Love Diaries

Bob Love Diaries
The Romantic Confessions of a Virgin Prude

Part 3
Poetic Justice

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Part 1,
The First Action
Part 2, Paradise Missed
Part 3, Poetic Justice
Part 4, Thumbs Up 7Up!
Part 5,
I <3 NY
Part 6, Junior Prom
Part 7,
The Most Important Girl
Part 8, Julie
Part 9, Yesterday Sucked
Part 10, Between Friends
Part 11, Questions Answered
Part 12,
Art School Confidential
Part 13, Virginity Lost

Included in the category of "romantic moments" are those times when the opposite sex showed concern for my well-being. I really had to take whatever I could get no matter how insincere, degrading, phony or temporary it was. This next story is just one of those moments and it all started with my smart aleck sense of humor that you're all so familiar with today.

In the winter time I used to go downhill skiing with my dad and on occasion I would get a windburned/ sunburned face. It could be quite a dramatic site, especially a few days afterward when the skin would begin to peel.. This was one of those days.

Early that morning before class, I decided it would be amusing to joke about my burned face with my locker partner/ best friend Chris. He was fully aware of the reasons my face looked the way it did. We would often play off of each other's lead if a premise were initiated. My opener to him that morning was,
"Damn Chris, it sure does suck that I had to go and get skin cancer."
His response was without pause or smirk (as always), "Yeah, sucks to be you... hey, do you got my English book?"
"No" I replied, "I think it's there in the back. I mean gosh, to find out you're going to die a painful death really takes the spring out of my step in the morning... ya know?"
"Oh, sure enough, there's my English book. Huh? What were you saying?"

Now at this point I was completely unaware that our conversation was being listened in on by one of two very popular twins who were also considered quite hot (and gullible I suppose). We continued the skin cancer charade with Chris heartlessly shrugging off my cries for help.
"I hope they come up with a cure for cancer before I die. That would totally make my day."
"Hmm, I hadn't thought of that" Chris remarked, ".... but if they don't I guess I'll get the whole locker to myself next quarter huh?"

After Chris and I got our stuff from the locker and started to head off, I noticed that Laurel (or Lanie... twins all look alike to me) heard the whole transaction, and by the look on her face she bought every word.


Laurel and Lanie... or the other way around. I don't know.

So let's flash forward to later that day. I'm sitting in class and the dismissal bell rings. Gathering up my things and about to leave I notice that someone had left their pen on one of the desks. Without thinking I picked up the pen and was about to carry it out of the room... when up came a very large sporto by the name of Tim Carroll. He was another jock who enjoyed picking on those weaker than him, and today it was going to be me.

"THAT'S MY PEN YOU LITTLE QUEER!" He bellowed.
"Oh sorry." I replied and quickly handed him the pen, but he couldn't have cared less about that pen.

From there he followed me out of the room less than a foot away from me, staring in my face very very angrily. When we got into the hallway he met up with his friend Shane and informed him,
"This little fag tried to steal my pen! What do you think we should do to him?"
I was well aware that his friend Shane Sweeny would only have suggestions that could be detrimental to my well being.

I was shocked but delighted to hear that after high school Tim Carroll lent his body to science so that he could aid the research of male pregnancy.

Despite many complications that resulted in having his genitalia completely removed Tim is now the first human male to ever bear a child through C-Section! Congratulations Tim!

Shane Sweeny has since been spotted deep within the slums of Denver eating garbage from a street gutter with used plasticware that rats have peed on.

Good luck you guys!

"I think we should kick the little faggot's ass!" and with that the clouds of doom seemed inescapable... until, I saw two eyes fall upon me with pity, sorrow and concern. It was Laurel (or Lanie, the same one from earlier I assure you), and Tim called out to her,
"Hey Laurel (or Lanie, whatever), you wanna know what this little queer did? He tried to steal my pen!"

It was at that moment that it hit me. She thought that I was dying of skin cancer! What luck! Forlorned, abused and "terminal" I played the role of cancer boy who had two Cancer-bashers teasing him for having cancer. Laurel/Lanie screamed out at the both of them,

"FUCK YOU TIM! GOD, YOU GUYS CAN BE SUCH ASSHOLES SOMETIMES!" And she pushed Tim into Shane. They were both completely stunned. Starring blankly at me walking away they tried to explain to the twin what a faggot I was and the reasoning behind their aggression, but to no avail.

I had heard from a very reliable source that both Tim and Shane never found another girl who would ever sleep with them again because they both hated people with cancer.

After that day Laurel AND Lanie always offered smiles to me in the halls as they passed... even after I didn't die.

 

 

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All opinions, writings, illustrations & designs are that of Normal Bob Smith (C) 2000 - 2009
NORMAL BOB SMITH DESIGN NEW YORK

 

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