YOUR INSTA FAX MESSAGE

The following page is a duplicate of the actual page that appears on LaptopLobbyist.com/jdu.html as of Monday, April 12th, 2004. All of the black & white text is exactly as it's published on their site (including the varying point sizes, sporadic font bolding, underlining and everything else). The red text (like this here) is me interjecting comments, jokes, wise cracks and corrections. These, of course, did not appear on their page, but should have... in my opinion.

YOUR INSTA FAX MESSAGE [Okay, what the fuck is an "INSTA FAX?" Is that an email that goes to a fax machine? Is it just a fancy word for "email?"] TO: Mr. Richard Hayne - CEO Urban Outfitters Inc.,  Mr. Glen Senk - Executive V.P. Urban Outfitters Inc., Tedford Marlow - President Urban Retail, Mr. Robert Strouse - COO Urban Outfitters Inc., Paul Twomey - President and CEO ICANN, Mr. Doug Barton IANA, Ms. Tina Dam - Chief Registry Liason gTLD, Mr. Stratton Scavos - Chairman of the Board VeriSign, Ms. Dana Evan - Vice President VeriSign, Mr. D. James Bidzos - Vice Chairman of the Board VeriSign, Mr. WIlliam L. Chenevich - Vice Chairman of the Board VeriSign, Mr. Charles Wheelus Jr. - Pick Internet Solutions Inc.

FROM:  [YOUR NAME]

RE:  The Jesus Dress Up Kit

To Urban Outfitters:

Your shallow offer to not re-order any more Jesus Dress Up magnets is SIMPLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I am appalled that your company would choose to continue to profit from the sale of an item clearly intended to ridicule the sincerely held religious beliefs of millions of Americans.  Christians believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God.  Your Jesus Dress Up Kit presents Him as a refrigerator magnet, wearing costumes designed to make Him a laughing stock ­ a hula skirt, a dress, a devil's costume, a beanie with a propeller.  And the kit offers two signs to place above His head:  HANG IN THERE BABY and TGIF.

Your wealth and position give you no right to mock the beliefs of humbler people.  What satisfaction could you possibly derive from such tasteless cruelty?  PULL THE ITEM FROM THE SHELVES NOW!

To ICANN, Network Solutions, VeriSign and Pick Internet Inc.:

The websites; www.jesusdressup.com and www.normalbobsmith.com feature the vilest, most disgusting hate speech against Christians I have seen in my life.  Furthermore, these sites make allusions to Nazi Germany, the Ku Klux Klan and child molestation.  Furthermore ["Furthermore" again? So soon?], the site owner has falsified his Registrant Information.*  As such, he is in violation of basic internet [It's "Internet" with a capital "i". Sheesh!] Terms Of Service and Acceptable Use Policies.  And FURTHERMORE! [Ha ha! Just bustin' your balls, L.L.] I call upon you to enforce common standards of Terms Of Service and Acceptable Use Policies and TERMINATE his service NOW.
* [Ahem. I am proud to say that my registration information (as mentioned above) has been updated, per Internet Terms of Service standards, so eat my poo. And everyone who attaches their name to these documents becomes part of the misinformation. Congratulations Laptop Lobbyists. You're doing a bang up job here.]

Respectfully

[YOUR NAME]


[Wait. $20? For what? A computer generated Insta-fax (whatever that is). That takes neither man-hours or machines, correct? Where's that money going? The "heroes" running this web site?]

URBAN OUTFITTERS: TAKE THE "DRESS UP JESUS" OFF YOUR SHELVES TODAY! [I think they meant to say "URBAN OUTFITTERS, TAKE THE DRESS UP..." It should be a comma, not a colon, right? The way they wrote it makes it seem like it's a quote from Urban. "URBAN OUTFITTERS SAYS: TAKE THE JESUS MAGNETS OFF YOUR SHELVES TODAY!" What a neat statement that turns out to be!]

As I write this letter, news is already circulating  throughout the conservative community that we've won a victory.  People are under the false impression that Urban Outfitters is no longer selling the "Dress Up Jesus" magnet. [It's so neat to me how they switch back and fourth between bold and underlined and normal again. It's like they've just discovered how to do that and think that it makes the statements look stronger. Instead it just makes them look like amateurs.]

But such is not the case.  Meredith Bruce, spokesperson for Urban Outfitters released a statement saying that Urban Outfitters would not be re-ordering the item but that they will continue to sell the inventory on hand. [And they got tons! The Urban Outfitters on 14th Street here in Manhattan still has piles of them. My magnets have got their very own display stand facing the front door and everything! They're a star attraction! I love it.]

This is NO VICTORY! [Duh. My sales couldn't be better, you twits!]

You and I must ­ MUST -- do something about it right now   ­ a sneering, leering, bloody, deadly, eternally damning attack on the crucified Christ does not cease to be a sneering attack on the crucified Christ simply because the company perpetrating the insult "claims" they won't order anymore of the item. [Actually, Urban did offer up the possibility of ordering a Christmas version of Jesus Dress Up from me... without the Satan costume, of course! That should be okay, right?]

Let me be very clear. URBAN OUTFITTERS NEEDS TO TAKE DRESS UP JESUS OFF THE SHELVES TODAY!


[$20?!? Again!?!? Hey... here's an idea; Howz about posting the email address and/or fax numbers along with the "complaint" form letter and charging your supporters $0 to fight your "urgent" cause? Or is it NOT about the cause!? You frauds.]

You have to wonder how anyone could be so twisted as to market such a hateful product. [Is it now "twisted" to believe that Jesus wasn't really god? Is that where we're at here? What the fuck?]

And the more you explore it, the more you realize the depths of its depravity.  It's like diving into a septic tank.

Urban Outfitters -- an international chain with headquarters in Philadelphia ­ has been selling a new "novelty item" -- a refrigerator magnet called the Jesus Dress Up Kit. [And what's with all of this horrible structuring of sentences? It's like they don't know how to form paragraphs so they just make every sentence a paragraph. I tell ya, these dolts are in Juniour High!]

A crudely rendered, two-dimensional Christ is hanging on the cross, wearing nothing but a loin cloth. [What? Hey! I worked damn hard illustrating those tighty-whities! Get it right!]

The buyer -- perhaps your child or grandchild "GASP!" -- is provided with a number of outfits to put on the pale-yellow crucified Jesus ["pale-yellow?" Is someone crying foul on that?] :

ˇ                    a hula skirt

ˇ                    a woman's dress

ˇ                    a devil's costume [That's the kicker.]

ˇ                    a skull-and-cross-bones T-shirt [Crossbones? Where?]

ˇ                    a beanie with a propeller on it [Can you blame me for grinning like a proud father?]

Apparently, when friends come to visit, you're supposed to take them into kitchen to  laugh at Jesus [Yes! They finally get it!] ­ who looks ridiculous wearing a dress or beanie as He hangs on the cross, giving His life to atone for the sins of the world.

And if that isn't bad enough [Oh, wait... they're disapproving of the laughter... nm], consider this:

The Kit provides a sign to place above Jesus' head.  The sign reads: HANG IN THERE BABY.  And in case the buyer doesn't think that's funny enough, the Kit also contains a sign that says T.G.I.F. (Thank God It's Friday) > [I think they wrote it out because many old people still haven't heard that one. Laptop knows its audience.]


[JESUS CHRIST! $20 again?!? Have you no shame? It's a web site for God's sake, not the fucking Uni-bomber, you alarmist fucks!]

Do you suppose Urban Outfitters was unaware that this item would be deeply offensive to Christians?

Many of you have heard that Urban Outfitters has agreed to stop selling this item.  But that's not entirely true.  Urban Outfitters has merely stated that they will not re-order the item, but they continue to sell the existing stock that is already shelved and warehoused -- That's just not good enough.  The item needs to be pulled from the shelves TODAY!

AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It means that Urban Outfitters caters to those who ­ like the Roman soldiers --scorn Jesus, ridicule Him as he hangs on the cross, and derive perverse pleasure from offending His followers. [Um, and don't they also cater to God, like the Romans did? I mean, God set the whole deal up from the beginning, right?]

If this nasty trifling were directed against any other faith ­ Islam, for example ­ it would be called "bigotry" and the left-wing war drums would be beating.  But these days it's open season on Christianity, isn't it? [Yes, you fools! Because we are living in a Christian dominated country! It's called a backlash, you ignorant dolts.]

We find anti-Christian hostility everywhere -- in the halls of Congress, in organizations like the ACLU and People for the American Way, in television sitcoms, in Hollywood, in our schools, and now in corporations like Urban Outfitters

By the way, what do we know about this sleazy operation?
[The "sleazy operation" jab is in reference to Urban Outfitters. Not me! "Whew" Dodged that one!]

It isn't just a local Mom-and-Pop company funneling its garbage into some one-stop-light town.  It's a giant chain that has stores in every region of the United States and overseas as well.

The founder and CEO, Mr. Richard Hayne ­ once a poor counter-culture drifter -- is now mega-rich [HATE THE RICH!].  He's made hundreds of millions of dollars by selling off-beat, 1970s-style clothes and other gimmicks to teenagers in some 50 stores.  Oh yes, and he also sells Christ-bashing to Americans and to buyers in other countries. [Oh yes, and he also rapes handicapped children for profit. Nothin' big. Just the ultimate crime against humanity. That's all. Ho hum]

Do you want him peddling his contempt for Jesus worldwide?  If not, tell him so RIGHT NOW.


[Yeah. $20. We get the picture. You want my $20. You know, last time I checked, stamps for emails cost 0¢ and selling a form letter of protest reeked of opportunistic greed.]

Of course, Richard Hayne and Urban Outfitters didn't invent the Jesus Dress Up Kit.
[Yay! Here's where I get my props! I can't wait!]

The original creator of this obscene and blasphemous material calls himself "Normal Bob Smith." :::goosebumps:::   He claims to have sold around 5,000 kits at $14 apiece, which would mean he has grossed approximately $70,000. [Okay, let's clear this up right now. The majority of magnets were sold wholesale (half price or less when sold in bulk). It's way too close to tax time to let fibs like this go public uncontested. Nice government... *pats head* nice government. Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... heh heh.]

"Smith" ­ who claims to have been a Christian until he turned 30 [Wait, are they suggesting that I'm lying about that?] ­ prances around in public [Do I prance? *blushes*] wearing horns and red paint that make him look like the devil.    You can find him on his website dressed in this costume.  He calls himself "the God of Atheism," [Yay! They quoted that! I can't believe it! It worked! It worked!!! Hahahaha!] and you can see pictures of him in various settings, a nasty little smirk on his face.  He looks like a sick Pee Wee Herman. [Flattered beyond comprehension.]

One segment features Normal Bob parading down the streets of Manhattan with what he calls his "Unholy Army of Catholic School Girls."  Here is his account:

"I'm so proud of my little darlings.  I mean, they're so Unholy!  They even lured me into a church (God I hate those), and we knelt on one of those weird little doohickeys and posed with the Big Guy Himself up there on that "T" thingy.  What do you call it again?  Bah, nevermind.  You know what I'm talkin' about.  The thing He died on.  Anyways, it was neat." [Goddamn, I can be a funny bastard when I want to be!]

On the website you can also see a couple of these young girls, grinning and making obscene gestures. [It's called "flippin' the bird" you pansies.]

Then, if you have the stomach for it, you can enter a separate site called www.jesusdressup.com, which makes the Jesus Dress Up Kit look like Little Orphan Annie paper dolls.

The separate site is called FINAL JUSTICE and again Jesus is hanging on the cross, waiting to be dressed.  Except this time the costumes available are even more insulting, more degrading, the most contemptible things a diseased mind can devise:

ˇ                    a Nazi uniform [Uh oooohh. How'd they find that page? *blushes again*]

ˇ                    a clown's suit [Christ, do they even know that's John Wayne Gacy? Stupid fucks.]

ˇ                    panties and a bra [Marilyn Manson. I worked hard on that!]

ˇ                    a Ku Klux Klan Robe [Is that bad?]

ˇ                    and a T-shirt bearing the inscription NAMBLA, which is an international society of men who molest boys [It seems like I should be ashamed, doesn't it? But I'm not? Do I have a problem? Nah... it's everyone else.]

Smith's website is full of e-mails from believers who have been deeply shocked and hurt by what he's said and done.  He reprints these letters with obvious glee. [This written by someone who would never dream of allowing the opposition space to debate]  He enjoys thumbing his nose at people like us. [Yes. Very true. And I'm doing it again. Right here. Right now.]


[And for everyone who pays the $20 gets to have their name attached to misinformation and mediocre writing- furthermore, furthermore, furthermore....]

They've Apologized Before:  Let's Make Them Apologize Again
[Oh Christ. Are they serious? They want an apology? This is so fucking childish.]

In researching this project, I discovered that Urban Outfitters makes a business of offending people ­ undoubtedly to please the in-your-face, spoiled-rotten adolescents [Ouch! That's you people! I'd be pissed if I were you reading this!] who constitute most of the company's customers.

Less than a year ago, the company sold a board game called Ghettopoly that hurt and angered the Black community.  Here is a description of the game by the manufacturer:

Buying stolen properties, pimpin hoes, building crack houses and projects, paying, protection fees and getting car jacked are some of the elements of the game.  Not dope enough?   If you don't have the money that you owe to the loan shark you might just land yourself in da Emergency Room. [Wait! Now I'm totally offended! I hope they banned this horrible product!]

After Black leaders complained that Ghettopoly was racist and an insult to Black city dwellers, Urban Outfitters pulled the game. [Yay! Now I can sleep tonight. Yawn.]

Earlier this year, Urban Outfitters released a line of ethnic t-shirts, featuring the language EVERYONE LOVES A JEWISH GIRL surrounded by dollar signs.

The Anti-Defamation League wrote to Urban Outfitters to complain that the shirt reinforced a negative association between Jews and money and, as such, perpetuated an offensive stereotype.

Urban Outfitters apologized and discontinued the line.

Where is our apology? Whaaaaaaa!
Cry-babies.

Well, what's good for the politically-correct goose is good for the decent God-fearing gander. [Oh! Clever analogy! Way to connect with your hillbilly audience] Urban Outfitters is going to apologize and once your Insta-Faxes [You know they're giggling to themselves everytime they say that. "Insta-Faxes"... I love it!] start pouring in and our press releases pour out to over 20,000 media outlets and personalities, they're going to take that offensive product off the shelves.

The predators ["predators?" Wouldn't you agree that that label takes a lot of weight out of a word that used to refer to child molesters and rapists?] at Urban Outfitters are disgusting, opportunistic and viciously greedy. "Cough! Laptoplobbyists! Cough cough!"  They are willing to exploit naked bigotry -- whether anti-Christian or anti-black or anti-parent -- for cold, hard cash.  They represent the darkest impulses in contemporary America.

When Richard Hayne started his business in 1970, he called it "The Free Peoplešs Store" ­ a name that appealed to the hippies and counter-culture freaks that were swarming all over the country at the time Damn hippies! -- burning schools, blowing up police stations, and trashing decent hard-working folks everywhere.

That era has long past, but Hayne apparently still lives in it, still wants to tear down this country and its most sacred institutions, still wants to make trouble for trouble's sake.

O.K., if he wants trouble, let's give it to him in a big way! [Oh Laptop Lobbyists. You pawns you.]  Let's speak with one voice, telling him we won't allow Jesus Christ or any other religious figure to be ridiculed just to line his pockets and the pockets of some creep who runs around dressed in a Halloween costume. [Yay! That's me!]

Together, we can strike a blow for all that is good and decent.

Chris Carmouche
christopher@laptoplobbyist.com
2020 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W., Suite 3270,
Washington, D.C. 20006
703-690-4545
703-690-2059 FAX