that can't be missed.

There is another story going on here. Because of Geraldine, the family has had to move into a new, sleazier neighborhood and a smaller apartment. Brother Neil is having to start a new school and is trying to make friends. His dream is to make it into the talent show (playing a jazzy tune on the piano that his dad wrote) so that he can hang with the drama club. Enter Courtney Gains as Joe.
Joe: "Hey dig this Piano Man" referring to Neil "P.S. bad news. Wendy Wellington, the blond with two dozen fingers, she's comin' up against you." Wow, this cat talks the talk and walks the walk. It's especially exciting when Joe and Geraldine meet for the first time.
Joe shows up at Neils home unexpectedly. We see him through the door's peep hole wearing a Grocho mask smoking an imaginary cigar. But the fun has only just begun. Neil invites his new friend into his home, but before you know it Freakshow comes dashing around the corner. She leaps onto Joe clinging to him with both arms and legs laughing and screaming in her usual "stark raving mad" way. There's a struggle, Neil wrestles her away and sends her to her room. Courtney Gains (Joe) is left bewildered. He looks around, then at the ground,
"What did she say? How do you unda'stand her?!?" Joe asks the questions you and I aren't brave enough to ask.

Dear Courtney,
I was wondering what you could tell me about your role as "Joe" in the after school special "Welcome Home Jellybean". How old were you? What was Dana Hill like? What do you think of that project? I'd love to hear anything that you remember from that time. A big fan.

Talk about a blast from the past! I don't remember much, but I remember it being a fun part to do. The cool thing about getting cast was that I was the exact opposite of what they originally wanted.

I think I was 18/19? Dana Hill was really great to work with and know. I really liked the project. It ended up winning some awards which was great. Take care!

Courtney Gains

And there is one final letter that I received that touched me more than any other.

Summary: Jellybeans are cool.

I love this movie. It is very dear to my heart, because she is just like my sister, Marni. My parents hospitalized her for three years, but they couldn't afford it so they brought her back home. And my parents have cried every day since.

Oshkosh, WI

Starring: Dana Hill, Deborah May (also appeared in Johny Be Good), Burke Burnes, Christopher Collet, Courtney Gains Director: Robert Mandel

Let me start by saying that the only reason that this movie isn't #1 is because it was made for TV. Don't panic! It can be viewed right here on YouTube! The pictures bad and the audio sucks (Isuggest using headphones) but it's the best copy you'll probably ever get to see on planet earth. It first aired on CBS in 1984 (American Playhouse Theater) and it starred Dana Hill (God rest her soul) in one of her first rolls ever.


This is the story of Geraldine Oxley, a mentally handicapped 13 year old who has spent her entire life in an institution (thanks mom & dad). You are not going to see a politically correct portrayal of the mentally handicapped Hollywood stereotype. No. Dana utilizes her God given talents to imitate, mock and make fun of retards and plays nothing short of a sideshow circus geek.

Dana Hill

The movie begins with her family (mom, dad & older brother) arguing about the decision they've made. They're taking Dana... ahem, I mean Geraldine home.

There's a loud "Oh my God!" cry from mom and we see Geraldine for the very first time. Let me tell you, Dana gives it all she's got. The camera moves up from her pigeon toed feet, past the gimpish arms to her tongue chewing, drool smeared face with cowlicks as far as the eye can see. Then, at the sight of her family, she begins waving her arms in the air screaming with joy.

"GA GOO, GA GOO, MISS MAA, MISS MAA, DOOGLE DOOGLE!" because she is so happy to see her family again. It's a sight to behold to say the least.

The opening credits take place during the drive home. Geraldine is bouncing in her seat the whole way.
"MAMOO MAMOO! WALKY TALKY! WALKY TALKY! MAJRAPATARI, NAJA NAJA!" She screams as they drive by a couple horseback riders.
Neil, her brother: "Mom, do you understand what she's sayin'?"
Mom: "I think she's saying that she's never seen a horse before, ha ha."
Then after much bouncing and shouting Geraldine stops, stares blankly and starts vomiting. Those crazy retards.
At the next scene they're cleaning up the mess at a rest stop. It is here that we become aware that dad isn't too "gung-ho" about this whole thing. He pouts as he is wiping up puke with an old rag. Is this going to be the story of a special little girl bringing together a family as one or the twisted tale of a family being divided by a retard? Oh you just wait.

Inside their building, they enter the crowded elevator. Geri sees her brother press the button by the door. "Monkey see monkey do" Geri reaches out and presses more buttons. Alarms sound and everyone starts to scream hysterically like there's rotating knives in there with them. Just one of the many entertaining "Jellybean" moments that this flick has to offer.
Geri, dad and Neil

Scarves protect Geri from herself
During the first night, Neil is awakened by a banging sound. He gets up, grabs a bat and begins walking down the darkened hallway. It's coming from Geri's room. He opens the door stunned to see his little sister on all fours banging her empty cranium on the headboard of her bed.
"Geri stop it... CUT IT OUT!" Neil yells, quite disturbed by this. It is later explained to him by mom,
"Geri can't do things the way other kids can. Less smarts doesn't mean less feelings. When she tries to talk to us and we don't understand her, or especially when people laugh at her, she gets hurt. Banging her head like this is her way of dealing with it."
SOLUTION: Wrap her head in scarves.

The next day starts as usual. Everyone is searching the house for Neil's homework assignment that Geri has hidden somewhere.
Neil: "OK, Geri! Enough! I'm late! Now where did you put my report?"
Geraldine shrugging her shoulders: "Ada da da va da!"
Oh yeah, she's retarded
It becomes clear that Geri's behavior is beginning to wear on Neil and his grades, but that's not all. She has also been disrupting his piano lessons. As dad and son are rehearsing the big talent show number, Gimpy climbs onto the piano and starts to hump it. After being scolded she walks to the center of the room, begins shaking her legs and (hold on to your bootstraps) a steady stream of urine runs down her ankle onto the floor. The camera pans up to the twitching facial expression that you see here>>.
It's one of the greatest moments ever caught on film.

The stress gets to be too much for ol' dad. He packs up and leaves, visiting only with his son in a predetermined park facility. The parks in this movie are over loaded with sport's fans. As father and son are sitting at a picnic table, there are several kids in the background each playing a different sport (golf, baseball, soccer, football, jogging, etc...). It's the busiest park you've ever seen!
Anyway, dad is not coming back and he wants Neil to leave mom too. What a fine example of a father.

There's a scene in the lunchroom when the school's bully "Beef" makes fun of Neil's sister,
"Are you a retardo like your sister?"
At this, Neil picks up a piece of pizza and smears it in Beef's face. Then Joe yells out "FOOD FIGHT!" and the mayhem begins!
It brought me back to those days when at any given moment someone could yell out "FOOD FIGHT!" and everyone would start hurling mashed potatoes at their classmates. Oh, the memories.

Finally it is time for the big talent show. Neil is nervous as hell.
Hosting the night's event is our very own Joe (see side bar).
Joe: "Hey, Hi, I'm Joe Newborn, I'm MC-ing the show tonight. Welcome to the Franklin Follies!"

Faceless voice from crowd: "Hey Joe, how ya' doin'!"
Joe: "Hey, how's it goin'!" Gosh Joe is popular!

Now if you're lucky enough to have found an unedited copy of this movie, it is here that you'll get to see a classic, 80s style breakdancing number. Yeah folks, this is what Hip-hop used to be.

Then it's time for Neil. Everything seems to be going all right... until... freakshow comes tearing down the aisle headed straight for Neil.
she screams. The crowd starts to mock her,
"Jellybean! Jellybean! Jellybean! Jellybean! " they chant (for some reason even the adults take part in this mockery).
Mom drags her away kicking and screaming and Neil is left humiliated.

That night, Neil is kept up by Geri, futilely pounding her scarf-wrapped noggin against the headboard. It's more than he can bare. He packs up his things to go live with his dad. But by the time dad arrives to pick him up, Neil has changed his mind.
Unable to to convince dad to change his mind, Neil heads back inside.

In the elevator a neighbor stops him,
Neighbor: "You know that sister of yours brought my dog a little snack the other day. He loved every bite but he isn't one for marshmallows. She's (Geraldine's) really coming along."
Neil: "Yeah she is...." long pause "Welcome home Jellybean" he whispers "Welcome home."

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. Dad left the family and Joe's talent show dreams got shot out of the sky. But somehow, Geri having fed the neighbor dog marshmallows was an appropriate ending for this director. And if it's enough for him then I'll buy it too. Everyone's happy and Geri's got her marshmallows (the delicacy of retardos).

WORST MOVIE#10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1