Bad Christians!
Be more funny!

Rock and roll and Christianity don't mix. My theory is that a sense of humor and a total devotion to the Word of God don't mix either.
See for yourself...

Christian letters are in blue and mine are in black and white.

The day that you were born you were given the greatest gift that there is, the gift of original sin and eternal damnation. Ahem Wait a second. I'm skipping ahead. Sorry, I mean the gift of life!

THE GIFT OF LIFE
Happy fucking birthday.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. And despite God's infinite grab-bag of presents, the one He's got for you has the biggest price of all... an everlasting world of pain for you and your loved ones. Impressed?

You know, I can think of a whole lotta other gifts that would be ten times better than eternal suffering. Like how about NOT eternal suffering?

Here's an idea, what about something of substance that I can put my hands on that I'm supposed to be basing my life around?

Or how about this, a "Thank you for your gift God" that builds a little self confidence and doesn't involve so much bowing down and feet kissing?

I mean thanks for the "gift" and all but you've really sort of made it one huge gift to Yourself. The sacrificing, our total surrender of everything, the hymns. Oh sweet Jesus, those God forsaken Hymns!

Those treacherous, zombified octaves of praise sung to a steel, mass destruction device hidden under the Earth's surface. Oh wait, that's "Beneath the Planet of the Apes". I always get that mixed up with my church going days.

Oh screw it, here's a bunch of girls who want me and some pictures for cheap thrills.

Thank you thank you thank you

From all the recovering parochial school girrrrrrrrrrls of Poly-PDX, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HAPPY ASSES! That's a 100% Yuppers, babe!


Bob, I love your site. Please marry me. If unfortunately you are already married, at least cheer me up by adding a MaryDressUp site.

Thanks for your time.
Ally

 



Hi Bob, I just wanted to say that, well, I THINK I LOVE YOU.

Also, I was wondering if you could make time in your schedule to marry me, as I've been looking for a Bob to marry, and you're the coolest one I've ever seen. I also want to watch my Southern-Baptist family members' heads simultaneously explode at the reception when they discover what your website is all about. As an added bonus, you would join my father, step-father, and brother in the family, making a total of four Bobs. The green hair, fabulous fashion sense, and irreverent sense of humor are the exact characteristics that I look for while perusing the personals, and who would have thought I would find them here.

It was just a thought, but in any case, if that's not going to happen, at least do the "Dress-Up Bob" so I can have a Holy Trinity on my refrigerator.

Thanks for the laughs,
Lori

p.s. "Roadhouse" is my favorite worst-movie, but then again I stopped watching Corey Feldman/Haims movies after "The Lost Boys."

"I hate..."

You and your web site both suck. I hate guys like you.

Mike O'Connor
phatkontroller@anonymous.com


Yeah, I really should be less self confident, more indecisive, hide my creativity and disappear into the mainstream because this world really needs more of that.

Mike, look down into that mirrored coffee table of yours and know that I love you for being so ordinarily opposite of me. You're why I do what I do.

"I really do not understand what you mean."

Fri Jun 15 21:10:58 2001

I am glad that my existence motivates you to the point of taking the action of creating a web page. It is a good feeling to have an impact on the lives of others, makes me feel more real, more valid somehow.

I really do not understand what you mean. Congratulations on being such a wacky and different kind of guy though, you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

Have you ever seen the Australian version of the television smash hit "Big Brother"? It rocks.

Mike O'Connor
phatkontroller@anonymous.com


"I..." oh nevermind.

Sat, 16 Jun 2001 02:07:11 -0000

Have you ever had a Kung Fu battle to the death with a Texas Ranger?? Chuck Norris is a very strange man!

Have you ever seen that television phenomenon called 'Walker: Texas Ranger'? It is the best show I have ever seen.

I have no mirrored coffee table, and even if I did I wouldn't tell you about it.

The viet kong have been tampering with my milk again.

See you in Mexico.

Fool.

Mike O'Connor
phatkontroller@anonymous.com


Mike, being funny isn't that easy. To a lightweight it may look as simple as referring to bad TV, some sarcasm and a little Bob Saget-esque silliness, but sadly you have just discovered otherwise.

I must assume that it's humorless people that dislike my site thus emailing me their disapproval, explaining why none of them are funny themselves. Or maybe it's the hate you feel that the "funny" can't find its way through.

Either way, a humorless person attempting to be funny is a horror so unspeakable, no merciful, loving God would ever allow it.

The "jokes" you have made tell the tale of an empty, Godless sky looming over a doomed, ignorant planet. Run Mike, run as fast as you can. There's still no escaping your unfunniness.

* * * * * * *

"What do you want? The glory of God or the splendor of Satan."

Hey bob, Just a few things, I'm considering a religious website of my own and since you have one , well how is the response (positive and negative) ?. Is this for novelty, personal gain, or (whats your reason for doing this).

Now if you really want to mock Christ you shold put yourself on a cross, or on the dress up jesus page put a caricature (see websters dic.) giving head to the caricature on the cross. This would infuriate a real christian.

Seriously... If your going to put your self on the line DO IT RIGHT. after all it's your soul your dealing with here. Think about it bob, Jesus went all the way, and Judas went all the way. CHOOSE THIS DAY WHO YOU WILL SERVE.

What do you want? The glory of God or the splendor of Satan. So far you been dickin around. What ya gonna do???? This is real BOB!!!!!!!

waiting for a response, hope you read your email THEY do.

stogner@mindspring.com


Oh Stogner, you are totally lacking in some of the most important traits that a personality should have, and I am more than happy to construct a list of those traits for you.

Missing trait #1- Cleverness You started your letter with a concept that had no where to go... and you still stuck with it!

Missing trait #2- Originality I've already done the Dress Up (and crucify) Bob page. Who cares?

Missing trait #3- Sense of humor I've read your email a few times and I've picked out the times that you thought you were funny. The "(see websters dic.)" is one "joke" that you tried. And you clearly think that the "me giving head to Christ" is both insulting to me and funnier than what I have done (I could tell because you said "Seriously" in the next paragraph). You'd better watch it, that kind of "funny" will make for a lot of awkward silences at social gatherings.

Missing trait #4- Passion You've concluded with a punch line"?" that you didn't even care enough about to punctuate properly or even proof read. The punch line is the most important part. For God's sake respect the rules of comedy! If you don't care enough about your Messiah to defend Him properly then it is YOUR soul that is in jeopardy! Bow down to YOUR god Judas!

You're welcome,
Bob

* * * * * * *

"Im not someone who sends hate mail to people..."

Im not someone who sends hate mail to people who think it is funny to make fun of Jesus, just remember that Jesus's own words were "forgive them father they know not what do" He loves you anyway and so do I.

BE COOL !!!!!!

Scott Watkins
swatkins@decisiontwo.com


Scott, both you and God have got what I like to call "Junk Mail Love". It's printed on cheap stock, mass produced at a quantity discount and sent to every household to look like savings when in fact it is only a ploy to drum up sales. It is a "love" more empty than the ease in which you distribute it.

Now as for me being cool, I seem to be the only one accomplishing this. It's a gift I've got, remaining cool. I compose my thoughts, consider the source and inject humor into my responses to threats against my precious soul.

How do I remain so Goddamned cool you ask? I owe it all to knowing the true meaning of what love really is...

...and scat porn! Christ, I couldn't have done any of this without scat porn.

"i am confused at what you mean by 'drum up sales'..."

Hey Bob I received your e-mail, and I first would like to thank you for responding and second would like to say that i am confused at what you mean by "drum up sales" because I get nothing from this other than just trying to help a complete stranger in seeing that there is a God and he loves you very much. I never said you were a bad person or condemned you in any way like most "christians" may do, I dont get in to that because at one point I thought God and Jesus were a joke too. Your confusion is understood.

P.S. drop a line anytime
In Christ, Scott
swatkins@decisiontwo.com


"Drum up sales" is an analogy. It wasn't referring to money. It referred to making as many people as possible believe that they are truly loved by throwing the word "love" around. "God loves you, I love you, everyone loves you." You're abusing the word.

My argument was that the "love" you toss like confetti over everyone's head is not love at all. It's in fact more like a free handout you had printed up for five bucks per thousand. I don't get into that because at one point I threw that word around like a joke too. Your confusion is understood.

P.S. Drop me a line anytime.
In reality, Bob

"maby your right i cant really say that i have love for you because i dont even know you..."

Well Bob maby your right i cant really say that i have love for you because i dont even know you, and you dont believe in the love of Jesus so i guess it SUCKS TO BE YOU.

P.S. there is no confusion here
P.S.S. I tried to show that there is christians out there that do care but you are not fellin the love so have a good one "EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW AND EVERY TOUNG WILL CONFESS THAT JESUS IS LORD" EVEN YOURS!!!!!!!!

Scott Watkins
swatkins@decisiontwo.com

* * * * * * *

"What is so funny about it, think about it did you want people to think that you are so kool or some think cause right now it is not good way to start out."

i think your web site is a discrace to all mankind, it is VERY offending to me as a Christian. I dont understand where you find the humor in dressing up Jesus as a devil or a ballerina, etc., i can assume that you are not a Christian but you should at least have respect for those who are. I even think people who are not Christians would not like it, it is not a good way to show the world how you fell.

Just because you are not a Cchristian doesnt mean you have to share it to the world i know alot of people want to but it doesnt mean you have to be disrespectful about it. What is so funny about it, think about it did you want people to think that you are so kool or some think cause right now it is not good way to start out. GOD is more powerful then any one so if you think that you can change any ones mind about GOD then it is not going to work. i will be praying for you and i hope you will take down tht web site.

Michelle

Nothing moves me more than when a stranger promises to have a conversation with a segment of their brain asking it to have mercy on me. Then going so far as to get on their knees and begging that piece of brain to reveal itself to me so that my everlasting ghost doesn't burn for eternity in a red devil's fiery cauldron of pain.

Michelle, this thing in your head that you call "GOD" is totally jumbling your thoughts and distorting your ability to think rationally. Do you realize that you wrote the sentence: "What is so funny about it, think about it did you want people to think that you are so kool or some think cause right now it is not good way to start out." What is it you're trying to say? Fight the voices Michelle and help me break the code!

 

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