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Prepare yourself.
You are about to hear the story of the most advanced
human being in the history of human beings. His name
is Jeremy Green, but you will know him as Powder! Why
"Powder"? I dunno, just 'cause. He could quite
possibly be the Messiah so don't ask questions, dammit!
It begins with
the death of Powder's grandpa, his last remaining relative.
Police arrive with the local school psychologist because rumor
has it that some sort of retarded freak lives under the floorboards.
No one knows who he is or what he looks like. It doesn't take
long for them to realize that this bald, albino teenager is
"special".
Powder has spent his entire life in a basement full of books
(how he got so muscular is another mystery that I'm sure the
director had some say in), and after 16 years of isolation,
a freakish appearance and severe medical problems they've
decided to integrate Powder into this small town high school...
immediately!
I know what you're
thinking, everything is going to be fine. Think again!
Much to my surprise things did not go as smoothly
as planned. The torment of poor Powder begins on the
first day in the school lunchroom. Alone at his table
Powder eats innocently, provoking no one. Next to him
is a table of troublesome jocks and it starts when one
of them tosses a wadded up piece of paper in Powder's
direction. When it lands, laughter erupts (everyone
in unison) and as quickly as it began it ends and turns
into scowls. Like a school of fish, these guys must
have rehearsed this scene a dozen times to be so totally
in sync. It's a sight to behold.
With no response
from the "victim" their next move is verbal
contact under the guise of "New- guy's- gotta-
wear- a- spoon- on- his- nose" initiation. It is
no coincidence that the torment includes a piece of
metal ware. It's been cleverly written in for a reason.
Listen to this... Powder is like an electric magnet
(something to do with his mom being struck by lightning
when she was pregnant with him). And with his super
powers, Powder rubs the spoon with his thumb and carefully
balances it on it's end. Everyone looks on in awe (strangely
everyone is male, and there doesn't seem to be any girls
at all in this public school; the directors idea I'm
sure). Soon utensils are flying in every direction,
thus concluding this scene of "if only" high
school fantasy.
Jeff Goldblum plays
Powder's science teacher and, wouldn't you know it,
today's class is on energy. This includes a demonstration
from a Jacob's Ladder (a two pronged lightning maker)
which proves disastrous. Soon after the device is turned
on, bolts of fire shoot across the room at Powder, suspending
him in the air, then dropping him like a sack of potatoes.
Get familiar with this happenstance because the director
can't seem to get enough of it. It's a true vision of
the Messiah of the future!
Jeff
Goldblum is high on coke and completely unable to conceal
his top row of teeth through this entire movie. He phones
in his usual "Merciful to the weak, defender of
all things good, sees the truth that you and I can't
see, excitable, patronizing, seeker of wisdom guy".
Look at his filmography, you'll see I'm right. Goldblum's
character is so patronizing to Powder that any normal
person would have been offended beyond words, but not
Powder. He eats it up like the shameful attention seeker
you know Victor Salva is.
Wait everyone!
It's time for Powder's IQ test results! Golly, I wonder
if the test results are going to be good or bad? Hmmm,
I betcha he's gonna be real smart. I dunno. Just a hunch.
Well, what do ya know, not only did his test results
fly off the charts but they've determined that Powder
(Victor Salva) has the most advanced intellect in the
history of human kind.
This is how backwards the mind of a child molester works.
Not only do they see themselves as misunderstood geniuses,
but heroic, and quite possibly the most amazing people
to exist on the planet. Victor sets up these scenarios
left and right regardless of how it pertains or makes
any sense.
At one point Powder
finds himself on a camping trip with all of his tormentors
(Why the school is sponsoring this outing for bullies and
their victim is beyond me) and while Powder is in the woods
summoning salamanders from the Earth with his magic powers,
the bullies find him and almost kill him. Distracted by a
gunshot, the group (including Powder) runs to where the shot
was fired from. One of their group has shot a deer. The deer
is still kicking (Robot deer stand-in that puts up a hilarious
struggle) and Powder's politically correct ideals are challenged
once again. He puts one hand on the dying animal and grabs
the arm of the hunter with the other. Through Powder, the
hunter experiences the dark, painful death that the beast
is going through. We are all one in life and in death. Can't
you people see that?! Listen to Powder! Listen to your hearts.
Throughout this
film, Powder stays true to his P.C. ways. His rampage of miracles
continue; reading minds, raising the dead, communicating with
the animals and summoning thunderstorms.
His last cavortings
with his cohorts is my favorite. He's strolling the school
grounds (no one else around. Weekend?) and he hears basketball
being played in the gymnasium. Obviously, Powder goes in.
Upon entering, he sees one of the shirtless, muscular boys
ringing out a wet towel over his head in slow motion. Powder's
eyes crawl down the firm boy's chest and belly all the way
to his...
"Hey you peepin' Tom faggot!" Powder turns only
to discover that he's been surrounded.
"You were gettin' an eyeful in, weren't you, Lightbulb!"
Ouch!
Thunder strikes from outside and Powder flinches.
"Well, what do ya know. Boogieman is afraid of lightning!"
They haul him out by his collar to the most well placed, circular
mud puddle directly outside of the gym's doors. They strip
him naked (like bullies do...?) and look at his privates.
"You're as bald as a baby!" he shouts. I guarantee
you that this line was highlighted, and it's importance
urged by the director ("I want this line screamed
to the Heavens!" I can hear him declare).
Then into the mud goes Powder. He's struck by lightning, throwing
them all 50 feet, Powder resurrects the head bully, bla bla
bla bla bla...
The movie's final
scene takes place with all of the main characters setting
Powder free into an open field. He runs, arms extended, towards
another thunderstorm, lightning strikes him, yadda yadda yadda...
he's gone. The townsfolk all learn their appropriate lessons
each pertaining to their individual experiences with the Messiah
superhero who only wanted acceptance... and boys. Young muscular
boys... with no hair... anywhere.
It's a rare occurrence
that you'll be given such a clear insight into the mind of
a child molester. The bully is you. The genius is Victor.
And the little boys... well, they're just teases!
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