I know I'm a sinner because...
I have enough confidence to make baby Jesus cry.

List of top 3 sins I have to confess.
1. I like to scream out "Jesus fuck!" because I like the way it sounds.
2. I'm secretly addicted to shitty reality dating shows like A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.
3. I got kicked out of Sunday school at a young age for beating up a little boy.

List of top 3 things I did for Jesus this week:
1. Robbed an abortion clinic.
2. Had sex with a gay man. This is my version of evangelizing.
3. I baked muffins!

My favorite miracle that I've experienced is...
Crest whitening strips.

The music I enjoy that praises Jesus most is...
Wednesday 13.

The greatest gift God gave me is...
the ability to have multiple orgasms.

The thing that Jesus loves most about me is... my awesome mohawk.

Heaven for me will be...
my closet, but 50 times bigger.

Hell is so terrible because...
I don't know about you, but after a long night of partying, my feet fucking HURT.

The thing I'd like most to tell Satan is...
"your place or mine?"

The thing I'd like most to tell Jesus is...
"you're my BEST imaginary friend!"

The non-believer I'm most concerned about is Normal Bob because...
he makes Satan jealous.

Normal Bob is important to me because...
he's such a sexy beast.