Hate Mail

What if I were Muslim?
How would I feel then?

Their letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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Subject: After Death

First off let me say i've been a big fan of ur site for over 5 years.

But when you say to these religious cunts that they don't know what happens after death anymore than you do seems strange.

Death is sleep without the dreams. Death is the way it was before we were even a sperm. Death is (for example) how we personally remember 1542, we don't. We have this brief spark of coinsienceness

Sent from my iPhone

Hey there,
So where do I start with this response? Oh, I know. Let me put it this way: I've started smoking weed.

With this weed smoking my inner philosophical debates have expanded in scope beyond what you or I, with our normal brains, can comprehend. During one of these pot-lectures that my brain was sitting in on I recently came up with this: Much like Zeno's Paradox, each of our personal deaths is something that consciously is never reached. The finish line is the complete obliteration of all consciousness, yet the only way to experience anything is to be conscious in some way or another. This said, the closest experience that our "no-afterlife" atheist consciousness will witness is the millisecond before all consciousness ends. My feeling on this while I was really really high was that it's entirely possible in whatever way someone might die, whether being burned at the stake, or a heart attack during sex, the distance between you and the finish line only gets reduced by 50% infinitely, thus that is your eternal afterlife experience. I call this hypothesis: "Zeno's Shitty Joke."

So that's kinda where I'm coming from when I respond to a hate mailer in that manner.

And that's just ONE alternative to your eternal-sleep-like-before-you're-born option! I have a bag of mushrooms in my freezer I'm saving for later this winter, so I'll have another example to share with you then.

Normal Bob

“Let's say you were a f@#%*!g muslim, what about if I put up a website where I degrade that allah or mahomet... Would you like to see that...?”

Hi "Mr. Bob Smith" (if that is indeed your real name),
If you thought that dressing up like Satan and selling T-shirts, magnets and gadgets with this highly controversial theme would make you stand out of the crowd, you've succeeded. Too bad for yourself that we live in an age in which we should all be "politically correct"  yet there are websites like yours that are really distasteful and highly offensive to ALL christians.

I don't know what religion you are (if you have one), and I don't care, what I want to tell you is that your webpage is outrageously disgusting, distasteful, and offensive to millions of people in the world (not only in America)!
Let's say you were a f@#%*!g muslim, what about if I put up a website where I degrade that allah or mahomet of yours, like you do on your website? Would you like to see that there is a popular website with your religious leader ridiculed in such a way?
I don't think so, and if you would like it, it would show to all how sick and perverted you are.
You will do all of us a favor if you take down this website and stop your hate-spree.

I am positively ashamed that on this great thing called earth there are beings like you that instill anger, hate and extremely negative things in otherwise good and really normal people that are all geared toward yourself and guys like you! Are you some kind of sadomasochist?
There is no space for you and the likes of you on this earth!
Do yourself a favor, take the bloody f@#%*!g website down, and NEVER write or post anything like this again!

Marco Francesco Mario Guandalini

Imagine if I were a Muslim? That's your retort? Had you thought maybe you deserve to have your god mocked if it's led you to a place where you're defending him by asking hecklers to imagine what it's like? I think I used that same argument on my older brother while he made me hit myself in the head with my own hand.
I'd scream at him, "Imagine if my head were a pot of gold! Ouch! And every time you made me hit it, Ouch! some gold fell out and was lost forever! Ouch, god-dangit!! Would you like that?!?!"

Marco Francesco Mario Guandalini, I regret to inform you that my line of protest had the complete opposite effect on my brother. And if I were in your shoes right now, I'd start thinking that perhaps I hadn't been properly suited up for the show of life, and maybe, unconsciously I was leaving myself an open target to further ridicule in the not so distant future, and my fumbles were being recorded for future generations to giggle and titter to.

Imagine this, Marco. Imagine you were instead a thinking, rational adult with the ability to visualize himself in someone else's shoes trying to understand how one could believe in magical gods who coincidentally lorded over the religion he was accidentally born into. Imagine having inner-arguments with yourself this complicated and working it out in your head before it ever got typed into an email and the "Send Message" button clicked.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, Marco, I am the teasing big brother in the analogy, and you and Jesus are the stinky, turd-bottomed little brothers trapped in the garbage can that I sit atop. I'm making you hit yourselves with your own hands while I ignore your pleas for mercy and scoff your attempts to instill guilt. Why do I do these things, you ask? Easy. Because I love you, Marco.

Just kidding.
It's because it's hilarious and makes me feel like a big man.
Thanks for the email. I hope to hear back.
Normal Bob

Marco blocked me from emailing him back, and his Facebook page is private,
so my response was never received by him.


“Allah God will purnish u”

Insha Allah God will purnish u stupid man
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN


Yes, Allah is a very big and powerful brute. I am well impressed by his might.

Please pass that on. I know my flattery of the magic powers he has in the spiritual realm mean a lot to him.

Normal Bob


“I used to basically be an atheist.”

Subject: Offensive material

Dear Normal Bob Smith,
Many of the things that you have posted on your websites are spiritually offensive.  The Halloween Jesus Dress Up! makes Jesus a joke (the first thing I saw of yours). Then I realized that you have a lot of offensive material against God, religions, and spiritually.  I request that you remove all of the religiously and spiritually offensive material from all of your websites, stop selling religiously and spiritually offensive material, and apologize for doing all of this.

I used to basically be an atheist.  But, I did not go around selling anti-spiritual and religious products and putting down good religious and spiritual people (I admit, I may have done so at some point in the past, which I now regret).  There is a difference between a good debate and offensive material.

Thank you,
Andrew Pankow

Oh, that's sweet. You were offended, therefore it needs to be gone. That which offends you must be removed from public viewing. It really is adorable that you think emailing your personal complaints about stuff on the internet is still a thing someone does. There's just too much stuff on the internet, huh? Some of it needs to go.

"Basically an atheist?" What's that? You sorta didn't believe in any gods except for one, and for that one you had a stretch you stopped believing out of spite? That's what I've come to understand most believers tout as "once being atheist." – As a teen, God was something included in with your rebellion against the parents, or whatever authority figures you had to rebel against at the time, so that's the time you were atheist. Basically.

How about this? I'm offended that you believe your wrongs can be taken on by an innocent, and the handoff of your mistakes to him relieves you of them, all available at your convenience? I request that you remove that from something you ever voice publicly. I find it offensive.
There. Let the war of the arms-folded-frowny-faced offended begin!

We are all made of stars.
Normal Bob

“I do not believe that.”

I did not used to believe in God.  Although surrender to God is good, I am not really sure what you mean by "I'm offended that you believe your wrongs can be taken on by an innocent."  If you are saying that my wrongs can be put on the innocent, I do not believe that.

Thank you,
Andrew Pankow

Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. I assumed that you believed Jesus (an innocent) saved you from your sins and such. Sometimes I jump the gun on responses because the complaints have a standard protocol. My mistake.

Please tell me more about your beliefs so I can find something to be offended by in them.
Thank you.
Normal Bob


“Delete the site”

Subject: Dude this is bad news.

Delete the site for your own inner peace.

Alex Green

No thank you. If I had any more inner peace than I've already got I'd be dead.

Normal Bob

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