must be missed.
Mel's an interesting fella. I knew that I'd hit the nail on
the head (and right through to the wood) when I reviewed
Women Want" just
a couple years ago. This drop dead gorgeous heartthrob has
never played a character who was any less than Christ-like.
I was totally intrigued with his portrayal of "evil." He chose
to use these little dwarves with ugly genetic diseases to
depict the demons and helpers of Satan. These things put that
Leprechaun guy to shame. I couldn't help but wonder how these
people were approached to play these roles... especially by
someone as gorgeous as Mel.
"We're looking for actors who are creepy as hell and hideously
grotesque to play the spawn of Satan, and you li'l fellas
totally fit the bill!"
I love thinkin' about that kind of shit. God, I hate Mel Gibson.
I was so happy that I'd gone wearing my protest.
tell ya, if you're wanting to go see this movie just to see
what all of the hype is about, wait for VHS... in the dollar
bin at your local grocery. And please don't go thinking it's
a neat way to somehow be a part of history. This flick does
not deserve such a validating statement from 21st century
only reason to go see it is to protest. To simply be another
dollar in the pocket of Lethal Weapon 8 has to be the highest
level of perversion known to man, unless it's in protest.
couple weeks ago Skater Bob and I stood outside of a movie
theater that was playing "The Passion" and handed
Dress Up fliers to people.
seen the movie, now dress Him up!" & "Play
Mel Gibson's Jesus Dress Up!" We shouted.
got some giggles and we got some angry protests.
let me remind everybody that I was cashing in on Jesus' sacrifice
long before Mel. In fact, he's the one trying to cash in on
my magnet success! They're all trying to cash in on my idea!
wake of the recent controversy surrounding my magnets
in Urban Outfitters, and the scourging I've gotten from
the news channels & religious America, the timing couldn't
have been better for a review of
The Passion of The Christ
Starring: Mel Gibson
& Jesus Christ
Bob Smith gives Mel Gibson $10.50 to see his movie!
always up for a good love story.
no one would argue that there are an alarming number
of similarities between me and Jesus Christ. I mean,
it just goes without saying, heh heh.
As the self-proclaimed
"God of Atheism," I have been taunted and ridiculed
by hate mailers, my good name besmirched on the television,
then forsaken by Urban Outfitters and left to hang,
crucified to the metaphoric cross I have constructed
with my own two hands (fridge magnets). Who better,
I ask you, to critique Jesus Christ than the one who's
life runs parallel to it?
movie even started I couldn't help but identify with
Christ as I was verbally persecuted by the audience
the hell do you think you're doin"? They hissed.
"Show some fucking respect mother fucker!" (All
figure out why everyone was so upset with me. Were they
judging me simply because of the way I looked? I was
here to see Jesus Christ's hot-n-steamy tale of PASSION!
This is just not a kind world for a hopeless romantic
like myself. My only words to them were, of course:
"Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."
So with a
popcorn and soda in hand I settled in for what I assumed
was going to be an erotic, passionate romance pulled
from the life and times of Jesus Christ.
"They did THAT to
me say this now... HOLY SHIT!
I have a warning for all of you couples out there; THIS
IS NOT A DATE MOVIE! There's no sex! No nudity!
In fact, I've never seen a movie with less passionate
love scenes than this one! Hardly two minutes into "The
Passion," Jesus gets yanked out of His sandals and thrust
into some of the most shit-outta-luck predicaments you
could ever imagine! A total rip-rourin', head bangin',
limb-from-limb-pullin' gangbang unlike anything you've
ever seen before! Man, was my face red!
was like, "WHAT - THE - FUCK!?!"
shit, are you guys in trouble! Wait'll you see all the
magic powers Christ has up His sleeve for you chumps!"
As I sat
there watching Jesus Christ get torn to shreds I couldn't
believe it! What horrible people everybody was back
then! And they never let up! It's like: "Hey, don't
blaspheme God, now we're gonna make you wish you'd never
And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!"
And I kept
waiting for Jesus to teach all of these mo'fo's a lesson.
I was thinkin' "Oh man, wait'll they really piss
Jesus off! They're gonna pay for that one!" And
then they'd just keep kickin' and whippin' Him all over
the place... and He didn't do shit! It was unbelievable!
"What the hell is going on?" I yelled! "Do
something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them
with your powers! What's wrong with you!?!?"
And he never
did crap. He just kept forgiving them and apologizing
for them. I'll warn you now, don't get popcorn and soda
before hand. If anything, bring a box of tissues and
a fucking barf bag! You're gonna need it..
I remembered Rosalinda
Celentano was in this movie. Oh my God, Rosa is
so fucking HOT! With her head completely shaven (brows
and all), she had an attitude that'd bring the most
jaded domanatrix to her knees begging for more. My darling
red Rose. Everything was gonna be all right as soon
as she entered the picture. She kept giving these Cheshire
grins and sneaky glares. You just knew she was biding
her time before she leaped in to save JC from the Jews.
You couldn't help but to be drawn to her despite the
maggots in her nostril and the hideous freak-babies
she cradled in her arms. I wanted to be the president
of her fan club. Oh how I love her!
I was like... "Uh, she's not on Jesus' side, is she?"
And I started thinkin' : "Oh shit! She's Satan!"
and spicy Rosalinda Celentano
Then I began to worry. I looked down and remembered how
I'd come dressed to this thing, and I nervously peered
over my shoulder at the crowd. Everyone was totally hatin',
and I was like, "Uh... ohhhhhhh!"
"What the hell is going on?" I yelled!
"Do something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them
with your powers! What the hell are you waiting for!?!?"
to think that maybe this time I'd gotten in a little
over my head. When these people see their god being
murdered by the devil, well, let's just say that there
didn't seem to be an exit close enough for me to escape
unscathed. I was shakin' my head and laughin' to myself.
What a goof I'd made this time!
movie finally ended I realized I had NOT just seen the
movie I was expecting to see. As the last credits lifted
into the ceiling I stood up angry and turned to the
people behind me so that they could all clearly see
my frowny-face. No one made eye contact with me. Then
as I was putting on my jacket, a full Coca-cola flew
by head (no joke). I could hear the wind by my right
ear, and it exploded on the floor in front of me. I
didn't even flinch. I was still fuming over getting
suckered in by the misleading title!
you know that they LITERALLY nailed Him to that
thing? Christ! I didn't! Ouch!
to look again and the guilty gangsta had his head pulled
down into his oversized puffy jacket.
"That must mean God's on my side!" I stated loud
As him &
his girlfriend strolled by our aisle, I walked out close
behind. I was astonished that this little fella (5 foot
4 tops) fell back so readily from defense of his god.
He scurried out the door ahead of me.
In the end,
I have to admit, I was sure happy that that Coke hadn't
smacked me upside the head. I couldn't help but suppose
that if instead it'd been Christ on the receiving end
He would have been pelted square in the face. It just
seemed to be the way His luck had been goin' that day.
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