The First Action
||Part 2, Paradise Missed
||Part 3, Poetic Justice
||Part 4, Thumbs Up 7Up!
I <3 NY
||Part 6, Junior Prom
The Most Important Girl
||Part 8, Julie
||Part 9, Yesterday Sucked
||Part 10, Between Friends
||Part 11, Questions Answered
Art School Confidential
||Part 13, Virginity Lost
||Maybe it's just stress,
maybe it's the new environment (NY) or maybe perhaps it's due to
my magnets taking far more time to get my hands on than I could
have ever imagined. Whatever it is I've hit a lonely phase. There,
I said it. The "L" word. The word I once vowed never to utter on
these self righteous, smart ass, selective reality, webfotainment
pages. Lucky for you this spell of patheticness should make for
a bitter sweet Love Diary treat. So BEHOLD, the saga continues...
much to my chagrin.
The reality of being
me in my every day life is hardly impressive. I am not "known",
nor am I modelesque, stacked or smooth with the ladies. I'm a 6'
3" 170 lb bean pole with the unique ability to lose all/any confidence
at those rare moments when someone I'm attracted to pays me attention.
It's a villainous curse that I blame Jesus for, and a 25 year lack
of experience hasn't helped much either I'm sure. It may have possibly
saved my ass from getting trapped in a loveless marriage with kids
that weren't planned, a dreadful career maintained only out of necessity
and a number of other stupid things a young heartthrob gets himself
into. Nevertheless, it's moments like this when I rethink everything.
Well, everything except religion of course.
Yesterday sucked. I mean
it really and truly sucked. One of those days when the girl you
asked out earlier that week (who rejected the request with a "friendship"
counter offer) is seen in the arms of some cute guy laughing it
up as you stroll by pretending that there's a way to pretend that
you don't look as if you've drawn the short straw.
One of those days when
the couple laying together in the park joyously basking in each
other's glow seems as if they are joyously basking in your loneliness.
One of those fucking
days you decide to end prematurely so as to spare another needless
poke in the heart only to be IMed by a cute girl claiming she'd
"so" date you if she weren't on the opposite coast. Yeah, one of
THOSE days. .
July 2nd, 2003
So when I get like this,
like I am now, I retreat to the sidelines and accept the reality
of it all. I take it all in to figure it out and find the solutions.
Solutions that aren't there... BUT there are some definite issues
I've pinpointed and am prepared to address:
#1) I do not get approached...
I know that there are guys who do get approached regularly and the
reasons are pretty basic: Good looks, popular and/or outgoing (freakishly
so), which leads me to #2
July 2nd, 2003
#2) I am
Yes! Lately I've noticed the success rate in guys who talk a lot.
It makes sense, but for some reason I just don't have it in me.
I'm a fucking bashful little tulip I suppose.
#3) I want
it too much... and I think that shows.
This has always been a problem and there's nothing that'll kill
something faster than hints of desperation.
terrified of looking pathetic.
Christ, that's such a weak excuse. I need to work on that. It's
so unatheist of me to harbor such a silly fear. It isn't low self
esteem. I'm confident enough to know that once I've got someone
genuinely interested that I'm good enough to maintain and exploit
her interest. It's that first meeting. It just doesn't happen.
know, it wasn't just one specific event that sparked Doomsday
2003. It was a gradual flow of folks better looking than me,
unwarranted doses of reality that I wouldn't wish upon the worst
mind-fucking ex, and the final days of my red & black leather
Chuck Taylors. They've seen better days.
It was the hot summer
sun dressing down every body as a reminder of what you can't have
as it makes your most innocent glances seem creepish and diabolical.
Jesus fucking Christ,
I over think it!
#5) I over think things.
That's my problem! I've always over thought this shit, and that's
why the thoughtless are always coupled.
There you go, problem
solved. Goddamn pounding heart. Maybe it's just all the caffeine.