke bottle could be destroyed so easily! But the gravity of my friend's actions were no less vile because of it. He's not giggling now, is he? Did he think he could intimidate the Coke bottle? I assure you Jason, it was not affected in the least! I've witnessed first hand the powers of the Coke bottle. The only one affected was HIM and now he is spread out among 20 different dumpsters in 3 separate boroughs across New York City.
Luckily he was not on duty that day so his whereabouts never led back to me. I still thank the Coke bottle for all the good fortune it has bestowed upon me and I will forever curse sweat sock for the evil it brings upon the people of this world. No one is exempt or above the laws of the Coke bottle! Not even a police officer. Not even you, Jason. And in this I believe we relate more than you know. We share in the same battle, but you are fighting for the wrong team. Sweat sock is a chump, yet you do its bidding when you deny the power of the Coke bottle, and your actions determine your next stop whether you believe it or not.
I believe now we understand each other.
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