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that must be missed.
Mel's an interesting fella. I knew that I'd hit the nail on the head
(and right through to the wood) when I reviewed "What Women Want" just a couple
years ago. This drop dead gorgeous heartthrob has never played a
character who was any less than Christ-like. I was totally intrigued
with his portrayal of "evil." He chose to use these little dwarves with
ugly genetic diseases to depict the demons and helpers of Satan. These
things put that Leprechaun guy to shame. I couldn't help but wonder how
these people were approached to play these roles... especially by
someone as gorgeous as Mel.
Mel: "We're looking for actors
who are creepy as hell and hideously grotesque to play the spawn of
Satan, and you li'l fellas totally fit the bill!"
I love thinkin' about that kind of shit. God, I hate Mel Gibson. And I was so happy
that I'd gone wearing my protest.
I'll tell ya, if you're wanting to
go see this movie just to see what all of the hype is about, wait for
VHS... in the dollar bin at your local grocery. And please don't go
thinking it's a neat way to somehow be a part of history. This flick
does not deserve such a validating statement from 21st century modern
man.
The only reason to go see it is to
protest. To simply be another dollar in the pocket of Lethal Weapon 8
has to be the highest level of perversion known to man, unless it's in
protest.
A couple weeks ago Skater Bob and
I stood outside of a movie theater that was playing "The Passion" and
handed out Jesus Dress Up fliers to people.
"You've seen the movie, now
dress Him up!" & "Play Mel Gibson's Jesus Dress
Up!" We shouted.
We got some giggles and we got
some angry protests.
And let me remind everybody that I
was cashing in on Jesus' sacrifice long before Mel. In fact, he's the
one trying to cash in on my magnet success! They're all trying to cash
in on my idea!
Everyone!
Copycat bastards!
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I'm always up for a good
love story. |
I'm
sure no one would argue that there are an alarming number of
similarities between me and Jesus Christ. I mean, it just goes without
saying, heh heh.
As
the self-proclaimed "God of Atheism," I have been taunted and ridiculed
by hate mailers, my good name besmirched on the television, then
forsaken by Urban Outfitters and left to hang, crucified to the
metaphoric cross I have constructed with my own two hands (fridge
magnets). Who better, I ask you, to critique Jesus Christ than the one
whose life runs parallel to it?
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Before
the movie even started I couldn't help but identify with Christ as I
was verbally persecuted by the audience behind me.
"What
the hell do you think you're doin"? They hissed.
"Show some fucking respect mother fucker!" (All
actual quotes).
I
couldn't figure out why everyone was so upset with me. Were they
judging me simply because of the way I looked? I was here to see Jesus
Christ's hot-n-steamy tale of PASSION! This is just not a kind world
for a hopeless romantic like myself. My only words to them were, of
course: "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."
So
with a popcorn and soda in hand I settled in for what I assumed was
going to be an erotic, passionate romance pulled from the life and
times of Jesus Christ.
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"They did THAT to
Him?!? Yuk!"
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People,
let me say this now, HOLY SHIT!
I have a warning for all of you couples out there; THIS IS NOT A
DATE MOVIE! There's no sex! No nudity! In fact, I've never seen a
movie with less passionate love scenes than this one! Hardly two
minutes into "The Passion," Jesus gets yanked out of His sandals and
thrust into some of the most shit-outta-luck predicaments you could
ever imagine! A total rip-rourin', head bangin', limb-from-limb-pullin'
gangbang unlike anything you've ever seen before! Man, was my face red!
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I was like, "WHAT - THE -
FUCK!?!" |
"Oh shit, are you guys in trouble!
Wait'll you see all the magic powers Christ has up His sleeve for you
chumps!" |
As
I sat there watching Jesus Christ get torn to shreds I couldn't believe
it! What horrible people everybody was back then! And they never let
up! It's like: "Hey, don't blaspheme God, now we're gonna make you
wish you'd never been born!"
And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!"
And
I kept waiting for Jesus to teach all of these mo'fo's a lesson. I was
thinkin' "Oh man, wait'll they really piss Jesus off! They're gonna
pay for that one!" And then they'd just keep kickin' and whippin'
Him all over the place... and He didn't do shit! It was unbelievable! "What
the hell is going on?" I yelled! "Do something Jesus! What are
you waiting for? Kill them with your powers! What's wrong with you!?!?"
And
he never did crap. He just kept forgiving them and apologizing for
them. I'll warn you now, don't get popcorn and soda before hand. If
anything, bring a box of tissues and a fucking barf bag! You're gonna
need it.
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But
then I remembered Rosalinda Celentano was in this movie. Oh my God,
Rosa is so fucking HOT! With her head completely shaven (brows and
all), she had an attitude that'd bring the most jaded domanatrix to her
knees begging for more. My darling red Rose. Everything was gonna be
all right as soon as she entered the picture. She kept giving these
Cheshire grins and sneaky glares. You just knew she was biding her time
before she leaped in to save JC from the Jews. You couldn't help but be
drawn to her despite the maggots in her nostril and the hideous
freak-babies she cradled in her arms. I wanted to be the president of
her fan club. Oh how I love her!
And
then I was like... "Uh, she's not on Jesus' side, is she?" And
I started thinkin' : "Oh shit! She's Satan!"
|
Hot and spicy Rosalinda
Celentano |
Then I began to worry. I looked down and remembered how I'd come
dressed to this thing, and I nervously peered over my shoulder at the
crowd. Everyone was totally hatin', and I was like, "Uh...
ohhhhhhh!" |
"What the hell is going
on?" I yelled! "Do something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them
with your powers! What the hell are you waiting for!?!?" |
I
started to think that maybe this time I'd gotten in a little over my
head. When these people see their god being murdered by the devil,
well, let's just say that there didn't seem to be an exit close enough
for me to escape unscathed. I was shakin' my head and laughin' to
myself. What a goof I'd made this time!
When
this movie finally ended I realized I had NOT just seen the movie I was
expecting to see. As the last credits lifted into the ceiling I stood
up angry and turned to the people behind me so that they could all
clearly see my frowny-face. No one made eye contact with me. Then as I
was putting on my jacket, a full Coca-cola flew by head (no joke). I
could hear the wind by my right ear, and it exploded on the floor in
front of me. I didn't even flinch. I was still fuming over getting
suckered in by the misleading title!
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Did you know that they LITERALLY
nailed Him to that thing? Christ! I didn't! Ouch! |
I
turned to look again and the guilty gangsta had his head pulled down
into his oversized puffy jacket.
"That must mean God's on my side!" I stated loud enough.
As
him & his girlfriend strolled by our aisle, I walked out close
behind. I was astonished that this little fella (5 foot 4 tops) fell
back so readily from defense of his god. He scurried out the door ahead
of me.
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In
the end, I have to admit, I was sure happy that that Coke hadn't
smacked me upside the head. I couldn't help but suppose that if instead
it'd been Christ on the receiving end He would have been pelted square
in the face. It just seemed to be the way His luck had been goin' that
day.
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Dear
Bob Smith....
You misguided individual...I genuinely feel sorry for you. Yea! I am a
Bible Thumper...And Yea, it is cool to be a Cristian, and No Jesus will
not be mocked without Him getting awefully pissed off! Your Jesus
fridge magnet thing is JUST PLAIN WRONG! Especially seeing Jesus on
the cross like that! Yea...ok...seenig the devil hanging on the cross
would be mighty righteous, and someday he may be begging for it after
he sees what Jesus Christ has instore for him. But mocking Our Lord on
the cross is just disgusting! Do you even know why God the Father send
His Son to die on the cross? Has anyone ever taught you that the reason
He suffered so treacherously was for YOU!? He died for each of US PAST
PRESENT AND FUTURE...(those who were born in His time...before His
time...and those in the future of His death). Jesus so sincerly
suffered having his body mutilated ... ripped to shreds by being
whipped and crucified...having a crown made of thorns POUNDED into his
skull JUST FOR YOU! He died so that your soul would never have to
suffer the PAINS OF HELL! Hell is so unimanginable, it would make you
puke your guts out if you knew what happens to those who are sent
there. OK...hypothetically speaking...would you rather live in squallor
under a dumpster, scavaging for other peoples garbage to eat, or would
you rather live in an awesome penthouse somewhere, without ever having
to worry about bills, or where your next meal is coming from, or what
you will wear?
This
is why Jesus died for you...all the 'bills or debts of you soul' are
ALREADY PAID OFF!!! Because of what Jesus has done for you! He is our
'ebinezer'. Back in ancient times, some kindly beneficiary who was
willing to take on another person's debt in order to save them from
severe retribution was called and 'ebinezer' or debt payer. Tell me
this...would YOU be willing to have your flesh pulled off in huge
strips, have spikes pounede into your hands and feet...have people spit
on you and hurl insults to you and have a spear thrust into your ribs
for a thankless bunch of people or even a close friend (only one
person?). Think about it...YOU are that one person...as well as each
person from eternity and beyond! Jesus knows exactly WHO YOU ARE! He
knows every fibre of your being...He knows everythought that was ever
in your mind...or that will ever be. He felt it when someone hurt you,
he felt your tears, he felt your broken heart, he knows your poverty of
soul and spirit, and as a Loving Friend, He wants you to be whole and
healthy and happy. If you will only ask it of Him. HONESTLY! ask one
who knows...me! I was into all sorts of evil things that was making
satan the happiest piece of stench in the world! And that's exactly who
the majority of the world belongs to right now...satan. But those who
persue a life with Christ may not necessarily be the richest or
happiest IN THIS WORLD, but we have Jesus ' PROMISE OF A HAPPY,
WEALTHY, ETERNAL life with Him in His kingdom after we are called to be
with Him. (but that's a whole other story...very lengthy) But
basically...Jesus gereously gave his own life for us, so that we will
not have to suffer the pains of hell.
Have
you ever seen the 'Passion of the Christ' film? if not...lets
put it this way...I DARE YOU TO SEE IT. I truely dare you to see this
film and not have it change your heart a little bit.
I
as a Christian and Friend
L. Kester @www.rapturelady7@aol.com
"Christianity...the
toughest job you'll ever love"
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Mrs.
Kester,
I am about to blow your mind right now. Listen to this: I went to see
the Passion, and I watched it all from start to finish, and my heart
WAS indeed moved! Unfortunately it was only moved in a direction
further away from the bible and its incredible stories.
"What?!
How could that be?!" You ask abruptly. "How could anybody sit
through that movie and not fall for it, hook, line and sinker?!?!"
Well,
L.K, get a load of this. Mel Gibson's movie proved nothing to me except
that it's the amount of suffering that matters, and not whether it
actually happened. I walked away from this film with a friend, both of
us utterly disturbed at the thought of people regressing back to
primitive superstitions on account of those disturbing images.
I
have a question for you. Wouldn't've Mel's time been better spent doing
what Michael Moore did? He could have used that budget and drive to
research the authenticity of the bible, compiled the evidence and
proved it all true! What a wonderful contribution that would have been
for those who witness to the lost and fallen. It would have been a
ground breaking film, instead of just a retold story, only with better
special effects this time.
Mel
could've really proved his point and even gotten cocky about it,
defeating the lies (manifested by Satan) and used his power to
accumulate the greatest collection of pro bible evidence the world has
ever seen, crushing the evil scientists who've denounced Creationism
for oh so many years, leaving them to writhe in there own
misinformation.
Mrs.
L? Why didn't Mel make that movie? Unfortunately I think I know the
answer to that question (and so do you). Because none of that
information exists, so the only other way to perpetuate the myth is by
fucking with people's fears, insecurities and superstitions. This is
the movie I witnessed and it only solidified my belief that it is all
make-believe.
Bob
PS.
Someone should make a 2 hour movie of Santa crying so that adults will
believe in him also.
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Normal Bob Smith gives Mel Gibson $10.50 to see his movie!