Hate Mail

2012, Page 501, & Beyond!

Their letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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So last week I was here at Think Coffee (just around the corner from Union) writing to my hate mailers, when wouldn't you know it, two Christian guys sat at the table next to me to discuss a plan for getting people back to their church.

They were directly next to me so I could hear almost everything they talked about. It seems what's been happening is they've been losing members to other churches, or so they're being told by the absentees.

This particular meeting between the two fellahs was specifically to discuss ways in which to get these people out of the church they've been attending and back to their church. The right church.

It didn't take me long to figure out the guy next to me was a pastor, and his friend was a dependable, trusted volunteer.

The pastor told him to call these folks and invite them out to brunch.
"Don't mention anything about church, or ask where they've been. Just invite them to a friendly outing. Say 'I haven't seen you in a while! We should get brunch!' I need you to get them one on one."

It was so intriguing. I couldn't help but listen in. Have no doubt however that I stopped everything I was working on so I wouldn't miss a word.

At one point the pastor said "I know it sounds weird that we're, like, trying to get them away from another church, like we're competing, but.. you know."
That was all they needed as a reason. "But, you know."
Good enough for me.

Anyhow, the pastor continued, "So have you talked to Tim or Sarah lately?"
"I talked to Sarah, and she said she hasn't been around because she's been going to another church up nearer to her home."

I really enjoyed seeing the grief on the pastor's face that Sarah had found another place besides his church to praise The Lord. But I enjoyed even more listening in on the pastor's detailed plan to lure these church-ditchers back.

The guy he was telling what to do seemed a little reluctant, but it was clear he had no ability at all to refuse his pastor.
"Inviting them to brunch is good because it's non-threatening. Everyone around here is always eager to brunch."
He's right about that.

Anyhow, he continued, "Once you get her there, I want you to talk her into coming this Sunday. And it's got to be right away. Not a week from now. This weekend. Otherwise they don't show up."

"Just one Worship. Don't say anything about wanting them to commit to the church. Don't mention anything beyond this weekend. I can take it from there and find out why they left, what we need to do to make things better for them, get their ideas for ways they'd like Worship to go" etc etc.

There was something so devious happening while both pretended it was nothing of the sort.

Writing this now it's obvious to me the people they were calling were lying.
Your pastor, or one of his cronies calls you asking "Where've you been? We haven't seen you at Worship the last few Sundays! What's up?"
You think Sarah's going to say "Oh, I realized church totally sucks so I stopped coming"?
No. Sarah's going to say, "Oh! Hey Ryan. Yeah, I'm going to a church up closer to where I live now. Good to hear from you. I have to go now. I'm in the middle of... a prayer group. Yeah. Prayer group."
There'd be no fucking shaking these two if it were even hinted that she'd fallen away from the lord, or no longer cared as much.

These guys are the type who wouldn't suspect for a second that Sarah and the rest might be lying. So they scheduled this meeting here to figure out a way trick these people into coming back. And it was utterly fascinating.

Anyhow, that's the juiciest of everything I listened in on. They went on a little after that. The pastor asking his buddy how they could make "Worship" more fun. Neither of coming up with anything much better than "more music and singing."

It turned out to be the perfect inspiration I needed for answering all the hate mail for this page. I think it shows.

“You delusional fool.”

You shouldn't criticize and joke about someone's beliefs, show some respect. Let them believe in whatever they choose. God is no more ridiculous than thinking that the planet and life was made from clouds of gasses and dust. 

The Earth is 6,000 years old and Adam & Eve really existed. You think Evolution is a fact when it's just a theory, there's no way you would know what happened neither of us lived back then. You stick to your theory and I'll stick to mine. You delusional fool.

Diane Abbott

What if someone's beliefs are hurtful to others? It seems to be discussing it, and even criticizing one another is exactly what we should be doing in regards to our beliefs.

I'm afraid I don't understand where you're coming from at all. Like, let's say someone else believes women must cover themselves from head to toe with only a slit where their eyes show through, or be damned to hell forever. Criticizing that belief in a discussion seems perfectly fine, especially if their belief leads them to hurt women who refuse to do it.

I can't imagine meeting someone whose beliefs hurt others and not interjecting my critique, if not just for the sake of the people they hurt.

Let me know if you agree, or if you still think there should be no criticizing of beliefs still. This is an important discussion to be having, and I think I'm right.

“Are you fucking drunk?”

Are you fucking drunk? You make no sense. Beliefs shouldn't be criticised unless they hurt people, the Muslim women you describe want to wear those things, what's it got to do with you? Christianity doesn't hurt anyone these days. 

Diane Abbott

Ahhhh, well that's where you're mistaken. I understand you might think it hurts no one since you're so deeply entrenched you cannot see how it effects others. But I assure you Christianity does in fact hurt those who are both in and out of the belief.

For instance, the belief that anyone outside of Christianity is lost, a slave to Satan, sick or damned to hell has a great impact on those around you and the way in which you treat them. I know many instances where Christians have hurt others based on these false assumptions. It's a very bad thing for your religion to lay these titles on others.

Also, to believe that the end of the world is a good thing because that's when your Jesus will return, that most certainly has the potential to hurt others. Imagine how non believers see your anticipation of the end of the world. When we see you looking forward to Jesus' return we see a group no different than a death cult ready to welcome in an apocalypse. This is indeed a hurtful wish Christians have for all mankind. The hurt it could inflict is unimaginable.

And what about the Christian feelings towards women, gays, atheists, and a great many other groups you look down upon? Do you think people aren't hurt by that?

I'd argue that Christians, with their priority to God, Jesus & the Bible over everything else puts everyone at great risk! In my opinion people should come first, not gods or books. Let me ask you this. If your god asked you to commit harm to someone else, would you do it?

Many also argue that believing things on faith as opposed to evidence hurts others. Children have died having parents who put faith their god over taking their child to the emergency room.

Not all Muslim women want to do what they're commanded to do by men. They face a death sentence if they complain, or act out. Do you think that all the women approve of their daughters being stoned to death for having sex before marriage? Please Diane. Are you drunk?

And what's my penalty for not believing? Eternal punishment in the pits of hell? Do you think that hurts anyone?

If you think your religion doesn't hurt anyone then you're no different than an ostrich with your head in the sand, and that's a stupid looking thing.

“Would you walk into a church and tell my grandfather that he should not go to church?
...if it comforts him then fuck you.”

Your average Christian or Muslim does not believe that the end of the world is a good thing. Stop watching fox news. If it comforts them then as long as they're not hurting anyone it's fine. Would you walk into a church and tell my grandfather that he should not go to church? He only started going once his son died (my father). Do if it comforts him then fuck you. 

Diane Abbott

I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear about your positive Christian perspective. I know that being a Christian who proclaims Jesus's Return as NOT a good thing is a brave, unique stance. Where most others raise up their arms to welcome the Second Coming, here you stand against it. I'm proud of you. You are a true humanitarian. Please Diane, I cannot stress enough how important it is that you spread this anti-Return sentiment to your peers. The rest of us depend on you for our survival. God bless your individuality.

There can be no arguing in the face of your parading of dead relatives. I must simply concede. Comfort is indeed the most important factor in all life. Above health, or sanity. Above truth itself! Comfort should never be withheld no matter the cost. Reality be damned! For it is through coddling, baby talk, and shameless spoon-fed comforting that we grow and mature to become healthy, functional adults.

You've countered my list of harms point by point. Simply put: "Grandpa depends on it. End of discussion."
With that, obviously God is real. Thank you for clearing that up. I stand corrected.


This correspondence continued on the following page...


“What kind of a sick man are you?”

This site of Jesus dress up is vulgar and it needs too get deleted. What kind of a sick man are you? Jesus died for your sins. So you can have eternal life. What is wrong with you?


Had you thought maybe your guy Jesus is on his way out? I Mean, he was a knight in shining armor for the generations who could easily box themselves into self-gratifying communities with no new ideas, and complete isolation from a world of different beliefs. But now you've got the internet to contend with. Your kid isn't limited to only getting answers from mom, dad, the sunday schoolteacher or the mailman. Now they go to Google, type in "other beliefs besides Christianity" or "what religion would I be if I grew up in Tibet?" and the walls come crumbling down.

If you're finding yourself staring into the mirror wondering what the hell's going on, this is what it looks like when religions start turning into myths. The frustration you feel has been felt over and over again by millions before you who've lost their gods by thinking too much. Entire societies switching from one belief to the next. From Ra to Zeus. Zeus to Jesus. Jesus to reality.

The neighborhood's changing Christina. It's time you caught up to the rest and let your frontal lobe fully blossom. Your Jesus will soon be standing between Horus & Kali in the Encyclopedia of Mythology, and you'll be that woman at the park in a sandwich board yelling at people for ignoring you too much.


“If He isn't that real why would you do that on Your website for all too see hmmm? Answer the question!”

sir you got this all wrong. Our Lord And Savior Will always be Lord. And He is real. I'm not that type of a woman that would stand there and yell at everyone for ignoring me. Actually I'd be helping out people that need help. Maybe you shouldnt judge me.  You are not my judge.  your just a man that God created. He loves You ovbiously. And I will continually pray for Your spirit. And yes this neighborhood is changing. Only by evil. This world is corrupt and very evil. And I hope one day You come too reliaze .

And sir with kind thoughts my son is only a year and a half how could he possibly use Google?  Jesus is the Answer.  As for me and my house We shall serve the Lord. And I got mad because people always represent Him in a form that's messed up and vulgar. And He already is in the Media. But Bob with the truth He is Real. You are far from Him.

And really??? If He isn't that real why would you do that on Your website for all too see hmmm? Answer the question! You bored? Look-in for something better too do with your life? Jesus loves you and He will forgive you! All you have too do is ask. you will be brought too Him No matter what He has too go through too get you in the fold. He died for your sins and washes your sins away what more do you want? He was mocked spit upon betrayed for your sake. So your fate don't have too be the other place. Which is Hell and you better believe it. ;) I really hope you didn't get offended by this letter. I just care enough too share it. I really hope that you turn your life around and get your life together with him fast. The world is gonna be ending soon whether you know it or not.
Blessings too You.

and if you have questions about Salvation or anything else for that matter just ask me. Thank you kindly for your time.

Believe me, Christina, my choice of Jesus over all others was based on celebrity. The level of Jesus's fame is so great I hoped to be able to quit my day job and make a living off the magnet version of Jesus Dressup. It's got nothing to do with how real I pretend he's not or how threatened I am by his true existence. It had everything to do with self-employment and staying in the black.

For instance, I tried doing one of the Prophet Mohammed and no one really responded to it. I got a couple vague emails expressing some interest, but there was no customer base in wait I could depend upon. Jesus however is sure gold! And I bet right. Twelve years later and the magnets are still hot on the shelves. People walk into the stores and go nuts for them! I literally just got a phone call while writing this from a store who just found me on the web wanting to know how to order wholesale. Thank you, Jesus.

Now I know what you're saying. You're thinking, If it's just about how famous he is then why not instead do Michael Jackson, or Spongebob, or a Rollen Stewart dressup?" Because, Christina, those celebs sue. Just like I can't take a whole bunch of Madonna pictures off the internet and make a "2012 Madonna Calendar" and sell it at Barnes & Noble, the same goes for fridge magnets. There'd be lawyers on me so fast for trademark violations I'd be sunk. But Jesus, he's fair game. You see, since he's not real he has no lawyers who can sue me. It's just that simple.

Anyhow, I hope this eases your concern about why I'm doing what I do. I'm guessing you're pretty relieved it's for the right reasons (food on the table) and as far away as possible from the wrong reasons (denial of Jesus's love).

Thank you for your letter.







Yeah, but I've yet to meet one Christian who doesn't change their whole tune the second they hear about someone better offering a happier heaven & sadder hell. I get these emails all the time, and the mere mention of a god who can bench press a little bit more makes you take back everything and reword it for someone else.

Your god strikes people blind for not believing? How about this? I know a deity who'll not only make you go blind but he'll replace your eyes with burning hot meatballs fresh from a hot plate of spaghetti! I've got your attention now, huh? Not only that but this new god will write you a cashier's check for $100,000 right now, including eternal paradise in the grave if you change your mind right now! Plus if you refuse you get the meatball-eyes thing.
Now let me guess. You're want his name, don't you? Haha... so predictable.

See, how can I take you seriously when you're ready to change sides that easily? It's pathetic if you ask me. It's like you're giving a handjob to one guy while your other hand is busy paging through god-resumes.

Miles, I'll tell you what. I'll give you the name of the better god for twenty bucks. Offer's good 'til Friday, but after that it jumps to $50! What've you got to lose? You're gonna get $100,000 right afterwards. You'd be an idiot to pass it up, Miles.

Don't be embarrassed. I've had dozens of other people before you racing to an ATM for precisely the same reason. You're no different.
I look forward to your reply.

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