that can't be missed.



Pat Colins WWOL TV says (and I quote the box cover) "Nonstop Action! A gutsy Thrill -A-Minute, Go-for-it Action Movie!

I'll show you "Go-for-it Action." Sean Astin gets butt raped by all 14 Colombian drug lords in this movie.
In my opinion it really took a lot of courage for an actor like Sean to accept such a controversial and potentially career ending role.
Funny that he doesn't even mention the movie in his bio?

Oh Christ! And it would be a crime to miss the Sean Astin fan page! It's a hoot!
It's got the latest Sean Astin news, Then & Now portraits, family photos (he's the son of Patty Duke) and anything else a true Sean Astin fan could dream of!

Peeking out from behind a tree? You've got to be joking.

I didn't realize until I read this page that Sean was in Lord of the Rings (Check out what became of his head). He was one of those obnoxious sidekicks of Frodo Baggins.
I remember telling my brother afterwards that his character was so poorly acted I could hardly stand the movie (Comparisons to Jar Jar Binks were made), and I didn't even know who Sean Astin was!
This, my friends, is when you know you've found someone truly special.

On a fairly regular basis I find myself referring back to the 1984 Hollywood movie classic "Red Dawn". Whether I'm discussing my dream scenario for how I hope it all goes down, defending Patrick Swayze as a notable action hero or simply shouting "WOLVERINES!" with my fists raised over my head during any given climactic party moment, Red Dawn is a movie that most of my daily life revolves around. It's an obsession that's ruined many relationships and cut ties with beloved family members. Rating: 2 Faces of Pity
Broken Hollywood Thermostat
Up your Butt

Kicks the ass of Red Dawn &Sean Astin totally wastes Kirk Cameron's ass in the Corey Haim impersonating contest!
Funny... but not "Ha ha" funny
Ex: Try watching these boys gather 'round a speaker phone together listening to phone sex, acting horny & hetro while the lady on the other end describes her aroused nipples as "dark red". Yeah.

Since my move to New York every time I'm on the verge of a fist fight regarding this movie Venessa has been able to distract me by suggesting I see another similar film that was a childhood favorite of her own. I've been generally calmed by her suggestion and at the time found her words soothing. These are the events that led up to me spending yesterday evening watching her generation's very own version of Red Dawn.

Toy Soldiers
1991
Starring: Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, George Perez T. E. Russel & Louis Gossett, Jr.
Director: Daniel Petrie Jr.

The only reasons that I never chose to review Red Dawn on my site is because it did not star either of the Coreys and the high schoolers weren't portrayed as spoiled rotten pretty boys with a grudge against authority figures. Toy Soldiers was about to fulfill every dream.

No, neither of the Coreys are in this movie... it's better. As everybody knows the only thing better than an actual "Corey" is a Corey wanna-be: Introducing Sean Astin. He's a Corey wanna-be! Can you believe it? I love those! And he stars in this brat-paction, kitty-political thriller dramedy.

Do you know what it's like to be an overprivledged, under estimated jock brainiac in an elite over priced prep school? Yeah! Me too! Now imagine how cool it'd be if the school were taken over by Colombian drug lords and the United States armed forces were relying on you to save everyone's life. You're gonna love this movie too!


These drug lords don't know who they're messin' with.

16 year old saves the day!

The reason that they've taken over this school is because many of the kids have prominent parents who have the power to release the drug lord's father from prison. None of that really matters though because the main reason we're all watching this movie is to see how great kids are... even when they're matched up against Colombian drug lords. Those silly Colombians!

Sean Astin will astound you with his Corey Haim impression. From his mischievous grins, goofy piled hair, down to the momma's boy pastel wardrobe. I also looked to see if Victor Salva had anything to do with this movie because there's a frightening amount of pantsless boys throughout. Every time these guys get back to their rooms it seems like they can hardly wait to strip down to their briefs to discuss how they're going to overthrow their captors.

Perhaps it is the director (Daniel Petrie Jr.) who's to be held responsible for the constant pawing and rubbing they do on each other. No wonder Venessa loved this flick!
During some of the most basic dialog you see them invading each other's comfort zones; forearms on thighs, leg grabbing, spanking... all trademark Victor Salva moments. The plot really takes a back seat to all the boy-petting sometimes.


Fun time propeller game action

Okay, so the Colombians who've taken over aren't your top-of-the-line terrorists. Despite how homicidal and ferocious their leader is he still lets the kids go about their regular school day; recess, lunchroom antics, sports and even this delightful little propeller game so many of the students are into.
Fun time propeller game action

Subsequently the boys are able to hatch a plan to defeat the evildoers using the knowledge they've gathered from the classroom pranks they've committed in the past.


All were just standing there watching the Dean's office furniture do nothing for 20 minutes.. because it's a prank

Pranks like spray painting kooky words everywhere they shouldn't be, cherry bombs in the toilets, even moving the Dean's office (<see picture to left) to the front lawn of campus. Every kind of prank you'd expect from blond boys who wear pink and yellow when it's time to go play..


Rejects?! Oh no they di'nt!
I mean, yes they did.


9 year olds


Same 9 year olds defeating terrorist drug lords.

So obviously these children defeat the Colombians saving everyone! ... except for their best friend... but no matter, they're all still giddy as school girls running around and hugging and kissing all over the place as the final credits scroll. You'll be doing the same.

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