Posted September 13, 2000

The Christians Shoot Back

Since the site hit the web I have received many emails from folks who do not care for my taste of humor. These letters were fun to read and even more entertaining to respond to.

All of the Christian emails will be in blue and my replies will be in black and white . Enjoy!

Did you know
that if you choose to be anything other than a Christian you'll suffer eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell? It's true. It does not matter how good you are or how many orphans you've fed, if you are not a Christian you will not go to heaven! It's written in the Christian bible somewhere!

So I've compiled a surprising list of those who are melting in Satan's lava well.

Every Pope is / was Catholic! Unfortunately Catholics all go to hell.

Yes it's true, Walt Disney was not a Christian, he was an atheist. That means he's strung up-side-down with his head in a bucket of dung beetles forever.

Another Catholic, Mother Teresa is boiling with the rest in the devil's dinner.
(For more on the reasons why Catholics are going to Hell I suggest skipping ahead to page 43 of Hate Mail)

Sorry folks, John Merrick the Elephant Man was not a Christian and he had to go to hell. God can be such a pisser sometimes.

No, it can't be! Yes it's true. Gandhi was not a Christian, he was a Hindu. God doesn't care, and now he must pay!

No, not Screamin Jay Hawkins! Sorry folks, Screamin' Jay had no religious beliefs, thus another burning cinder in hell's oven.

And did you know

that everyone who died before Christ died went to hell? (This is all merely speculation on my part.) This includes Mary's parents and their parents and so on!

This goes all the way back to Adam and Eve and their kids! It's all really astounding if you think about it. I'm guessing that anyone who died while Jesus lived went to hell as well. If there is any Christian out there who can explain to me what happens in this scenario I am keen for answers.

Now there is one loophole for anyone who dies after Jesus. What is that you ask? Well, if you accept Christ into your heart while you lay on your death bed, no matter how bad you've been, God has to let you into heaven! It's a fact. You can spend your whole life raping babies and pissen' in collection plates, then if you confess your sins and accept Jesus as your savior, he has to let you into heaven!

Jeffery Dahmer accepted Jesus into his heart before he died. God must hate that rule.

This is the route that you take if you have any brains at all. Of course there is the risk that you might die unexpectedly. That's the chance you take. Like Tony Mangan
says, you only go around once then you're worm food. You'd better enjoy yourself 'cause you ain't commin' back and that's all part of God's great plan. Make sense?

"I'm shocked to see this profanous material."

Hello there,
Here's a question from a man which saw your site.
I'm shocked to see this profanous material.
Do you know, Jesus is the saver from al lot of people in the world?
Do you know, Jesus can also save your soul?
Do you know, an unsaved sinner will burn in the eternal hell?
Do you that Jesus wants to forgive you, because He gave his blood at Golgotha?
You want to be a hero to make a joke about Jesus? It's foolish! When you want to be a hero and a comic, you should make a site about Allah and Mohammed in the English and Arabic language. Please, send me the link when you're ready with it.
I suppose that you don't do it, because it's dangerous for your life. But what you did about Jesus is dangerous for your soul!
Hartelijke groeten, Albert-Jan den Butter


Hello there,
Here is a reply from a man who designed the site.
I am aware of this "Jesus" that you speak of: The saver from al lot of people in the world. I've said it a hundred times that I don't need Jesus to be my saver from the people!

I've never liked the term "Hero". Just because I've done heroic acts (inventing does not make me a hero. However, I do consider myself a comic, and your idea of an Allah and Mohammed Dress Up page is pretty goddamn funny, and the Arabic versions of each is cherry indeed!
For your disintegration of the English language, I think that we are now even. I found it most profanous, as do al lot of people in the world.

"Fortunately you are not important enough to offend Jesus Christ..."

Fortunately you are not important enough to offend Jesus Christ or me for that matter. I thought however that I would take this opportunity to remind you that Jesus went to the Cross for you as well as all mankind.
Your attempt to offend Christ's memory is a mild excercise in disgusting behavior favored by todays media and degenerate class.
I would challenge you to do a simarlarly offensive depiction of Mohammed. Just to show that you are an equal opportunity offender. Lets see what kind of convictions you actually have. I will pray for you often that you may experience conversion and know Christ.
May God have mercy on you.
Sincerely, Tony

Tony Mangan


You are the second person to request a Mohammed Dress Up site. Unfortunately, I was not raised to believe that Mohammed is the saver of souls. My years were wasted being taught that Jesus ruled my life. Although, I was considering doing a Santa Dress Up page. Him and Christ are in the same boat. They both were created by man to bring wonderful gifts to those who believe their incredible stories. Flying reindeer, feeding nations with a fish, elves that part the seas to save the Jews. Is that right? I always get those two mixed up.

And as for you, my experience has shown me that the people who think like you do tend to be out of touch with reality. You don't have to believe everything you read. I suggest that you direct your life in some other direction instead of a book written by man.

P.S. The number of misspellings in your email: 2
See if you can spot them. It's fun!

"Why do you waste what you believe to be wonderful talents in particular your ability to find typos in people's e-mail and point them out, as opposed to spending your time screwing over your friends and family for whatever you can get away with?"
(The 44 word sentence that made no sense)

At first blush I felt sorry for you and thought you were just a poor soul who knew nothing of Jesus and were simply trying to be cute. Now I realize that you do know and therefore you blaspheme, may the Lord have mercy on your poor soul. How can you live thinking that when you die it's over and there is nothing? Why do you waste what you believe to be wonderful talents in particular your ability to find typos in people's e-mail and point them out, as opposed to spending your time screwing over your friends and family for whatever you can get away with? After all there is only one time around and then you become worm food, so everyone you are kind to, is a liability, while in fact they should be of value to you to use and dispose of, before they need to be repaid in some way, right?

I will continue to pray for you and your ultimate salvation.

The reason it has been suggested that you hold up Mohammed for ridicule is that most people know that if you dared to do it, some Moslem group would let you know what anger really is. Not the kind that you are showing because you didn't get something from Santa that you asked for or that Jesus didn't pave your way to get everything you've asked for, but real anger and retribution. I guess going to the Cross having done nothing wrong, so that you could be saved is not enough for you. May God have mercy on you

Tony Mangan

From your emails I would guess you to be 12 or 13 years old, and it's not just your spelling. It is also your sentence structure and jumbled thoughts that make it very hard to understand what you're trying to communicate to me. In one sentence you asked me why I waste my talents as opposed to screwing over my friends and family. I know what you mean but that's really a bad sentence structure. It's hard for me to take anything you say seriously when you seem to have little or no education. Am I supposed to worship the god of a slack-jawed dimwit? I picture you skipping around your home, waving your arms in the air, shouting "BLASPHEME! BLASPHEME!" ...and that makes me giggle. I also imagine that you do this sort of thing every time you catch someone "sinning".
I sent this picture as an attachment.

One of the things that always bothered me when I was a "church goer" was the excessive judging that went on (I will also include pre-judging since you have done a lot of that with me). Already you've assumed that I must have screwed over my friends and family, that I am not kind to people and that I think that it's all over when I die. This is one of the worst attributes of a Christian, and it cannot be avoided if you become one. That "witch hunt" mentality has been there since the beginning.

As for the site that you've requested, I am not a one trick pony. If I think of some hilarious Moslem web prank I will not hesitate to build it. For now, however, it is only the Christians that I choose to offend.

" haired guy with his eyes poking out of socket..."

Not amused...

What's the idea? Irreverence for it's own sake, or a personal problem with Jesus? Cooler than thou or what? Here's one for ya, how about the little green haired guy with his eyes poking out of socket when he realizes that Christ is alive and reigns supreme over all creation?
(see Revelation19:11-16)

Charles Jones


I didn't bother going to Revelation and looking up your quote. I assume that when Christ spoke of "Poking eyes out of socket for all ye who realize that Christ is alive and reigns supreme over all creation" that he meant it in the spirit of love. 'Cause that's what he is, right? Love?
With love like that who needs enemies?
In answer to your first question, I do have a personal problem with Jesus. I spent half my life listening to Jesus' stories and now that I'm all grown up I realize what a schmuck I was. I mean, damning every soul for eternity in burning hell fire for not believing his tall tales? His dad's the one who supposedly made our brains think logically, and he wants me to buy this shit?
If there's one thing I've learned over the years it is to beware of anyone claiming to be the messiah, and be especially wary if his only source of proof is a book he wrote.

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