that can't be missed.



Kirk Cameron give a stellar performance playing a non Christian.


The many unavoidable faces of Chelsea Noble (Kirk Cameron's wife).


Chelsea Noble as Hattie Durham,
stewardess.


Chelsea Noble
as Hattie Durham, dejected lover.


Chelsea Noble
as Hattie Durham, United Nations head of security.

Despite being a completely pointless character, Chelsea Noble as Hattie Durham is inescapable!

Bob,

Yes Left Behind books are dumb, and yes Kirk Cameron was a dumb choice. Its true you can never trust TBN, but as a Christian, we always try to support whatever is out there, because it's all there is.

Your questions about post-rapture are totally correct, and it sucks that they weren't explained, but maybe they assumed that everyone who watches the movie went to Sunday school, and this was supposed to reach the "non-saved" go figure.

Anyway, After God sucks up all the Christians through his spiritual straw, the reason why prayer and the bible still work is that there is ONE LAST CHANCE. If you ever read the BORING parts of the bible, there's this distinct pattern. Happy Jews praising God for the grass and cows. Then Jews forgetting God and going straight to praising cows. God gets angry and lets neighboring tribes rampage through town. Jews realize who really feeds that shit through the fan, apologize praise god again, and get to kick butt on neighboring tribe.

So just think of the tribulation like that, when the shit hits the fan, head for the nearest hotel dresser, because you know at least they have a Bible there.

Otherwise, good review cool site, email me with other questions if you like, Kristina Cline, "hopefully the most normal (ie. not kooky) Christian you will ever meet"

Kristina Cline



Movie suggestions?
Email me.

I have to give props to Hollywood Video on Broadway. I can go there without a clue on what I'm going to review for my "Worst that can't be missed", and it's lackluster employees, out dated titles, and clueless eye for quality delivers on a dime every time. On this particular day I went there to find answers. I wasn't sure of the question until I saw, there on the shelf staring up at me, Kirk Cameron in a movie titled...

LEFT BEHIND
2000
Starring: Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble

Written and Directed by Vic Sarin

Rating: 3 Faces of Pity

Touchy Subject Dragged Through the Mud
The Second Coming meets Growing Pains. Need I say more?
Washed Up Actor needs Money
Kirk Cameron uses the excuse that he's only doing Christian films now.
Sure, he's had plenty of other offers, but he's exclusive to only this genre now.
Broken Hollywood Thermostat Up your Butt
People want something different. I think they want to be preached the word of God at the movies now.

You're about to follow news reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron) through the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and the end of the world as we know it. That's right folks, the Apocalypse. Finally the questions I've been asking for all of these years will get answers... from Hollywood!

The film begins with a minute by minute account of the beginning of the end.
6:03 AM- Iraq's sky's are swarming with computer animated airships.
6:03 AM- Israeli's border is also swarming with more computer animated war-bound machinery.
6:05 AM- The skies over the Mediterranean Sea are swarming with still more computer animated fighter jets and choppers.

Meanwhile, Buck Williams is reporting on/in a wheat field mysteriously growing in a desert... in Jerusalem.

"Watch out Kirk! WATCH OUT!" I screamed. But my warnings were to no avail. My beloved poor-man's-Corey-Haim was doomed. He was standing dead center in the world's last remaining food supply and it was the target for these Iraqi jets.

Being the incredible journalist that he is, Buck does not seek cover. Instead, he puts himself directly underneath the war overhead and reports the news. The news turns out to be nothing short of miraculous (thank God)! These fighter jets are exploding in midair for no apparent reason. Hand of God?

Then, from behind a piece of wreckage comes a man in a robe. Holy shit, is it Jesus?!? IS IT GOD!?!?... Answer: No.
Looks more like Noah (the closing credits describe him as "Old man"). Whoever he is, he approaches Buck and speaks into the camera. It's a little confusing, but his basic message is that the war will continue until the actual second coming happens. So this isn't the Second Coming? Christ, they totally had me going.

So back in the states, we're introduced to the rest of the main characters. An airline pilot, Rayford Steele (this movie is chock full of these cool porno star names) and his family, and some of their friends.

It comes time for our cast to meet in the air for a plane ride, during which will be the Second Coming. I promise! I was so glad that they chose to play out this scenario in a plane. I've always wondered what would happen if the Second Coming was while you were airborne. Would you miss out? What about outer space?
But sadly, the "Christian Astronaut during Second Coming" hypothesis was not addressed.

Hattie Durham (played by Kirk Cameron's wife Chelsea Noble) is a stewardess on this flight. She comes up to Kirk.. um, I mean Buck, and says hello. They're friends, and she thanks him for helping her get another job at the United Nations. Huh? Wait a second, are they giving Kirk's wife extra parts? (See side panel)

OK, it's time for the Second Coming so hold on to your socks because this is going to be something.
It's night time (I knew it!) and everything seems normal. Then an old lady sitting near Buck asks him if he's seen her husband. The seat next to her is empty except for a man's suit with no one inside it. Um, can you say goosebumps?
Then the madness begins.

Screams and cries start to come from second class (lots of non Christians there). Numerous seats have the same "deflated outfits" in them, and the passengers are freaking out! All of the babies and children have disappeared too (No, we don't get to see a pregnant lady deflate before our eyes). People rifle through the limp clothes hoping to find their loved ones somewhere in there. It's funny.


Oh God! Lost puppies! Why hast Thow forsaken them?!

Fights break out, no one's buckled up and then a non Christian tries to jump out of the plane! Kirk wrestles him to the ground (just one of many heroic acts performed by the pretty boy).

The plane lands safely, thanks to both pilots being non Christians, and it's apparent that this chaos is everywhere. Mother's digging through empty baby carriages, half eaten sandwiches in front of a pair of pants and a shirt, dogs running free with their leashes dragging behind them. Mass hysteria!

Outside the airport the streets are riddled with car crashes, lost pets (they really go over board with the sad, lost pets) and non Christians running a muck.
Our Buck, amidst it all, is looking for answers. Soon he unravels, not only God's plot to destroy the world, but the rise of the Antichrist who is about to become the head of the United Nations.
"Coincidentally" the antichrist's personal assistant turns out to be Hattie Durham (Kirk Cameron's girlfriend), again! (See side panel)

Now I'm going to skim past a lot of poorly acted/written filler-plot which mainly consists of nonbelievers kicking themselves for being so stupid and begging for a second chance. So Buck finds himself at the U.N. building front row center (with his girlfriend) for the antichrist's rise to power over every nation's leader.

Holding them all at gunpoint, the antichrist brainwashes them all into following him and his plan for world domination. Buck seems to be the only one who sees what is really happening. Utterly defeated, he goes into the U.N.'s restroom and, for the first time prays to God and asks forgiveness. TOO LATE! TOO LATE! TOO LATE! Ha ha!


What's with this shit? They made sure that the antichrist was seen using an Apple computer!

Hold on a second, I think I like that
!

But I found myself bewildered. Many of the characters in the film ask Jesus into their hearts AFTER the Apocalypse! Some of them find Bibles (which are now completely null and void, right?) and after reading what their fate is going to be they STILL put their trust in God! What the?!? Isn't it over? Can they still do that?!?
And what about the babies that are still being born? Do embryos just go straight to Heaven? And what about the Christian Astronauts!?!? I ask you, WHAT OF THEM!!

Instead of answering my questions this film only left me asking more.
All I walked away with was: Make sure the planes you ride in have non Christian pilots!

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