The Alexandra Files

I don't like to make a practice of debating 13 year old children but this girl needed answers and she wasn't going to quit until she heard for herself.

Her letters are in blue and mine are in black and white.


To retaliate your refusal to include pictures of yourselves, I am once again giving you my impressions of you, in a fake photo format.

Real funny! It's funny that you have the image of Jesus as a Caucasian. He most certainly was not a "pale face." Since he was born of Middle Eastern Jewish parents, I laugh at your image and the images through history. There were no Whites in that area other than the Romans who invaded. The people in the region were very dark. If Jesus was White, he would not have been able to hide in Egypt for a year after he was born. He would have stuck out. You must have a lot of time on your hands to come up with something this silly.


I liked your site. It was funny. A friend sent it to me. Do you happen to know of any more funny sites or just something intresting to see. No porn if so let me know.


Your website is quite possibly the greatest website I have ever seen in my entire life. Your movie reviews are hilarious, I've been on your site for an hour and a half now, sent the url to about 20 people and I can't get enough of it!

Keep up the great work, you are a hero to us all.


I Love Super Chick from Outer Space

I'm a chick but I'm into pussy. Can I lick some of that far out super chick snatch? I will lick pie all night long. If my tongue were to do battle with Gene Simmon's tongue, his would fall weak. I can clean my eyebrows with my tan, athletic tongue. SO, what do you say?


Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your site. As a programmer I was especially impressed with the app itself. As for the person that challenged you to join MENSA, I happen to be a member and have found most to be agnostic as they are too intelligent to believe in blind faith and tend to rely on the empirical. I try to avoid "spam" at all costs but was promptly sent to my distribution list. That's my two cents. Keep up the good work.

Holden Caufield

Hey Bob,
I have to tell you that this is a great site, so wonderfully designed, and chock full o' fascinating content. It's fucking great to find a voice that's not only intelligent AND funny, but resourceful. I love your research, the fact that you can spell and use proper punctuation, your theories on God and ESPECIALLY your letter to David Chamberlain. I write for an alternative weekly akin to New City and I know the beast that you battle so well. You humor is perfect — sarcastic yet realistic, and you bite in the right tender spots.

Right on man, right fucking on.
Kristen Sherwood

i liken the site, hooks me ups with some info,
send it to, puts me on your mailing list, if ya gots one, peace es' meemo (tck)
Those Crazy Kidz

peace Es' MeEmOs (tck)


" if you think that Christianity is stupid then why do you waste your time making websites about it. It's not like actual Christians will go to it and believe what you say and listen to you..."

hey bob

here's the thing, i've seen your website and read A LOT of the hate mail people have sent you and what you said to them. i know you're gonna classify this under "hate mail" but i don't care what you think, i don't hate you, just hate what you've done. I can tell that you're not a stupid guy, in fact you're very witty and one of those people that seem to always have a comeback. and you're probably gonna make fun of my spelling or grammar, but no offense that's pretty weak, i mean think of how this sounds "haha you're an idiot, you can't spell". come on that's so pathetic, if you're gonna insult me then you might as well do a good job of it. i mean oh no he doesn't like my spelling, what am i gonna do? (sarcasim) anyways my point is that you are very gifted and can really speak your mind, but you've been completely mis-led.

I know you think that all Christians are stupid and you probably think i'm crazy or what ever. but just hear me out. if you think that Christianity is stupid then why do you waste your time making websites about it. It's not like actual Christians will go to it and believe what you say and listen to you, so then what's the point? I'm honestly going to pray for you b/c i think you seem like a pretty smart guy that could do a lot of good if you let Jesus into your life (ouch! i can tell i set myself for an insult there). I don't know exactly what happened to you to make you think Christianity was stupid but i feel really bad for you. God is giving you and everyone else the choice to have salvation and you are not only choosing not to take it, but are also mocking everything Christ did for us. And i know you get many of these letters and you just make fun of it but i still feel that i need to tell you these things. You may not care about saving your soul but as a Christian i do, God calls us to be a light and that's what i'm trying to do.

I'd list some passages for you to look up that might in some way guide you, but i know you won't bother looking them up. And you can go ahead and pretend like you're the smartest guy ever b/c you don't buy into all this stuff but that doesn't change the fact that you're wrong. It is really sad how someone has strayed so far away from God that they would actually make a website mocking Him and everything He has done for us.


"...many people have reached out to you and want you to be saved, yet you don't even care."

yah yah i know i already sent you a really long one, but i'm just going to keep going. i've been going through your site a lot and it's really making me sad that you would promote such blasphemy.

i realize now that there's nothing i can say to make you change your mind, and that's what really gets to me, i used to believe there's hope for everyone, but you seem to be a lost cause. and it's all just b/c you're stubborn and wanna look big so you put on this huge act saying "look at me i don't care what anyone thinks i'm just gonna keep mocking people and look all cool cuz i give spelling tips and manage to pull a pile of crap outta my ass after every email so that i end up looking good". well did you ever stop to look at how many people want you to change, i'm not just talking about the site, but many people have reached out to you and want you to be saved, yet you don't even care. one good thing that came outta your site is that i've realized that there are a lot of wonderful people out there that agree with me and are outraged by the site. so i guess something good did come out of it... but i still wish there was something i could do for you, i will definetly keep praying for you. who knows, you may someday realize that i'm not crazy and that everything people have said is true. alright i'm gonna go for now, i'll probably find something else on the site to comment on so you'll be hearing from me again.



You have either missed or ignored a crucial piece of information on my site. I do not believe that God exists. I do not believe that people have everlasting souls and the stories of Jesus are just that, stories.

You are 13 and at that age you're allowed to believe that you'll live forever. I do not knowingly make fun of children. It's the adults that I feel should know better. Hopefully as you grow older you will experience more realities of life and the fantasies will show themselves for what they are.

I have benefited greatly by embracing reality, the main one being that now things make sense. Other benefits have been an improved self confidence, knowing what love really means, a greater appreciation for life, an ability to problem solve for myself, and the mysterious, untouchable mist being removed giving me a clear perspective on reality and life.

There doesn't have to be a God for there to be right and wrong. I have never promoted wrong doing because there is no God. There are still laws to obey and more to be gained by doing what is right. Atheists are not Anarchists.

The point of my site is simple; to tell why I believe what I do and to show my conviction. In over 1,200 words you've said nothing about why you believe what you do. This is a bad habit that Christians have got. Calling me stubborn is no different than me calling you stubborn for not thinking my way.

I am writing you this letter hoping that you'll listen to another opinion. Next time you're at church, picture if you will, the hypothesis that it all could very well be an idea made up by man. To me that concept made more sense than the one being preached.


"... you have to have an annoying witty response to everything..."

dude, do you have to have an annoying witty response to everything...

i totally envy you for that (too bad you don't use it for something constructive). you can come up with anything to avoid the truth, or just to look smarter.. people like you really bother me, cuz i never know what to say. as for "going easy" on me cuz i'm 13, i assure you that you don't need to. i can take anything you throw at me cuz no matter what you say i'll still believe what i believe. but i do have a question. did you ever truly believe or was it just a "i belive cuz my parents do" type thing. were you ever actually a christian, or were you an athiest waiting to happen? cuz if you were never really christian then that would explain a lot. It's just hard for me to believe that a christian, like true christian would just forget about their faith and go against it. i don't think you were ever really christian so you don't really know as much as you say you know. so yah get back to me on that.



I wasn't trying to be witty. I was answering your questions & explaining my beliefs. What you thought I was kidding with I have no idea. Are you reading what I'm writing or are you just skimming over my words and assuming what I believe?

Yes, I believed in God and yes, I considered myself a Christian. I wrote endlessly about God and the meaning of life and his great plan for us (me). I was totally convinced.

Please read my previous letter again and do not assume that I'm being sarcastic or kidding.


"...and one more thing, why the heck are you being so nice?"

ok fine, maybe witty was not the right word, i meant clever. and yah i get how you feel and what your beliefs are, but then why do you do a Jesus dressup page?

you said you do have a sense of right and wrong. so do you really think it's right to dress up Jesus in devil outfits and stuff? i know you don't think He was real but that doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to mock Him. you know what you're doing is upsetting a lot of people, so then why do you continue to do it? oh one more question: how exactly did you "figure out" that there's no God? did something hit you over the head one day or did someone tell you that, or what? i'm curious as to how you went from being a supposed christian to an athiest with no respect for people who do believe.

and one more thing, why the heck are you being so nice? it's hard to be mad when you're not giving me anything else to work with, you gotta help me out a bit.


OK, this'll give you reason enough to get angry at me. I'm being so nice to you because you're a 13 year old girl. You've got no say in the matter. I am a man. If I were to knowingly trounce on you with my hilarious, sidesplitting wit and genius point making smart alickness, I'd look like a jerk... to hot chicks. So you're stuck with "nice Bob" while I showcase my lovable "big teddy bear" sensitivity to an innocent child.

My heart knows that there is nothing wrong with It's a silly game featuring a storybook character. Just because it hurts some people's feelings does not make it wrong.

Whether you're breaking up with your boyfriend, shutting down your hat making store because no one's buying hats, telling a sinner they're going to Hell or beating your little brother at checkers, the hurt feelings do NOT make the act wrong. Never equate upsetting with wrong. It puts your freedom at risk and that is so very wrong!

Figuring out that there was no God was easy. Not only does none of it make sense (the unimaginable events, the ultimate plan for mankind, a complete lack of proof, the promise of Heaven to all who believe and Hell for everyone else) it reeks of human imagination and good vs. bad story telling. You have to consider mankind's fear of death coupled with an "I deserve to live forever" self righteousness. It makes so much more sense that it was all made up by people and this is abundantly clear when I'm sitting in traffic staring at a "JESUS LOVES YOU" bumper sticker. The majority needs a god.

To me it is far more important to speak the truth than to accommodate everyone's feelings. Baby-talk has never gotten anything accomplished.

Oh, and you're exactly right. Clever is a much better word to describe me.


"...and just cuz i'm 13 doesn't mean i have no say in the matter..."

fine! if you don't believe there's a God or heaven/hell etc. then what do YOU think happens when you die? what exactly do you believe? do you believe anything at all?

and just cuz i'm 13 doesn't mean i have no say in the matter, i have just as much say in the matter as you do. and as for your "nice bob" theory, i don't think it matters what you do to the type of girls you're into...

by the way, a hat making store?? what were you on when you came up with that? oh, and just so you know, i can think of an even better word than clever. but i wouldn't want to be rude.


Well that did get you angry! I think you've misread my letter. When I said "You've got no say in the matter" I meant that I'm going to be a nice guy whether you like it or not. Obviously you've got total say in what you believe.

Presently I believe that when it ends it ends. I'm pretty sure about this. If there is an after life it damn well isn't going to relate to this life at all. But who cares. No one knows or ever will and it's a waste of time planning for it.

And I sorta liked my "Hat Store" analogy.


"well fine, i guess you're a lost cause."

well fine, i guess you're a lost cause. but you are wrong about one thing, you will know b/c you're gonna die some day and find out. and planning for it is not a waste of time. but i suppose you'll just have to find out the hard way... i still wish there was something i could say to you.. but i can't think of anything, so see ya.


Yes.... a lost cause. I guess that that is what I am.
* Camera pans back showing me standing alone as a tumbleweed blows by my feet.
Good-bye Alexandra... good-bye...
* The howl of a wolf can be heard from the distance. Fade to black.


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