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that
can't be missed.
Pat
Colins WWOL TV says (and I quote the box cover) "Nonstop
Action! A gutsy Thrill -A-Minute, Go-for-it Action Movie!
I'll
show you "Go-for-it Action." Sean
Astin gets butt raped by all 14 Colombian drug lords in this
movie. 
In
my opinion it really took a lot of courage for an actor like
Sean to accept such a controversial and potentially career
ending role.
Funny
that he doesn't even mention the movie in his bio?
Oh
Christ! And it would be a crime to miss the Sean
Astin fan page! It's a hoot!
It's got the latest Sean Astin news, Then & Now portraits,
family photos (he's the son of Patty Duke) and anything else
a true Sean Astin fan could dream of!
Peeking out from behind a tree?
You've got to be joking.
I didn't realize until I read this page that Sean was in Lord
of the Rings (Check
out what became of his head). He was one of those
obnoxious sidekicks of Frodo Baggins.
I remember telling my brother afterwards that his character
was so poorly acted I could hardly stand the movie (Comparisons
to Jar Jar Binks were made), and I didn't even know who Sean
Astin was!
This, my friends, is when you know you've found someone truly
special.
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| On
a fairly regular basis I find myself referring back to
the 1984 Hollywood movie classic "Red Dawn". Whether I'm
discussing my dream scenario for how I hope it all goes
down, defending Patrick Swayze as a notable action hero
or simply shouting "WOLVERINES!" with my fists raised
over my head during any given climactic party moment,
Red Dawn is a movie that most of my daily life revolves
around. It's an obsession that's ruined many relationships
and cut ties with beloved family members. |
Rating:
2 Faces of Pity
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Broken
Hollywood Thermostat
Up your Butt
Kicks
the ass of Red Dawn &Sean
Astin totally wastes Kirk Cameron's ass in the Corey
Haim impersonating contest! |
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Funny...
but not "Ha ha" funny
Ex: Try watching these boys gather
'round a speaker phone together listening to phone
sex, acting horny & hetro while the lady on
the other end describes her aroused nipples as "dark
red". Yeah. |
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Since my move to New York every time I'm on the verge of a fist
fight regarding this movie Venessa has been able to distract
me by suggesting I see another similar film that was a childhood
favorite of her own. I've been generally calmed by her suggestion
and at the time found her words soothing. These are the events
that led up to me spending yesterday evening watching her generation's
very own version of Red Dawn.
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Toy
Soldiers
1991
Starring: Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, George
Perez T. E. Russel & Louis Gossett, Jr.
Director: Daniel Petrie Jr.
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The
only reasons that I never chose to review Red
Dawn on my site is because it did not star either
of the Coreys and the high schoolers weren't portrayed
as spoiled rotten pretty boys with a grudge against
authority figures. Toy Soldiers was about to fulfill
every dream.
No,
neither of the Coreys are in this movie... it's
better. As everybody knows the only thing better
than an actual "Corey" is a Corey wanna-be: Introducing
Sean Astin. He's a Corey wanna-be! Can you believe
it? I love those! And he stars in this brat-paction,
kitty-political thriller dramedy.
Do
you know what it's like to be an overprivledged,
under estimated jock brainiac in an elite over
priced prep school? Yeah! Me too! Now imagine
how cool it'd be if the school were taken over
by Colombian drug lords and the United States
armed forces were relying on you to save everyone's
life. You're gonna love this movie too!
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These
drug lords don't know who they're messin' with.
16 year old saves the day!
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The reason
that they've taken over this school is because many
of the kids have prominent parents who have the power
to release the drug lord's father from prison. None
of that really matters though because the main reason
we're all watching this movie is to see how great kids
are... even when they're matched up against Colombian
drug lords. Those silly Colombians!
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Sean
Astin will astound you with his Corey Haim impression.
From his mischievous grins, goofy piled hair,
down to the momma's boy pastel wardrobe. I also
looked to see if Victor
Salva had anything to do with this movie because
there's a frightening amount of pantsless boys
throughout. Every time these guys get back to
their rooms it seems like they can hardly wait
to strip down to their briefs to discuss how they're
going to overthrow their captors.
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Perhaps it
is the director (Daniel
Petrie Jr.)
who's to be
held responsible for the constant pawing and rubbing
they do on each other. No wonder Venessa loved this
flick!
During
some of the most basic dialog you see them invading
each other's comfort zones; forearms on thighs, leg
grabbing, spanking... all trademark Victor Salva moments.
The plot really takes a back seat to all the boy-petting
sometimes.
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Fun time propeller
game action
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Okay,
so the Colombians who've taken over aren't your
top-of-the-line terrorists. Despite how homicidal
and ferocious their leader is he still lets the
kids go about their regular school day; recess,
lunchroom antics, sports and even this delightful
little propeller game so many of the students are
into. |
Fun
time propeller game action |
Subsequently
the boys are able to hatch a plan to defeat the evildoers
using the knowledge they've gathered from the classroom
pranks they've committed in the past.
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All
were just standing there watching the Dean's office
furniture do nothing for 20 minutes.. because
it's a prank
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Pranks
like spray painting kooky words everywhere they
shouldn't be, cherry bombs in the toilets, even
moving the Dean's office (<see
picture to left) to the front lawn of campus.
Every kind of prank you'd expect from blond boys
who wear pink and yellow when it's time to go play.. |
Rejects?! Oh no
they di'nt!
I
mean, yes they did.
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9 year olds
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Same 9 year olds defeating
terrorist drug lords. |
So
obviously these children defeat the Colombians
saving everyone! ... except for their best friend...
but no matter, they're all still giddy as school
girls running around and hugging and kissing all
over the place as the final credits scroll. You'll
be doing the same.
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