that can't be missed.

What I love about this movie is that despite all of the tough customers that we see, Patrick is constantly having a switchblade pulled on him by some dorky white guy in a Hawaiian shirt. Then Dalton smashes their head into a table.


Dalton is so tough that some people start bleeding even before they've been hit. Check out the scene where the ex-bartender pulls a knife on Dalton in the office. Dalton halls back to punch the guy and before he's even been touched, blood is flowin' out this guys nose. Now that's tough!


Once again, in the great tradition of R rated 80s flicks, we got the staple strip joint scene halfway into the movie. And as usual the patrons are behaving completely inappropriate and the strippers love it.


 

ROAD HOUSE
1989
Starring: Patrick Swayze!

OK. I'm going to try and hold myself back from mentioning Patrick Swayze's name too often in this review. I just get so excited... you'll have to forgive me.

Patrick Swayze is "Dalton". He is known throughout the country as the badest mutha-fuckin' bouncer that there is (yes, I know, stay with me). $5,000 up front, $500 a night, all medical expenses covered and he runs the show. You want him, that's the price. Can't afford that? Then get lost. Well, the owner of the Double Deuce is willing to pay that price to clean up his brawl-a-night Kansas dive.

Like Malone, Dalton is a drifter who finds himself seeking room and board in a hick town held captive under the thumb of a greedy, millionaire zealot. The Double Deuce is one of the businesses being held hostage, but Dalton has to save this bar before he can save the town. So first things first.

Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) strolls into Double Deuce to assess the situation. A bar brawl breaks out, during which, Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) is leaning against a wall, untouched, shaking his head and smiling. He has obviously seen this sort of thing before.
When the club closes everyone begins to clean up the bloody mess. This is when Dalton reveals his identity to a dumbfounded crowd... it's so exciting!
Morgan, the head bouncer states, "I heard you had balls big enough to fit in a dump truck! But you don't look like much to me! Ha ha ha!"
Dalton replies "Opinions vary." And walks away.
Morgan is left speechless, mouth gaping open, guffawing stopped in it's tracks. Dalton is a man of few words. But when he chooses to speak, each letter carries much wisdom and a mean-ass sting. It is then that the owner of Double Deuce introduces Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) to the staff,
"I've hired the best damn cooler (head bouncer that keeps the other bouncers "cool") in the business (He's talking about Patrick Swayze!). He is now in charge of all bar business. What he says goes!"
At this, Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) flicks his cigarette away and begins firing employees.

Dalt: "Morgan, you're fired."
Morgan: "What the fuck you talkin' about!?!"
Dalt: "You don't have the right temperament for the trade."
Morgan Leaping from his chair: "You asshole! What am I supposed to do!?!"
Dalt: "There's always barber college." OUCH!
You see, Morgan has kind of a messy haircut, unlike Patrick Swayze's blow-dried, Chipendale wannabe, with bonus Superman curl stylings.

By the end of the night he has fired four total.
"You're a dead man!" they scream.
Later that evening when Dalton is going to his car he sees that his antenna has been snapped off. It's clear that these guys mean business.

Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) isn't just another pretty face super bouncer. The old man who's giving him room and board discovers that he is also a master at Ti-Chi. That's right! There's Patrick Swayze doing slow motion karate moves there in his front yard. It's the cherry on top of this overflowing Peanut Buster Parfait™!

Some of the best lines in this movie are delivered during his visit to the doctor's office. Patrick Swayze... ahem, I mean "Dalton" gets a gorgeous 22 year old, super model doctor to examine him. Tending to his wounds she begins the dialog that sold this script.

Dr: "So, how'd this happen?"
Dalt: "Natural causes." Too goddamn cool...
Dr: "Looks like a knife wound." Wow, she's good!
Dalt: "That's what they said." Presenting forth the police reports.
Dr: "So, you're a bouncer?"
Dalt: "Double Deuce."
Dr: "Nice place. They send a lot of business my way."
Dalt: "I'm hopin' to change that." He's playin' the I-got-a-mission card.
Dr: "All by yourself?" She says with a flirty smile. "Do you enjoy pain?"
Dalt: "Pain don't hurt." Fuck yeah man! Fuckin-A FUCK!
Dr: "You have a degree from NYU in philosophy. How does a guy like you end up a bouncer?"
Dalt: "Just lucky I guess" Heh-heh, good one... huh?
Dr: "Do you ever win a fight?"
Dalt: "Nobody ever wins a fight." Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) is the wisest man I've ever known.

About an hour into this movie I started to get a killer headache. I attributed it to the countenance of Patrick Swayze's face. My eyes started to haze over each time he appeared on screen. There was a blurry spot where his head should have been. I took a short break from the movie, had some soup, and when I returned, the visions had gone away.

So the Double Deuce becomes a hip, swingin' 80s night club. This included fancy "Wave" haircuts, shoulder padded jackets, and hats. Boy does this new crowd have eccentric taste in hats!
Job one accomplished. Now to save the town.

It all comes to a head when the millionaire (Brad Wesley) begins blowing up the businesses of the folks who aren't paying their dues. How this helps his cause is beyond me.
This includes blowing up the house that Dalton (Patrick Swayze!) is residing. This leads to several, well choreographed fight scenes. Very "West Side Story", only with rednecks.
And it peaks with Dalton's (Patrick Swayze's!)) legendary "Rip-out-the-throat-with-bare-hands" move.
And this movie concludes with every key towns member blowing a hole through the millionaire with a shotgun. Then Patrick Swayze skinny dips with the sexy doctor!

After this movie ended, I took a walk outdoors. I felt as if my aura declared that I was a man not to be fucked with. However I was extremely self conscious of my giant Patrick Swayze face and head. It's an odd feeling and I'm curious to know if this movie has the same effect on any of you. Email me

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WORST MOVIE#10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1