Everyone is special,
some are just more special than others.
Stewart, when I received
your initial email (July 24, 2001) I took your compliments with
a grain of salt for they were soon followed by a request for a plug
and an invitation to link your site. Despite the teaser description:
"Writings about my artwork which talks about God living
in BMW's and stuff" I visited your site anyway.
Your front page is a
resume followed by a descriptive account of all of the wonderful
things that I was about to experience here.
out your site and appreciating the fine, fine humor and good
vibes. I am an artist who appreciates unconventional viewpoints
on God/spirituality when they are expressed to ride the razor's
edge of taste and humor, as your site does. I admire your selfless
social work in helping people look at things in new ways. I
really enjoy Jesus Dressup, mainly for the baffling code. I
don't know if you enjoy art, but if you like, you can check
out my own site to see and read about my artwork, which talks
about God living in BMWs and stuff.
Because you love pictures, you can use the one of me on my front
page if you decide to. I also enjoy riveting discourse if you
care to correspond. I am not a sexy female.
I clicked on, and
briefly read more of your credentials along with the events of
your day to day life. This concluded with a promise that you would
someday be more exciting and provocative.
Starving for an image
other than your wind-blown hair show in shades, I pressed onward
to your work. I probably clicked on two pieces, counted
my losses and filed your letter under "Other".
course it is me, Bobby. I wanted to capture for you my
true feelings when I think about all of the nasty things
I can do to Jesus when I go to your wicked, wicked web
page. Just thinking about it, and thinking about you,
makes me want to do wicked things to myself! My name is
Hildegaard. I didn't plan to contact you, for you see,
I am a sister of the Holy Order of the Sisters of Perpetual
Indulgence, and if our Holy Mother were ever to discover
a liason between me and any man, virtual or actual, I
would be eschewed by the Order from the nunnery forever.
I never believed I would experience temptation, but after
I first encountered your site, a burning passion welled
up within me which I cannot control, and now I must see
Jesus shamed and tortured! I must! It gets so hot and
steamy under my habit that I have to sit in front of the
computer in my
Oh, the terrible and wonderful shame of it! Because
the nunnery is located on a small island in the remote
south Pacific, we can never be together, Normal Bob,
and I must shamefully satify my wicked, carnal desires
by myself. The most I could do for you is to send you
a photo of me. I hope you are not disgusted by it -
I want to make you happy with me. I know that I can
never be a "cool chick" from outer space, for I am but
a lowly servant of the Lord, and a shamefully sinful
one at that! But I hope you will think of me at times,
as I will be thinking shameful thoughts of you often.
There is one thing I must humbly request of you: In
order to redeem myself of my sins, I am promoting the
web site of another humble servant of the lord who speaks
His message in his art. He is already nearly collapsing
beneath the load of the 15-20 hits per day he receives,
but a link from your exalted site would help to spread
His light to the multitudes!
be in my prayers and fantasies forever, Normal Bob!!
one month later you sent another correspondence only this time as
the make-believe character Hildegard- the hot and horny fan. I winced
as I recalled your aforementioned "wind-blown" image while
I read through all of the sexual feelings and desires you describe
at great length.
it off with another plug request and I couldn't tell if you were
trying to be funny or misleading. Having not succeeded at either,
I started up a file that I titled "Stew Ellington" in
the preexisting folder "Special People Club". This file
would begin to grow as the days and months went on.
I remember responding
to your Hildegard letter in short, asking about who you REALLY were
and hopefully some sort of explanation of what you were trying to
Perhaps you have
forgotten that I sent you my picture already? It is a very
shameful and humbling picture, and I am not surprised that
you would overlook it, so I am sending it to you again. It
shames to me see it again myself, but if it will make you
happy, it is my pleasure to send it to you. In case you are
not satisfied, I will also send to you in another email a
picture of myself and the other sisters performing our morning
penance. Also, I believe my artist friend would not mind your
sampling his photo from his homepage at http://stewellington.com/Homepage.html,
if it so pleases you. He is a messenger of the Lord with a
most generous spirit. Normal Bob, the Holy Mother is about
and I fear she may discover my transgressions with you - I
will now go perform my evening prayers to ask His forgiveness
and ask Him to deliver this planet from the ignorance which
envelops it. I know you are a great warrior on the crusade
against ignorance, despite your deliciously wicked web pages!
Yours in His light,
Howdy Normal Bob,
I wanted to send
you a very sincere and appreciative letter for constructing
such a very entertaining and perhaps important(?) site. I
have been enjoying your sardonic and seemingly inexhaustable
creative ability as well as your astute/hilarious retorts
to Hate letters for a couple of months now, with a growing
admiration for your authentic manner of self-expression.
Being a thinking
artist myself, I appreciate your motivated attacks on certain
ignorant sectors of society. In my own work, I also take an
ironic look at spirituality, although I'm thinkin' maybe I
put a little more stock in the need for spirituality which
people, as a species, have demonstrated like forever. I read
another letter someone had sent which suggested you make your
attacks on what I would call "Church-ianity" a bit more clear,
so people understand better that what bothers you is dogmatism
and ignorance, rather than spiritual belief itself. I'm wondering
if you ever look at your own creative process as a magical
process? I'm certain you must find spiritual gratification
in it, whether you decide to define it in those sorts of terms
or not. I'd like to know what you think about that.
Anyhoo, I would
think perhaps an aspiring artist like myself, a person of
impeccable taste who likes to be connected with good work
and who feels an affinity with your creative motivation, might
find himself doing things to get linked to your site, such
as jokingly disguising himself as a delinquent nun named Hildegaard
(for the purpose of *entertainment* and not *deception*),
sending cool/exotic pictures which he knows make you happy,
etc. etc., while all the time he is in fact a "real" fan,
and probably justs wants to have that in the open with you,
whether or not you decide to publish his letters. Hmm...yes.
Thanks for being
It was the last "link
seeking" email (displayed at right) you sent me a few days ago
that interested me enough to finally respond.
I am the one sitting
closest to the camera, in the back row. In secret love, Hilde
So let me begin by saying
that whenever someone starts talking about "spirituality",
my mind goes to work contriving a list of excuses to run very fast.
I've done the "imaginary bumble bee chase" and "left
cake in oven dash".
I find the word "spirituality"
to be pretentious and silly. I am an atheist Stew. To me "spirituality"
is the equivalent to faith healers, psychics and alien abductions.
I am going to assume
that your repeated attempts to get me at your site were so that
I would give you a blunt opinion of your work. But before I do I
will tell you that my expectations were set high as a result of
your persistence, your Bachelor's degree in art, and the raving
reviews that you've given yourself on the art that you have made.
You have humbly described
your collection as "addressing the ideas of language, spirituality
and consciousness as well as addressing the concept of language
as a cognitive to which determines identity. Not only that but it
speaks of what it means to live in a technologically advanced society
of consumables as it comments on your own identity as a painter
operating within the contexts of grand ideas and digitally produced
I would title this
one: "7 Years of Schooling"
Stewart, it's a cross.
It's clip-art you've taken of a car. It's someone else's art that
you've copied, altered and called your own.
I am going to tell you
this in an attempt to save your life. STOP YOUR SCHOOLING
IMMEDIATELY! Your pieces have only been thrown together so that
you could write a thesis on them!
Not Stewart's images.
Someone else's images.
There is little effort,
zero struggle and an anxiousness to fill space quickly so that you
can begin theorizing. Not only are you taking other people's art,
but you're taking the same pieces again and again! This car image
showed up in 3 of your projects! Not your car
image, someone else's car image. Most of your pieces are
slight manipulations of other people's stuff! If I had drawn that
car, I'd feel robbed. You've got SEVEN years of art education
under your belt?! This is a travesty! Fire the teachers! Throw your
paint at the walls! Take whatever it is that makes you think you're
an artist and try drawing something! No more theses. People
don't want to read your reviews of yourself.
Stewart Lane Ellington.
You are now a member of the Special People Club.
Oh yeah, here's
that link you've been requesting: http://stewellington.com
Stewart Lane Ellington's response
image. Someone else's image.