best move that I ever made in my entire life was moving out of the
suburbs to the big city. No, I'm not talking about the move from
my parent's home in placid Lakewood Colorado to Denver Colorado.
I'm talking about when I finally got fed up with Colorado, packed
up everything and ran to Chicago.
didn't know what exactly I was in for but I knew that things were
going to change, and that could only mean good. In fact, let me
show you precisely what was on my mind by sharing with you a page
from the journal I was keeping at that time.
I will be interjecting facts in red.
17th, 1993, Fri.
I'm moving to Chicago.
called me last week, waking me from a dream. I was
dreaming that Chris (other
brother), Rick, dad and I were loading up a
U-haul for me to move away in.
So Rick wakes me from this dream to tell me that him and Cory
are moving to Chicago soon so I should plan. And I am. I'll
be leaving in February.
be transferred. I'll be using my vacation time for the move,
possibly three weeks of it if I don't go to another CPI Photo
Finish ('cause then I'd just lose all the vacation time).
is almost here. I worked ten hours today and I'll be working
most of the time everyone's here visiting (that's good). No
more Reka's dirty looks (Girl
I was "dating" at the time. Insert smiley face drawing
as I record all of the Twin Peaks episodes (Bravo
was repeating the episodes without commercials at the time)
I'll be set to move. I need luck. Let it be waiting
was a virgin in so many ways. I was ignorant of so many things.
TV was important enough to hold up my move!
was ignorant of other styles, beliefs, races and sexual orientations.
I'd never seen 2 men holding hands, a black person sitting next
to me on the train, a city that stayed open after 10pm or so many
attractive people everywhere. It was not because I didn't care or
chose to be that way. There was simply no diversity in the Mile
As I draw
nearer to the end of this book (the
journal I'm writing in) I also come closer to the day
I leave Denver (coincidentally, the last book ended at my
move from mom & dad's).
have been consisting of driving on a road (be it car, motorcycle
or bicycle), good-byes and chaos. Last night I was hanging
off a cliff with my bike wrapped around my ankles over that
grassy hilly area described in another dream. I've also been
having nightmares of gangbanger, bad neighborhoods and guns.
I'm gonna miss here. Familiarity, Ralph (friend)
security of work... not much else.
lot's of luck!
LA riots were still pretty fresh in my head. It was what I feared
most about the big city.
it's my turn to escape this godforsaken city/state. Eat my
dust Paige Doub! (someone that I apparently
didn't care for from high school)
one more week of CPI.
big earthquake has torn apart LA.
Wisconsin a virgin, and now I'll leave Colorado a virgin.
is almost completely gone.
is quite long, down to my shoulders.
Jackson is a freak.
except for this cold.
I couldn't have been more prime for change.
was in for so many "firsts" and my life would never be
I could give only one piece of advice it'd be to move out of the
security of the suburbs to the city... and do it now!
is good for one to know why they believe."
I just believe.
God exists. I believe in good and evil. I believe God is the
good and Satan is the evil. Sometimes I doubt, I too wonder
why I believe, but then I remind myself that If I am wrong
about everything what do l lose by serving God? God gives
me the ability to love, the will to do good, something to
live for, and an explanation for creation. These are wonderful
things and they bring me joy. I lose nothing by believing
and I gain everything. You too can have all this if you want
it. But if you decide that you don't, do not insult Jesus,
a man that so many people love.
Even if you don't
believe in any God I am sure you have heard of respect? Many
thanks. I am glad you asked my why I believe. It is good for
one to know why they believe.
Kristy, when I
lived through God, trusted in God and depended in God, I lost
myself. It is no different than what you lose living through
anybody. You lose your individuality, your confidence and
valuable social skills. These are things that can not be faked
when you can't think for yourself.
A majority of Christians
base their beliefs on the "what-do-I-got-to-lose" philosophy.
It seems like a catch free safety net, but what happens is
as follows: First, things start to contradict themselves,
so you get into a pattern of either ignoring the contradictions
or reasoning them out in your head somehow. Next, you'll find
yourself at a dinner party with other people who are making
up their own Bible-solutions. This exchange of ideas will
make you ponder the sanity of the dinner guests which will
then lead you to realize that you are no different and that
perhaps this way of thinking is a common human trait that
we all share.
Soon after this
you'll begin seeing the Bible in a whole different light.
It will look less like a history book and more like human
behavior trying to dream up solutions. It is at this point
that you'll tell yourself maybe God has nothing to do with
any "Bible", and Heaven doesn't need a religion to be true
(or something of this nature). Hopefully, here at this particular
juncture you will have learned from past experiences and reality
will win out over fantasy.
This process took
me 15 years to work through. During that time I lacked confidence,
free thought, true respect for life, an ability to find happiness
and those valuable social skills I'd mentioned earlier.
My advice to you
is that you search out real reasons to believe what you do
and don't settle for "I just do". At the very least you'll
be invited to better dinner parties.
" Thank you
for challenging what I believe."
Hello, Bob. Thank
you for challenging what I believe. You're right, the what-
have- I- got- to- lose theory is a not very good one. It is
not what holds my faith together. I really don't know what
holds it together. I was born in a Christian family and I
was taught that the Bible was true and God was true. Unfortunately
I think that is what holds my faith together. I wonder if
I would still be a Christian if I was left to figure things
out for myself. You're also right that heaven doesn't need
religion to exist. Neither does God. God really doesn't need
anything to exist. I too realize we as Christians think in
circles. I believe in God because I believe in the Bible and
I believe in the Bible because I believe in God. But I pray
to God and I know he's there. I need Him to be there. I need
a reason to live my life. I need a reason to put others before
myself. Self sacrifice and loving your enemy is not in the
natural human behavior.
You say you have
worked through all this in 15 years. What have you found in
your 15 years? Have you found answers to all the "big questions."
Do you believe in heaven but not in God? Do you believe in
hell but not in Satan. Or do you believe that there is a god,
but not the same God in the Bible? What happens after death
and why are we alive and how did we come to be? I believe
in God because I have yet to hear a better answer. Tell me
what you have learned to be true and why.
I have found many
answers Kristy. I no longer believe in Heaven, God, the Bible,
or Satan. None of them fit in with what was happening in real
life... my life. The coincidence that I was luckily born into
the right religion started to gnaw at my brain. My search
led me to atheism.
Visit my main page
and see for yourself.
Any answers you
don't find there I'll be more than happy to address.
before the return of our Lord and Savior you will realize
I pray for you
soul. Hopefully before the return of our Lord and Savior you
will realize your problems. I would hate to see anyone burn
for eternity because as of right now that is where you are
heading. I pray that you will realize you are sooo wrong and
will turn your site into a site that glorifies our Lord.
I will be praying
So this is the
sense you're presently functioning on. The god of space and
time one day descending to Earth to burn the souls of all
who don't pray to Him... and He'd prefer it if my web site
held a different viewpoint. Oh yeah, and the subject or your
email to me was "CRAZY".
These are the dinner
parties I was talking about Kristy.
"God... will throw those who do
not accept him into the pits of hell. he wants for NO
ONE to spend eternity this way."
Our Lord and Savior
as you say "the God of heaven and earth, time and space",
will throw those who do not accept him into the pits of hell.
he wants for NO ONE to spend eternity this way, nor do I.
He came and died for all of our sins, including yours.
I will still be
praying for you....................
Hoping to see you
So is God crying
as He throws our souls into Hell? Or are we just a number
at that point and His angel-grunts do the dirty work?
I've got many unanswered questions 'chelle. Answer them so
that I might understand.
like a farmer who finds weeds in his wheat farm...."
God is disappointed
in us when we don't follow him. He sent his one and only son
to die for us. Could you let your son or daughter die for
anyone else? Could you make that big of a sacrifice? I honestly
don't know if I could. That is how much he loves us. But he
also gives us free will. He could, but won't, make him follow
his ways "the right way". So I guess in a way you could say
he will be crying as he has to banish all "unclean" spirits
into hell, because even as we are sinners he still loves us.
He says that he will take up the "clean/righteous" and leave
the "unclean" to Satan.
Kinda like a farmer
who finds weeds in his wheat farm. He doesn't go out and pull
all the weeds, it would of course get mixed up with the wheat
and he would loose his crop, but when it is season and the
wheat is done growing, he sorts out the good from the bad,
just as our heavenly father will do.
God Bless You and
I will still be keeping you in my prayers.
I simply cannot
bring myself to praise and worship the "farmer" that despises
it's "weeds". That farmer who does everything in his power
to prevent and destroy the growth of his weeds is NOT the
god for me! I want to be where "weeds" are valued and loved
(not hated and killed).
I don't know how
you can bring yourself to love the one who sprays poison to
rid his precious fields of you.
"We are the weeds.
We love life."
Jarvis Cocker, 2001