I know I'm a sinner because...
i have this discomfort in my genitals, like an aching burn that erupts into full blown, smegmatic pain and confusion. that's sin, right? i mean, that's what my pastor said when he conducted that "in depth" examination. he said i needed more of "the lord inside me".

List of top 3 sins I have to confess.
1. masturbating with human bones (a form of necrophilia?)
2. losing my virginity to the family dog at age 5 (bestiality?)
3. openly fucking in front of young children (i don't even know where to begin categorizing that one)

List of top 3 things I did for Jesus this week:
3. peed in the bushes in front of some church before passing out on their tulips
2. wiped the biggest booger i've ever seen on a crucifix
1. farted in an elevator filled with midget nuns

My favorite miracle that I've experienced is...
coffee, japan, starbucks iced chai lattes, duck billed platypi, anal elasticity, hollywood, suicidal rap orgy, aids, blumpies, combichrist, the perversity of certain fruits, baboon asses - i mean, WHAT THE FUCK???

The music I enjoy that praises Jesus most is...
I LOVE MASHUPS!! i also love electro shit like adult, mt. sims, jer ber jones, gravy train, punk bunny, avenue d, oops i fucked your dog, ladytron, scissor sisters, the faint, she wants revenge, crack we are rock, dirty tickle, miss kittin, peaches... but then i can't stop listening to gay hardhouse, digi hardkwhore, gabber, techno and industrial...such as the berzerker, noisex, unit 187, combichrist, neophyte, delta 9, dj tameil, submerge 101, hot carlson, dj panzerfaust, rotterdam terror corps, dj tron, dj swamp, submerge 101, thomas krome, apocalypse theater, atari teenage riot, alec empire, lolita storm, mistress barbara, the mad capsule markets, cari lekebusch, mindless self indulgence, conjoined twin burial plot, swamp terrorists, libido airbag, disrupted beat, suicidal rap orgy, diodegeist, prototype 909, front line assembly, bozo porno circus, andreas kramer, daft punk, kid entropy ...rap crap like mc paul barman, mc chris, fannypack, tech n9ne, eminem, rahzel, outkast, deltron 3030, necro, princess superstar, 2 live crew, missy elliot, jam pony express, ... punk shit like state of fear, disrupt, raooul, dahmer, doom, decrypt, code 13, the locust, all of mike patton's projects (most notably mr. bungle & tomahawk), deceived ... metal like sepultura, 7000 dying rats, L7, gwar, system of a down, twisted sister, ... weird shit like gogol bordello, spike jones, reverend glasseye and his wooden legs, elvis hitler, secret chiefs 3, alamaailman vasarat .. . geniuses like danny elfman, rob zombie, dr. steel & goblin ... classics like alice cooper, queen, guns 'n' roses, joan jett, lords of acid, ramones, richard hell & the voidoids, slayer, the clash, crass, thrill kill, the cramps... i've got a huge musical erection.

The greatest gift God gave me is...
.the realization, at a very young age, that if i cried throughout sunday school, i'd never have to go back. i mean, god damn, i was a smart kid.

The thing that Jesus loves most about me is...
like most pervs, he's really into my ass... or at least that's what he was shouting as he gave it to me from behind for hours last night. maybe i should add his stamina to my list of miracles, too bad i can't say the same about this penis size. 

Heaven for me will be...
well, i wouldn't have to worry about that cuz' i'd live forever.

Hell is so terrible because...
we wake up to it everyday - it's inevitable and inescapable.

The thing I'd like most to tell Satan is...
"see you again tomorrow!"

The thing I'd like most to tell Jesus is...
".it's called soap, you fuckin' hippie. use it!"

The non-believer I'm most concerned about is Normal Bob because...
i'm a bit more concerned about my anal leakage at the moment... i'll get back to that one later.

Normal Bob is important to me because...
he makes NYC less annoying. he makes jesus funny and satan cute. he makes children cry, underage alternateens swoon and old ladies faint. he makes great art and makes people THINK for a fucking change.

The reason I'd like to invite Normal Bob over to pray with me is because...
well, there are a few reasons. 
1. i "pray" naked.
2. horns make good "oh shit" handles (*wink wink*)
3. he's got an entourage of hot, underage schoolgirls, hankerin' for some grade a, quality sin. right this way, ladies