Satan Bad, God Good

Since the JesusDressUp.com site hit the web I have received many emails from folks who do not care for my taste of humor. These letters were fun to read and even more entertaining to respond to.

All of the Christian emails will be in blue and my replies will be in black and white . Enjoy!

God and Satan team up for the perfect tag team soul auction!

For a supreme being, God's blueprint for how life should be lead is a very strange one to say the least.

Number one on his list is not to be good or stay outta trouble or help others. First on God's list is to worship Him. Next on his list is convince everyone to do the same and talk about Him a lot! Gather together in groups and tell the same stories to one another again and again. Then life will be good and much will be learned.

Have you heard about the Devil? He is very, very bad. In fact he is the most evil being ever! He's the one who's got dibs on your soul if God doesn't want it.

The Devil, once getting your soul, tortures it for God because you were not a Christian. I think that's how it works. This includes the souls of far away bushmen tribes who aren't Christians and their babies.

Wait, no, babies go right to heaven. It's those damn teenage bushmen that go to straight to hell.

What about all of those Goddamn dead babies?

There are many schools of thought throughout the Christian religion about dead babies.

Some believe that all the babies go straight to heaven because they are born innocent. So one who is lucky enough to die gets the free pass to an eternity of heaven's bliss. I suppose that the free pass is revoked upon that baby committing its first sin.

Then what the fuck is Baptism?

The reason that God invented baptism is just in case babies don't go straight to heaven.
I'm not sure how the rule book reads but there seems to be an assumption that babies may indeed go to hell seeing that they are human and all humans are sinners.

Unfortunately this complicates matters. What happens when a sinful adult repents and hasn't been baptized? You see, if a baby needs to be baptized to go to heaven why is that any different for an adult? This is the scenario for the "Just in case" baptism.
I say "Just in case" because the bible states that one must only believe, accept and worship. Baptism is sort of thrown in later, thus confusing everything.

Now of course you're asking "What about that kid on 60 Minutes who is allergic to water?"
Even a moist towelette burns her skin and hospitalizes her for a few days. Scripture says that all those who are not baptized because they are allergic to water shall pay the ultimate price of TWO eternities in hell!

Honestly the only reason that I am laughing it up at your letter is that you chose to use a cute, little, misspelled "becuz" in an email calling my parents devil worshipers. That, and I am wondering how you're going to tell everyone you know not to visit JesusDressUp.com.
I imagine that it'd go something like this...
"Betty, I'm emailing you becuz I just ran across the most horrific of web sites. It's www.JesusDressUp.com and I definitely advise you not to visit the site. I'm telling everyone I know. Pass it on!"

Mary,

Please do not apologize. I found your Internet savvy "becuz" adorable. I'm just thoroughly amused when precious chat room slang is put to use in an issued complaint.
However, I do think that you owe an apology to your child. You felt comfortable letting a 5 year old look at the Internet? Shame on you Mrs. Bentley! If this is the case, then your toddler has already seen sites that I would consider getting child protective services involved over.
I am now forced to ask myself if you're a devil worshiping parent.

Gosh, I love the Internet. Finally a forum where freedom reigns and I can state my opinion however I please. That is why America is the greatest country, despite people like you who'd prefer everything be suitable for 5 year olds.

Remember, Mrs. Bentley, it is your life that that you need to censor, not mine. Just becuz you don't have the time to surf the web with your child, don't go taking it out on the rest of the world.

Oh yes, Satan. The evil lord of darkness that spends all of his time (eternity) torturing the souls that God gives him. To me, this guy is an even more outrageous creation than God. Man's capacity to comprehend the after-life is what leads us to dream up such preposterous characters.

I am familiar with the story of how the Devil came to be. A fallen angel who dared rebel against God and was cast down forever to rule over the lair of lost souls. It's spectacular that man can live on a planet so free of evil magic and divine miracles with 2 such powerful beings at large. I say at large because apparently the Devil has enough power to tempt the weak but not enough to squash planet Earth with his thumb.

I too am unable to comprehend death and what, if anything, comes after. This fact alone is enough information for me to know that I am not meant to comprehend it. Therefore, it is futile for me to waste my life dwelling on it.

I believe that fear is man's biggest burden. It is fear that drives man to make these safety nets. Overcoming fear is the true achievement. It is not a great achievement to expect paradise for the simple act of believing stories.

Oh, I can't believe that Dave & Kathie don't approve of my work! You sound like such a nifty couple, too. I'm picturing you guys sittin' there in your matching khaki shorts and Old Navy t-shirts utterly appalled at my pages. My little world is ruined knowing that the smiles have been wiped off your faces. How am I supposed to continue knowing that some guy who goes by "daveskat" thinks that my site is garbage?

How dare you call my work garbage! Garbage is your idea of a "fun night out".

Ok,
I'm taking all the pages down this afternoon.
Thanks.