that can't be missed.



There's this sex shop/ whore house that everyone keeps coming back to. The doors are always unlocked, unguarded and the rooms where the sex takes place are free for anyone's viewing.

Like for instance, let's say that you're out looking for a lost friend or something. You can walk into this place and start looking in rooms to see if your friend's there. And when you open the door to glance in, the occupants are all facing the doorway and they stop whatever sex act they're engaging in and casually look up at you... no big deal.


There's the big- fat- dominatrix room...

the anorexic- girl- in- a- Phantom- of- the- Opera- mask room...

the guy- in- a- wheelchair room...

and even a 14- year- old- crack- whore- curled- up- in- the- fetal- position room.

And all you gotta do is open the door and look in.

But it's Not the place to go if you like to have your sex with hookers in private.



Email me with your movie suggestions.


Sometimes a movie just falls into my lap. It's never something that I can count on, but usually it is these movies that end up being the best of the worst. Such is the case with the movie I'm about to review.

When I first saw it several years ago on HBO, I had tuned in during a dreadfully awkward love scene between C. Thomas and his costar. I laughed, I cried, I winced and then I forgot about it... until last week. Last week was when I rented "Knights" starring Kris Kristofferson (Turned out not to be a "Worst to be seen"), and there in the previews was...

JAILBAIT
1993
Starring:
C. Thomas Howell &
Renée Humphrey

Somehow it had found itself back into my life, and this time I was listening.

Rating: All 5 Faces of Pity!
Pretentious Piece of Shit
The "C" is for Calm, Cool and Collected.
It's plain to see that he practiced his
"handsome scowl" in the mirror many times before shooting his scenes.

Touchy Subject Dragged Through the Mud
Lots and lots of 14 year old crack whores. It's the reason C. Thomas Howell wasn't going to let this script get away.

Washed Up Actor needs Money
You'd think that Ponyboy could get a job.

Broken Hollywood Thermostat Up your Butt
You liked it when it was Beverly Hills Cop, so there's no reason why it can't do the same thing for C. Thomas Howell's career.

Funny... but not "Ha ha" funny
C's delivery of humor is hard to pinpoint, but trust me, he's trying.

This is the always popular dramatic tale of a teenage girl running away to Hollywood for her shot at stardom. C. Thomas Howell plays Detective Sergeant Lee Teffler (but I'll be referring to him as C. Thomas Howell because that's what this is really about). He specializes in handling the underage hooker cases. And C. Thomas's Captain is none to happy with his renegade, free-stylin' policing. And this is something we're given a heapin' handful of in the first 10 minutes.

Flashing his badge, C. Thomas calmly informs a bank manager: "I just got a tip that you're about to be robbed."
Bank Mgr: "Can you stop them?"
C. Thomas (This line was dubbed-in as he peered through blinds): "If we catch them in the act they're gonna serve real time."
It doesn't really answer the bank manager's question, but when you're dubbing in lines, you're not paying attention to useless details like that. This movie is filled with these dubbed-in plot points.

You see, C. Thomas Howell's character is big on the "If we catch them in the act they're gonna serve real time" motto. He says it throughout this film again and again. I suspect that after the movie was all put together the editors decided that this would be another good spot to pop-in his catch-phrase.

So outside we see 2 guys stepping out of a car, putting on ski-masks, armed with semiautomatic rifles and heading towards the bank. C. Thomas (peering through the blinds at them) does his best Beverly Hills Cop. "Guess who!" he smirks, and exits the shot stage right. Hey, this guy must be good!

The crooks bust in, firing their guns and barking demands. C. Thomas quickly incapacitates one of the men with your basic wack- on- the- shoulder- offense, knocking the crook out cold.


"Guess who!"

One down, one to go. The second crook grabs a hostage and tells our hero to "Drop the gun!" C. Thomas obliges the request lobbing his gun at the bad guy who has no choice but to drop the hostage and his rifle so that he can catch C's gun. C. Thomas then rushes the unsuspecting bandit, tackling him through a plate glass window... in a Hollywood bank?

Meanwhile our 17 year old runaway (Kyle) enters into the heart of Hollywood.
Now, if you've never been to Hollywood you might want to start taking notes here. Immediately upon stepping off the bus she is accosted by a wide assortment of typical Hollywood "crazies".

There's the firebreather, a "Maps to the Stars" guy, this annoying white girl in a Rasta hat and men's suit jacket who starts pushing Kyle around,
...a
homeless man in a throw rug and tan khakis, and a white pimp in a Hawaiian shirt.
After all of this, Kyle just strolls away smilin', and they all have no choice but to simply stand there and watch her leave. Hey, that's Hollywood for ya!

When Kyle arrives at her sisters apartment, her sister, Merci, is nowhere to be found. Locked out, Kyle sits in the hallway to wait. She's about to take part in some more of that exciting Hollywood drama. She's not even there 5 minutes before gunshots are fired and 3 men come crashing through a door down the hall. Kyle finds herself in the crossfire, lying on the floor next to a guy who's getting shot in the chest. She gets up and runs down the hall to the staircase. Unfortunately it is blocked by a couple having sex. It's a hot blond with a Hell's Angel between her legs (they don't seem a bit distracted by the gunplay). They look up, see Kyle and laugh at her. Kyle curls up into a ball and falls asleep. Poor, poor Kyle.

The next day when she wakes up, her suitcase and pockets have been emptied, everything stolen. Then in walks C. Thomas Howell asking "Do you live here?"
Kyle stands up and runs.
"I'm looking for Merci Cooper!" He screams, voice crackling like any 22 year old Detective Sergeant's voice would. "Wait! I'm a police officer!"
He chases her out of the building into a courtyard where they both end up falling in a swimming pool. It's a scene that was built as an excuse to get a "17 year old" to take off her clothes.

Back at the station...

Yeah, it was funny when I saw it in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Sixteen Candles, and Porky's and.. oh nevermind.

And we're only 20 minute into this flick! I tell ya, it doesn't let up! C. Thomas's character continues to let the runaway go, then he shows up right at the moment she's about to be raped, molested, killed, whatever, and saves her.

The first time that he let's her go, she makes her way to the bad guys lair where her sister works as a singer/hooker. Here she meets Roman, the sleezy club owner that (and I'm quoting) "catches girls like butterflies, mounts them, and sells them to collectors."
C. Thomas comes in and saves her from Roman's advances and sets her free again.

After spending another night on the street, Kyle is woken up by a drunk pissing on her.
So Kyle gets up and starts looking for a job. Then this girl comes dashing out of a store, runs into Kyle, and takes off around the corner. The shop keeper comes out and says "Which way did she go?" Kyle points him in the wrong direction.
It was here that I predicted this line: "Hey, you really saved my ass back there, I owe you one."
So Kyle gets up and goes around the corner and meets the shoplifter.. and damn, this girl likes to talk!

"I'm a clepto, ya know. I just enjoy gettin' stuff for nuttin'. I'm on probation so you really saved my ass back there, I won't forget it" Damn, I was so close!
"Anyway, you remind me of me when I first got here... I was raped... twice. You know, if you get desparate and you need a place to hide, go to L.A. County Drug Rehab Center. Alright? Remember that! The L.A. County Drug Rehab Center." Christ, she doesn't let anyone get a word in edgewise!

"Free room and board, tightest security. Like if some guy won't leave you alone and he's armed. Oh, but they only take smack addicts. So what you want to do is you take a needle and poke holes in your arm."

And that's your introduction to Pizza Girl. You won't see her again until the end of the movie when Kyle is saying goodbye to everyone who happens to be walking by before she gets on the bus.

It takes several rescues before C. Thomas gets into bed with the minor, and boy is it odd seeing him in a love scene! Several minutes of him kissing her neck and buring his face in her shoulder. She seems so bored during it all, looking off into space like she's trying to remember a shopping list or something.

Anyhow, it's back and forth with her splittin' and him rescuing her. Then finally she finds her sister, her sister gets shot in the back, and C. Thomas Howell kills the bad guys in a ship yard.

Forget whatever you thought you knew about C. Thomas Howell, because that's what he really wants you to do.

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