Please take down your Site and Repent!

Bob fends off the heaviest onslaught.
Will he concede?

All of the Christian emails will be in blue and my replies will be in black and white . Enjoy!

Bob answers some questions of the people.
For those of you who did not include photos of yourselves I am posting an "assumed" likeness next to your letter.
If you want your actual photo here people, you're going to have to send it to me!
Nudes preferred.

What is wrong with you?

Rebekah Shaffer

Thank you for your question Rebekah. You know, I've asked this perplexing question to myself on several occasions. Like you, I always come up empty handed. Sure everyone is supposed to have some sort of flaw (I mean, no one is perfect, right?).


Oh my God, you have children?

Michael Ahlers

Jesus Christ, that's one of the most frightening questions that I've gotten in a while.


You've got a big lower lip. and how cumz your hair's green?


Green is a neat color for hair, don't you think?


Just wanted to let you know that is probably the funniest fucking thing that I have ever seen in my life. Only an Irish Catholic could be that twisted. Are You Irish, Catholic? I am.

No, I am not Irish, Catholic. I am white trash atheist.


Do you plan on a trip to heaven?

Yes. I hope that I've been clear on the subject. At the age of 72 I am planning on asking for a complete sweep forgiveness for every sin that I've ever done.... unless the life expectancy average is higher by that time.


I was just wondering what your opinion of Jews is? I am Jewish and I was just wondering if we're all ok with you. I won't be offended if you don't like us, I am just wondering what you think.

Seth Kaplan

Surprisingly, I believe that Jews are absolutely correct in everything that they believe.
I don't know why, I just like to be unpredictable like that.

"You need to pray your ass off in order to be forgiven."

Just to put this in the nicest way i can you site sucks. it is completly sick and it should be deleted. it's not right that you make fun and put God and christains down. you need to pray your ass off in order to be forgiven. because if don't ask to be forgiven, you'll be sent strait to hell when the lord returns. and thats basicly how i fell about your site.

Courtney Hess

"Dear Jesus Christ, God and Courtney,
Please, please, please send me to heaven! Oh, I've heard such wonderful things and it makes so much sense to me. That Hell sounds awful, please don't put me there. I hate pain and burning and bad things like that.

Oh yeah, please forgive me for my sins. Besides the web site that mocks your son's death, I've listened to rock and roll music, broken the speed limit on a number of occasions, I've touched my naughty place for naughty reasons and I've used the "F" word a lot. I've also fashioned my hair in an outrageous, non-Christian manner, I have many non-Christian acquaintances and I once drew a picture of a nun-hooker. And please forgive me for not believing any of those crazy stories in that book of lies that you wrote... but if I have to believe it to go to paradise, then... OK, I'll believe anything to stay out of that "lake of fire" place.

I'd like to stress to you how important it is that I go to heaven and not hell. That's the main thing, OK? I've got friends who didn't bow down to you and now they're being burned alive in Satan's fiery pit of damnation. Seeing them all charred would really suck.

Thank you in advance! Your best, best friend, Bob,

There you go Courtney. I bet you didn't think I'd do it but, Goddamn I want to go to heaven! See you there!

"If you don't believe, respect people who does."

Your play is not very polite. It can be an offense for Christian people.If you don't believe, respect people who does.

Gema Aparicio Ampudia

A letter like that definitely deserves respect. I'm going to make sure that you get it, only because that would be the polite thing to do.

Oh Gema, if only it were so easy. You may find this hard to believe but Christians do not respect the beliefs of non-Christians. All I'd ever wanted was to be left alone, to believe what I wanted to believe. But did the Christians respect that? Nooooo! So I cried myself to sleep, haunted by nightmares of my eternal soul burning in hell while Jesus flexed his muscles and kissed his biceps. Strangely in those dreams he was always dressed like a pro wrestler and surrounded by a half dozen chics in bikinis.

So I've decided to take a stand and declare my feelings once and for all. I've listed out my beliefs and the reasons behind them. Unbelievably I still receive several emails a day from Christians who want me to change my mind. None of them even attempt to explain to me any inconsistencies in my statements. They just seem to think that because they believe, I should too.

I do not care if you respect me. And you should care less about my respect for you, because there isn't any at all.

"I think I finally understand something"

Hey, I think I finally understand something Bob. I was trying to understand what your problem with Christians and all these other people was. I was trying to figure out why you feel you need to have a "smart" and "witty" reply to every letter. Then, it finally dawned on me. You were beat up in High School and MIddle School weren't you! You were "too smart" a far to clever for the "jocks" and "preps" to understand you. So they picked on you and beat you up. Now, though, now is your chance too make it up by being a complete jack-ass to people you don't even know and picking out their spelling errors. Well, I applaud you "Normal Bob Smith". One day, hopefully, this webpage will allow you to make up for the feelings of pain and anguish that you have bottled up inside you from schoolyard bullies. Good luck!

signed, Andrew from Mobile, Al.
(and please feel free to make an Alabama joke. I'm sure it will be very witty)

Actually Andrew, I've always been a clever jackass. And it's not just to people who I didn't know (just ask David Chamberlyn). Friends, enemies, strangers and the like were all potentials for my opinionated mouth. Sure it's gotten me beat up and picked on, but I just couldn't keep my goddamn trap shut. No one could understand that I was only trying to give them direction, purpose and maybe an original thought. So, sadly, high school was not my parade.

Now I have blossomed from the runt of an inch worm that I was into a beautiful butterfly. It turns out that my cleverness pays off in the real world (as opposed to pseudo worlds like middle school, high school and Alabama). Do not cry for me Andrew, I feel no pain or anguish from those days. I knew that high school was my obstacle course for a brighter tomorrow!

Tomorrow is here and I've got a gorgeous, loving girlfriend, I'm doing what I want for a living and I've got a silly side gig entertaining approximately 5000 people a day with my stupid, little web page, and I don't even have to think of a clever Alabama joke because everyone already knows one.

So once again I find myself compelled to give direction and purpose to another pawn in the great game of life, Andrew. Get over your school day triumphs and make something of yourself today! There's a wide world where the air isn't delicately seasoned with cow feces and the local middle school isn't one that you'd attended 20 years ago. See it, smell it, learn from it ...then thank me.

"Fuck, people never even used to know what there were other planets and stuff."
This is why I should believe? Because we're so stupid?

Hi I was turned onto you site by a friend of mine. Read 'god ate my balls'

Every thing you said I know because at one time I would have written the same thing. In fact I used to be a hard core satanist. No more like a devil worshiper. In your artical you only believe in stuff that can be proved. Well I've seen shit that would curl your hair. Theres a lot of shit in this huge universe we don't know about. Fuck , people never even used to know what there were other planets and stuff. I 'believed' in god, but I was angry. Like you I couldn't understand why bad things happen to people.

But I think some misguided person fed you a bunch of bullshit in gods name like they did to me tryed to cram it down my fucking throut you know? They talk all rigtous and stuff but were hypocrites. Now Im not here to preach to you.I never cared for all that. But mabee I can answer some of those question for you. But its your choice. Talk to me if you want. Then deside for yourself.

My bands got a website if you want to check it out
I'm also a member of the Fossil Riders Motorcycle Club

Alice La Brecque

There's a common misperception that worshipping the Devil and worshipping God are somehow opposites. They are, in fact, very similar. Both of them are Bible characters with magical powers and an overall "conquer the world" agenda. Everyone knows being a Satanist... "ahem" sorry, "Devil worshipper", is just a stepping stone to worshipping Jesus. I've had countless acquaintances from my past who took great pride in their Satanist beliefs. They listened to Ozzy, frequently used the signature "devil-horns-hand-gesture" during rock concerts and camera poses, and they drew pictures of skulls on their notebooks during study hall (that sort of stuff does curl my hair indeed). It's just a matter of time before their foolish belief in one imaginary deity switched to another less evil one.

But hey, you're in a rock band and a member of a motorcycle club, so by default, you're cool and on my wavelength, right? That's what you're insinuating? Tell me, where did you ever get the notion that I didn't understand why bad things happen to people? I'm entirely clear on the matter! I resent being lumped into such an overused, non-Christian stereotype. People learn and grow from hardships. There. Mystery solved. Next issue.

I'm sorry Alice, there is absolutely no way to convince someone to believe what you believe without preaching and that is the most distasteful element of Christianity that there is.
It wasn't the hypocrites cramming their righteous beliefs down my throat that caused me to think how I do. It's the general outrageousness of it all combined with the flakes who need something to bow down to that made me decide for myself already.

Oh yeah, I checked out your band's web site and from what I could tell by the 8 jpegs and your bio, you totally kick ass!.... considering that you're Jesus-rock.

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